Jess lanai

A lot of my posts don’t make sense. Because most of them aren’t fully formed thoughts.

They are just little road maps for a future version of myself. So at some point in time I might be able to find a coherent and useable thought that can function as a book, or as insight or perhaps even just wisdom in my old age. (I know I’m going to be a fantastic old lady. I just know this)

I got inspired to write on this subject again because of a comment I received on my last men and porn post and it really got me thinking.

I don’t remember what I wrote in my last post and I’m not going to read it. I won’t reread any of my posts at least for a year or so.

I wouldn’t yet be able to cope with the trauma of how stupid I can be. I need to develop more confidence before I can face some of the idiocies I’ve publicly posted. So for the time being once I hit that publish button I forget everything I said or tried to say and just hide from my own insanity.

But even so. I do know my first men and porn post was pretty nonsensical. Because I still don’t even know what it is I’m talking about on this subject.

Because there’s so much to this subject. There’s so many different ways for me to relate to this subject. And even in my own self I have a hundred different perspectives on my own experience with men and porn. And even outside all that I can sort of see the formations of imprints of other people’s perceptions and perspectives on men and porn. And in a very strange way it all makes sense to me.

And yet all of it conflicts.

So it’s murky water I’m dealing with. Murky in the sense that I can feel how many fish are in the water but I can’t see them.

I’ll start with something very simple that I think is very easy for me to understand and therefore very easy to explain.

Sex is confusing.

It was completely overwhelming when I was young. The desperation to have it was nearly uncontrollable. As was the pressure surrounding it.

I do not miss being young. Because when I was that young and that cute the opportunities available to me were limitless.

I think there is certainly a sense we have when we are young. An instinct that we have access to more opportunities than we will ever have again.

And due to that there is an instinctual pressure that makes everything feel like the end of the world.

I used to think I was very dramatic. Now I don’t think so. I think I was simply astute.

The decisions we make when we are young are crucial. They do produce great rewards and terrible consequences.

And no one feels this kind of pressure more than a young girl with too many opportunities and too many desires and impulses to contend with.

Now that I’m older my options have dropped off. I have less opportunity. And that might sound like a bad thing but it is actually offers incredible clarity and peace and fulfillment.

I’m not lost in the woods anymore trying to decide between fifty possible trails and guess where they lead.

I’m too deep onto one singular trail now and it’s too late to turn back I get to just keep going and see where it leads.

What does this all have to do with men and porn?

I don’t know.

Hopefully I’m getting to an actual point. I do know I have one. It’s just tangled up in a lot of other things and it can be hard to find.

My point could be that my sexual opportunity as the young hot got with lots of personality (to say the least) made me a bit of a basket case.

Porn was actually a very good option for me. Because it put me in the company of male porn stars.

In that way I was protected.

I wasn’t out in the world having a bunch of sex with a bunch of men who were still trying to figure themselves out through sex.

I was having sex with men that were having sex as their job. And thus they were able to detach themselves from the sex because they had a job to do. It wasn’t about them when they had sex on camera. It was about the scene.

Men have a lot of emotion around sex. Because sex is attached to so many things inside them. There’s so much for them to explore and navigate.

To a degree they might need porn.

I don’t know. But it’s a thought I’ve had.

Because as a woman I know my sexual needs pale in comparison and my needs are not tied to the same thing as a man.

My needs hover around attachment and bonding and a degree of safety and protection that sex creates.

By doing porn I created a level of safety and protection around my sex. Even a degree of bonding because porn had a community. It wasn’t romantic or passionate type bonds.

But I could fully trust the men around me. I could feel completely at ease.

That kind of trust was not something I found in real life dating. Real life dating is brutal.

I found it so brutal that I entirely abstained from dating and sex for years.

My first boyfriend was heaven upon the earth. To have passion and safety, and trust with one person was so incredible that when I lost it I was totally shattered for years after it.

That bonding and that trust is quite essential to sex for me as a woman.

And for a man? I can’t imagine how deep a man’s needs might go in relation to sex.

I actually don’t know if I even got to the point I originally had when I started writing this. So I’ll have to just do a part three.