This summer was one of the best summers I’ve had in my entire life.
Because it was the first time I’ve had my shit together enough to truly relax.
All of the ‘relaxing’ I’ve done in the past has been with chaos in the background.
Staying right on the edge of total destruction and partying until it gets too close and the panic can no longer be ignored.
It’s not such a fun way to relax.
But this particular summer of 2026 came at the end of a long winter. A winter in which my displinces from the previous year began to compound and get results. Which means any effort I put in got a double reward.
It seems rewards can compound as quickly as consequences do.
But the progress I’ve made in my own personal life does have its double edge.
To make the progress I’ve made I’ve relied heaving on motivating myself through shame.
I think shame is actually a very useful emotion but it’s definitely not meant to be over used.
The dangers to its overuse are a very low baseline.
I’m used to getting myself into a lot of trouble. So my baseline is simply not getting into a lot of trouble.
I will expect to work extraordinarily hard and my reward will be that I get to be invisible. That doesn’t sound like much of a reward to most people, but it is the result of overusing shame.
Shame is meant to get one out of danger and then it is meant to transform into confidence. That’s what I think anyhow.
I’m still struggling with getting my baseline up and converting my shame into confidence to achieve what I am actually capable of. Rather than letting shame simply keep me out of mortal danger.
I’m currently getting ready to go to Korea for the premiere of Mektoub in Asia. I’m considering Korea to be the last of my summer. (Beautiful end to the summer. I will likely post while I’m in Korea)
And I have to give up the dog I’ve been watching for the month.
I really want a dog. But haven’t felt I yet deserve one. Because I don’t feel stable enough to have one.
I’ve thus decided to give myself a series of goals to meet over the winter and if I accomplish them I get to get myself a dog.
My goals will have to do with making a certain amount of money. Getting into a certain kind of shape and submitting a certain number of short stories.
I admit to still feeling a little lost in life. I haven’t a clue what career I want. I don’t particularly care to feel ‘passionate’ just to feel useful and energetic and financially stable.
Writing is my passion and I don’t need it to be a career. I only need it to make some money so I have some pleasant amount of confidence in it.
It’s no fun to say I’m a writer if I can’t claim income. Income adds a bit of identity to it.
So I suppose there’s two goals in life. Make financially stable money and have writing as a side gig.
Getting a dog is also a goal. I’d love a high energy type dog to go hiking and swimming with that is easily trainable and very playful. Whatever breed that would be.
Selling my house is another goal. Because I’d have so much more money if it weren’t for the repairs I’ve had to do on this house.
Goals are fun. They give purpose and motivation and some direction which just makes life easier and more peaceful.
I really like this peaceful thing. It’s very nice.
Jess lanai 
9 responses to “End of summer”
a dog is a great idea, my friend has one and it’s given him a lot of unconditional love. He loves that dog more than anyone or anything.
I’m a problem solver which isn’t always the best thing to be but I guess it comes from being male. Listening and emotional talk often eludes us. So we tend to try solve problems.
listening to your journey with shame my heart goes out to you. It’s not easy to come to terms with shame.
Reading your text and understanding the complicated feelings that shame brings I can only feel the need to encourage you. From what I’ve read you have gleaned an amazing amount of growth from your experiences and part of that growth has been the recognition of what was lost and on the other side what was gained.
life is a funny thing isn’t it but honestly from what I can tell you are owning everything both the good and bad and I can only respect that.
there are a lot of people that go through life blaming their choices on everyone else as they reacted to cercumstamce. You don’t seem to do that, you confront and own the truth, even honour it. There in lies your growth, the down side is it can be very confronting looking at the person in the mirror.
keep going your success is encouraging me and for that I’m grateful.
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I’m super glad to hear you’ve had a great summer because I’ve honestly enjoyed reading through your summer adventures. This post was a morale booster because I get inspired by seeing success and happiness of people I admire and gain insight from.
I wish my summer would’ve been a bit more positive but I’m honestly looking forward to fall and winter to start fresh, which is very welcomed.
That’s so cool you’re getting to go to Korea for Mektoub, I can’t imagine the cool shit you’ll get to do there, and the food you’ll get to try.
Again, it’s motivating to hear all this positivity.
I really look forward to reading more of your writing. Be it fiction or nonfiction perspective articles.
I definitely think a dog would be a good motivator and definitely someone to help continue keep anyone active and just moving in general.
I know I’ve been thinking of getting a dog myself being in my own new place now.
It’s a morale boot seeing a post, after a throwaway week in my neck of the woods.
– J
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Hi Jess, read through your text and I see an intelligent mind at work.
I was touched by your journey with shame. I respect your ownership of choices and the effect it’s had on you.
I feel the need to encourage you and to say as humble as we all are in the big picture, drop in the ocean and all the other cliche there is out there. I’m grateful for your humility and desire to push through this journey you are on, give me inspiration.
My desire is to encourage you to continue in your desire to write and find purpose.
