One of my favorite films is atonement and if you haven’t seen atonement and want to see atonement maybe don’t read this.
Because I might spoil it and it is a pretty great film. Everyone told me the plot twist is intense. And it was.
Even with expecting and waiting for the famous plot twist it still shocked me.
There’s a scene toward the middle where Keira knightley’s husband (I forgot his name) is returning home from war and he thinks he’s finally made it to the shore where there will be a boat to take him back home.
But there are no boats. Just a lot of people waiting for the boats to return and a lot of people starting to panic and things falling into chaos.
When I first saw this scene I was a tad confused because the chaos is evident but in my mind I kept thinking, ‘but a boat will come. Like, the boat will come. They’ll be fine. They’re not going to die or anything. So why is everyone acting like they’re all going to die?’
Then you watch Keira’s husband start to wander the scene. The way the camera follows him makes him look very small compared to the scene around him.
It’s a long scene that hit me slowly. Keira’s husband was in a death spiral. He was caught in a series of events that weren’t happening, they had already happened. He had no power.
There was nothing that could be done.
Kiera’s husband had already been to jail. He’d already agreed to the war. He’d already missed the boat. And he was left in the wake of all that.
Life is like that sometimes.
I noticed in most circumstances I’m walking in the aftermath of that which has already happened.
I’ve been to France a lot. And the thing about a lot of my friends in France is they really like soccer. So I’ve watched a lot of soccer.
I’m not all that into watching sports. Watching people that are really into to sports watch sports is pretty funny. For like ten minutes.
But I do feel some affinity with soccer. For I feel it well describes my dating patterns. In the sense that there are very long periods of time and effort before anyone scores a goal.
I don’t really score all that much honestly.
I most certainly have quite an unsuccessful dating pattern (obviously) it consists of long periods of celibacy (by long periods I mean between 1 and 3 years generally.) then I meet a man I’m so attracted to that I lose all my personality and revert back to the intensely shy I was as a kid.
I have a grand time but it becomes evident that there is no lasting attachment and I must detach. Which I’m quite bad at doing.
But I can recognize now what has already happened.
I definitely mentioned many times how much I want a dog.
I’ve resisted getting a dog for years now.
Part of the reason I’m trying to resist getting a dog is that it relieves some of the emotional pain I can feel in lacking male energy.
I really like men.
I like them romantically. I like them as friends. I like to watch them and wonder what in the hell they are thinking and how do their brains even work.
I like how they can look past emotion. I like how they can tune out everything but what they want. And I like that they will always wiggle their way out of pressure and manipulation.
My relationship with men has been a little difficult though. Being friends with men is almost impossible. The only men I’ve managed to be friends with are the ones that are devoted to their wives. And the men that don’t mind rejection so I can reject them without them getting offended. Or the men that have already slept with me and are over it.
I have not yet been able to successfully date a man for a long period of time. I get caught in long sprints of back and forth that don’t stay forth enough to have any breathing room.
I used to have incredible male coworkers that relieved a lot of my need for male energy but men quit and get fired more often.
So now I’m left with a bit of a void that I want to fill with a puppy.
Honestly I might give into a puppy.
But voids are not always meant to be filled. Sometimes they are meant to be felt and lived rather than avoided.
I do a lot of things to avoid the void and I’m going to attempt to face the void now.
Jess lanai 
9 responses to “How to date part 10”
You know, one of the things I’ve had to face in my life is grief. Loss of loved ones through death. That void you speak off I call the grey. It’s that area in life we try to avoid. Complain and wing about. Avoid the reality of it by filling our worlds with stuff. I’ve learnt to embrace the grey. Not because it’s right or easy but because it brings me personally the most growth. Emotionally I’m connected, raw, out of balance trying not to fall, living at speed in the moment, engaged. Basically I’m excited to have a voice to express. Being introverted I can find it difficult to do that. Writing allows me that. I want a need like minded people in my life that get that.
Thank you for your text and time you spend writing it. Enjoyed.
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Hi Jess,(or anyone else reading this). I don’t know any other writers, your writing seems great to me, you are intelligent and people read your work.
Can you please help me get the blog I’ve written on here exposure? I’m struggling with the site. I don’t need help writing, just in using the site. I’d be grateful for any tips. Or maybe suggest a way I can get some support ? Someone you may know? A writers club?
Real people and talking works best I find.
I’m a visual learner if that helps.
Please understand I have no other agenda.
I’ve tried the ai on the site but it’s quite difficult.
I feel like a shag on a rock.
Otherwise I’ll keep persevering maybe it’s something I need to learn myself. Part of the journey.
I know time is an issue, so I understand if it’s just not possible.
I’d really appreciate the help and if not simply reply no and i wont bother you again, thanks Dave
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Hi Dave, I’m definitely not much of an expert when it comes to this stuff. I’m still a total beginner and quite frankly the people that read this are mostly people that saw my film or my porn. So that’s my unfair advantage.
However I do have some advice. First of all read medium. It’s an app you can download and it’s five dollars a month. There are a lot of writers on there giving a lot of advice on writing. Some of them are absolutely brilliant and very helpful in their suggestions and advice.
