Jess lanai

Sex

Over the past couple weeks I’ve been putting a lot of thought into how frustrating my sex life has been since I quit porn.

Porn was a very easy sex life. It was uncomplicated. There was no ego or emotion to navigate.

But without the complication of ego and emotion sex can become compulsive.

Compulsion is never enjoyable it is only painful. Sometimes it can feel enjoyable but the enjoyment is no more than the temporary relief that’s felt from the pain of compulsion itself.

The problem with porn was that it was a temporary relief that deepened a need.

The only reason I got involved in porn was because I had such a hard time dating and I gave up hope.

And the sex from doing porn provided some relief from that loss of hope and yet it took away more of my hope as well.

It was a pain killer that did more damage.

It has now been over a decade since I quite porn and my improvements in my dating life have been rather slight.

I’m still not so good at it.

I don’t think anyone is good at it right now though.

There are too many pain killers creating too many compulsions. Connecting and communicating with people has gotten more difficult.

But I’ve changed my mind on a lot of things over the years.

I no longer believe in giving up hope. Not because if I keep trying I will succeed. But because I am human.

I think that is what us humans are meant to do. We aren’t meant to drown in our own despair or fall into the animal like behavior of compulsion.

We are meant to strive and to adapt. Regardless of whether or not we ever get what we strive for.

We are inventive and creative creatures and I think we should respect own design and power and stop reaching for pain killers.

It’s probably necessary to just feel the pain and let it be a guide rather than something to avoid.

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Jess lanai

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8 responses to “Sex”

  1. It seems that going to war on compulsions is the best way to deal with or at least process emotions, feelings and anxiety caused from difficult experiences. The crazy amount of life you have to deal with from the front foot is the quickest and most comprehensive way to grow.
    I want to say good on you Jess.
    Do you feel your getting to a point where you are moving forward with the whole healthy relationships thing or are you a long way off?

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  2. You know I can build a house, fix a car, motorbike or boat. Pretty much anything to do with my hands. But digital technology world, I’m challenged. There’s just so much beauty in this world. My son and I travelling south of Melbourne Australia and the coast is amazing. I just wanted to say the war you’re waging on compulsion. Takes courage and tenacity and I believe it’s worth it. Thanks love reading your blog.

    Regards,

    Dave Collins ________________________________

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  3. Your reason for initially getting into porn is pretty intriguing, how you said dating was difficult and viewed that as a last resort from what I understand. Since porn is largely created from acting, making scripts, directing people on what to do, I’m wondering what you were hoping getting into porn would do for you as far as dating/sex went? Would you say that’s why other people get into porn? No judgement at all, I’m just curious what your thought process was at the time since I’ve always understood that porn was fake and most of the actors aren’t actually into each other on that level. Porn is such an enigmatic and polarizing world for me, that’s why I ask.

    I will say that with this increasingly digital world, its become a lot harder to build connections with others. I definitely think we have too many conveniences that make people a bit lazy when it comes to making relationships with others. Some people have the mentality of “why go out and chill with someone irl when I can watch Netflix and text people instead?”

    Dating seems to be extra difficult now, but even making friends can be hard, esp if you’re like me and you’re not on social media. I have some solid friendships, which is great. But there’s an extra effort that I and the other party needed to put in in order for us to get close. I kind of like the effort though, it’s worth it when you click with someone well and the feeling is mutual. I would imagine it’s like this with dating, but probably much harder to come across w/ romantic relationships given how fragile they are and how people have been socialized to be a bit desperate for romance.

    I think this part of why I prefer platonic relationships. I spent much of my life making things needlessly difficult and drama-filled for myself, so having a chill, fun friendship with someone is super valuable to me. I think friendship is underrated and undervalued. I think I could go forever w/o having a partner but with no friends to just shoot the shit with and laugh and be silly? I’d go insane.

    You seem to have lived a pretty interesting life with doing porn and all of your other experiences. Your posts are often fascinating for me to read, and there’s a ton of other questions I’d like to ask haha, but I’ll leave it at that for now. Hope Korea’s going well!

    – 🌸

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    • Porn guys are really hot plain and simple. The girl that ‘recruited’ me showed me pictures of the guys she worked with and that really sold me. So did the money.
      But I was really struggling dating wise. I was in la and it happened to me several times where I thought a guy liked me and it turned out he was just selling me something or straight up trying to swindle me.
      And the couple guys I did actually have sex with were very mean to me in the sense that they were extremely dismissive or straight up insulting towards me.
      So my self esteem was very bad.
      I’ve met a few girls that were very similar to me in the sense that they were obsessed with sex and had been through a bad breakup. One girl got in because of a boyfriend getting in.
      But there were also a lot of girls that had zero interest in sex and just wanted money. Those are actually the girls that usually last in porn.
      And then there were the really sad cases of girls that were just in a very desperate situation, were being abused, and felt they had little other choice.
      And there were the drug addicts.
      Porn was definitely not fake though. Lots of the people were into each other. Then of course there was a portion that was not into each other.
      But porn was fun for most people. Because it can be so goofy and silly and almost like doing dumb little skits and we all laughed at it and had fun.
      Lots of porn people were very fun and very chill.
      I’ve noticed the better I get at communicating and staying calm even when I feel emotional the better experiences I have with men.
      But for the most part people aren’t good at regulating themselves these days, so you have to learn to be good at that yourself.
      And probably more patient than in the past.
      It’s possible to date and have it be easy and fun I think, but it takes a lot more now than it used to.
      I feel like before you could meet someone and sort of grow with that person.
      But nowadays you have get pretty mature before you date because people are just a lot more flighty.
      But that’s just my guess and like how things seem to me.

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      • Nice! This humanizes and takes a lot of the sensationalism out of porn. You’re legit the first person I’ve talked to who has had a pretty normal experience doing porn. I really did think most people had an awful experience before talking to you, just based on what I heard. But now it seems like a pretty unique field that prob just takes a certain type of person who do. Def appreciate this perspective 🙂

        And yeah I’m for sure of the belief that dating/relationships in general should be pleasant. The perception that relationships are super strenuous and exhausting is super unhealthy. Even to this day, people still internalize that belief and that’s partly why so much toxicity exists around romance. A while back I was talking w an older coworker in his 60s. Really chill dude, we were like work friends. He mentioned that the dating scene had always been kind of shitty, so I don’t think it was necessarily easier before our time, just different.

        I think having to mature before a relationship has always been the way to go, but due to social/political factors a few decades ago, that wasn’t just emphasized. Tbh it really couldn’t be. I think now it’s more acceptable for people, especially women, to be single and wait for the right person or just not even date at all. Like people congratulate me for doing so now and that definitely couldn’t have happened if I grew up in say the 50s or 60s.

        Sidenote, but I appreciate you replying and all. I know I write hella paragraphs, hopefully it’s not too painful to read my thoughts since we’ve prob had very different life experiences lol.

        — 🌸

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  4. I agree with the overall sentiment of not giving up. Just because you give up doesn’t mean that the pain will stop and since you stop trying it will probably make you feel worse like a total loser which is why giving up is generally not a great alternative when it comes to certain things like this.

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      • I appreciate that you put so much effort into your answers.I take your point that you were being paid for something you enjoyed doing.Why did you stop ?

        It would have been easy to continue,wouldn’t it ? You write well but leave certain things out.

        Over 10 years is a long time to be away from something yet still to write so clearly about it. I am not going to bombard you with questions.

        You are intelligent,but your writing raises questions as well as answering them.

        Best wishes.

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