I’ve always felt serving others in some way brings fulfilment in careers and in life in general. Balance yes that’s important to, there is always a chance of loosing yourself in helping others, which can be another form of avoidance.
Find something that blows your hair back without destroying your sense of self.
Make a difference, as far as I’m concerned what you share in your writings is doing that.
Very grateful
Ohh yes unconditional love from a dog is a grate idea to.
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your doing great, keep going, your writings are inspiring.
you’ll end up being a great writer, it’s just work hard, work smart. Believe in yourself and choose confidence. Owning your pain and shame will continue to help you grow and get wiser.
thanks for sharing
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You’re doing great, you’ll be a great writer if you just keep going.
Your honesty and story inspires.
Owning your shit and moving forward with the knowledge of your own imperfections, shame and uncertainty, takes courage.
It’s very confronting to be aware of self. Lots of people never get there and spend a lifetime being hamstrung by what is motivating self destructive behaviour. I’m not sure I’m there either but I’d like to think I’m evolving.
I can only respect your ownership of self and the motivations in your life.
I don’t know you, but I get your story and that does make a difference not just for me but I’m sure many others.
Like the other person said dogs a great idea when you’re settled. Plenty of unconditional love from a dog.
Grateful
Keep going with your writing, makes a difference.
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Jess,A piece you wrote on Dec 13,I thought that it was brilliant,It was a delight to read,I could not leave a comment there so might as well leave it here.You went through your emotions brilliantly,fair play to you.
Bravo,Mike
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Well that’s frustrating and annoying, I tried to write same thing 3 times thinking each time it didn’t take. Behold it worked three times. Apparently you have to wait before it goes through dah. I only wanted one to go through very frustrating. My apologies. Still learning how this sight works.
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I really love the goals you highlighted, they exhibit a lot of maturity, self awareness, and consideration for others who may be dependent on you (the potential dog you want in this case). There are a lot of parallels in my life that I’m reading in this blog post. I’ve tried to stay busy/active this past summer as well. Summer’s my favorite season, so I figured it would be the best time to go to concerts, food festivals (been to 4 so far), hang out with friends, be more consistent with pole dance classes, etc. Staying busy feels nice. It’s one of those things that feels daunting when you’re in the comfort of relaxing for a bit too long. I definitely had moments this summer where I didn’t feel like going to something I committed to, went anyway, and then had a great time and had no regrets on going. Goals are definitely a great reminder of what you can do, as cliche as it sounds. They help us realize we’re much more capable than we give ourselves credit for.
Really cool that you’re going to Korea! Still haven’t watched Mektoub. I’ve only read some posts you written about it on here. I actually didn’t know you were still doing promo for it. I’ll need to find some time to check it out soon. If you decide to write any blogs dedicated to your travels to Korea I’d LOVE to read all about it. I can’t travel for now, so for now I’ll just live vicariously through travel vlogs and blog posts from people I see online lol. I’m thinking about going to Australia next. That’s where that one friend of mine lives and it looks so stunning, especially Sydney.
About the dog, I do wish more pet lovers were as astute as you are when it comes to owning an animal. Pets are great companions, but people forget that they’re living things that can’t advocate for themselves the way (adult) humans can. So it’s always better to wait until you’re in a stable, more self sufficient place to get one. Everyone seems to forget that and just focus on the “omg, cute animal!” aspect of it. I’ve never owned a pet, but I love cats. I’m nowhere near a place where I can get one at the moment, but once things are a bit smoother for me I might. I would love to have the bandwidth to own a pet, hopefully someday. If not, I’ll just hang out at cat cafes. One thing that worries me is pet hair, seems like you can never 100% get rid of it no matter how much air purifying you do haha.
Safe travels and I hope Korea treats you well! Also just curious how long are you there for?
– 🌸
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Being mature is a new thing for me. I’ve been terribly immature before this. With pets too. I had three dogs at one point and I lived in an apartment and I had to work a lot. I had a pitbull, a Saint Bernard and a basset hound. I loved those dogs so much but I was definitely not as responsible with them as I should have been.
So it’s time for me to grow up now and wait until I’m stable enough to get my dog.
Honestly the orignal rule is I could not get a dog until I got a boyfriend. But the boyfriend thing is taking too long so I’m throwing that rule out the window.
I definitely agree with the being consistent no matter what thing. I’ve stated doing that too. Just going out with friend only because I said I would even if I don’t feel like it or trying dates even if I don’t feel like it and it does make a huge difference. It’s made me more emotionally stable and confident.
Mektoub still doesn’t exist in the United States unfortunately. I’m not sure it ever will. But I’ll post more about Korea. I’m very curious how Koreans will feel about Mektoub. I have no idea how they will receive it. It’s very French humor. Which Americans don’t always like and I have no idea what Korean humor is.
So we’ll see how it goes.
And there are hairless cats. I used to baby sit one and although they are scary looking, they are incredibly sweet, playful and affectionate. They’re just super people dependent and need so much attention and cuddling. So if you have time for them they are great cats.
They literally just want you to hug them all day long
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