There are a ton of critique sites where people will read your writing and critique it. I used critique circle mostly, but it’s mostly fiction work.
As for exposure I have no idea. I’m not good at exposure.
There are many people that are good at exposure on they write very popular articles that will be of help. I haven’t looked into myself as I’m not yet too keen any people reading my writing.
For the moment I’m staying comfortable with the amount of views I do get and when I feel like I’ve improved my writing enough I’ll look into how people get exposure.
Like I said the only reason anyone reads anything I say is because I was once naked on camera, it can be inspiring I guess.
You could try being naked on camera
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I think I found medium, I took a photo of it. It was in my Apple Store app. I’ll send the photo to you see if it’s the right one.
The other idea about the critique forum sounds great too. I’ve written a blog and posted it. No idea if anyone has read it or if I posted it right, but here’s hoping.
I’m petrified that I’m oversharing but really hoping people can relate. I want to be raw, real, authentic, that way of expressing I find very liberating. Like everyone I have a story to tell.
Been a bit of a numpty on here trying to post replies and blogs, but slowly getting my head around it.
I’m just loving it though, the experience of expressing, sharing connecting with other people’s perspectives, it’s really been empowering.
I had to laugh at the last comment, never considered anyone would want to see me naked. You never know I guess.
It’s very true that the movie and porn helps you get a voice, but honestly your writing is good, I totally relate and you have been able to enlighten me. I look forward to reading your posts everyday, your journey and the reply’s people write. I find you incredibly honest and authentic and that shows in your writing.
It seems people are so caught up in the raw desire porn ignites we forget there is a person who may have an unreadable depth of character, intelligence. I guess the whole sex thing is a lot of things, who knows maybe even intelligence at some level. In fact a person who understands the psychic behind getting into someone’s mind to unlock sexual gratification, that requires emotional intelligence. The level of satisfaction must be next level but it would require an incredible amount of trust.
I’m grateful for your reply. Be also very grateful if you took the time to read my blog. Honest feedback would be wonderful. I don’t confess to know what I’m doing, but like you, willing to learn. I’m on a journey and if I can do something positive with my writing, that would be great.
Thanks Jess
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I will take the time to read your blog and I will be very honest about it, I’ll give you real feedback.
As far as on the over sharing this would be my advice. You don’t need to force yourself to be super vulnerable right off the bat. It really depends on how much it gets to you.
Posting and sharing my own writing does get to me. The shame can torture me sometimes. But it’s slowly going away. I’ve started to adjust now and I don’t get it as strongly.
But if you get hit with stuff like that just know it’ll pass. And that you can ease up on yourself and go at your own pace. You can share things that are less vulnerable and just practice writing and slowly introduce vulnerability.
Writing is very worth it. It helps the mind so much and you meet people and connect with them and you’ll find so many people that are so incredibly helpful and inspiring.
But yes when I get back from Korea I’ll read your blog and give you my feedback
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I think you’re incredibly brave, naturally have a beautiful nature. Your inner self shines through. I have so much respect for you Jess.
I do connect with your written words, I connect with your story, if it’s as real as I think, then I have a fair idea who you are.
I would very much appreciate your honest critique. It’s the only way I’ll grow as a writer, to reflect on feed back.
I have a second blog coming out tomorrow. “Living pretty”. It’s about the stereotype put upon me when I was a young man.
I had to deal with looking pretty rather than manly. In Australia when I was a young man it made things challenging.
I’ve always been fascinated by women and very much heterosexual. My appearance, well let you judge for yourself when you read my writing. Let’s just say it’s made life interesting.
Shame is difficult, trying to understand our choices at times. You are going through that process and along the way inspiring people like me to share their story also.
With your struggle you are motivating people to make sense of themselves, learn self exceptance and even who knows, love themselves.
I will take your advice in regard to sharing, being vulnerable. Sounds like you have had some difficult times.
I’m sure I’ll have to deal with some things that will cut also.
I’m hoping to meet more writers like you that will inspire me.
I also hope you meet that special man that sees you. When you do you’ll know it, he’ll love your perfect imperfections. He will love your inner child. More importantly, you’ll feel vulnerable and it’ll scare you. I’ll talk to you more on that at some stage.
Thank you for taking time out to reply and for when you read my blog. I hope we will become good friends.
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Oh Jess, really trying not to be painful😀 do I need to send you a link or something? How does that work?
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Great read, the analogy is very real. Situations where I’ve felt like the husband walking on shore in atonement. It interesting thinking about that now, when watching it the first time I hadn’t made that comparison or analogy but it works.
Being single and facing that same void single, can suck and leaning into that void can be chaotic. Both good and bad chaotic. But a dog might be a good balance.
Dogs can be wonderful for balancing the need for companionship between and during times of life where relationships aren’t in the cards immediately. Or just not on the radar period.
But travel for long periods can get tricky unless you’ve already got friends who you’d trust to.
Anyway, really enjoyed this post. Look forward to more dog updates lol.
– J
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Get a dog, Jessica. You’ll never look back and will absolutely love what they bring to your life.
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