I have spent the past couple years attempting to program my temper.
Not erase my temper because my temper is as useful as it is destructive. But if not properly directed it lands me in a lot of trouble.
Over time I’ve learned that many things affect my irritability.
One of them is a particular type of person. The type that does not directly ask for what they want but instead implies or manipulates for what they want.
I used to believe people such as this were very intentional in their manipulation. But as I’ve matured and learned to pay better attention I’ve noticed manipulation is often not only unconscious it’s unusually a better strategy in most scenarios.
Being fully direct is not always wise. Because it is vulnerable to be fully direct and not every situation can afford vulnerability.
But even for myself, I was not as ‘direct’ as I thought I was. I work ten times harder at everything compared to everyone else just so I can avoid being direct on the things I feel vulnerable on.
I will work so hard because I want to be entitled to certain things rather than have to ask for those things directly.
Did I know I was thinking this way? No. I did not.
Realizing it helped me stop wasting so much energy working so hard and let me direct more energy to simply what I want so I feel less entitled and therefore less angry.
Not enough food or sleep is also a huge factor in irritability. And not enough food means too little of the right food or too much of the wrong food.
So I now try to follow a morning routine and night routine.
And I’m still experimenting with food.
But the main cause of my irritability brings me to the title of this post.
I’ve wanted a dog for a couple years now but have resisted because it feels irresponsible.
And dogs are dangerous.
They are dangerous because they supply emotional support without requiring emotional stability.
The main cause of my high irritability was my emotional instability. The cause of my emotional instability was too low a bandwidth for emotional discomfort.
To get better emotional stability I’ve had to increase my bandwidth for emotional discomfort.
Emotional discomfort is little things. Little frustrations and disappointments and let downs. The point is to experience the discomfort without trying to make it more comfortable.
That means not getting what I want or even feel I need and just dealing with it.
Sometimes I’ll feel really low and think I should just get a dog. But I haven’t yet earned the dog. The dog pictured is one I was watching for a month while my friend was away.
Giving up the dog is going to be very emotionally uncomfortable and I thought well I’ll just get my own dog.
But the point is to feel the discomfort.
It might be asked why I’m being so serious and not just getting a dog and why I’m so concerned about my emotional stability.
I’m so concerned because I want a chance.
I want a chance to break out of my own limitations and get adaptable enough to have more opportunities and be able to handle those opportunities.
Jess lanai 