A lot of my posts don’t make sense. Because most of them aren’t fully formed thoughts.
They are just little road maps for a future version of myself. So at some point in time I might be able to find a coherent and useable thought that can function as a book, or as insight or perhaps even just wisdom in my old age. (I know I’m going to be a fantastic old lady. I just know this)
I got inspired to write on this subject again because of a comment I received on my last men and porn post and it really got me thinking.
I don’t remember what I wrote in my last post and I’m not going to read it. I won’t reread any of my posts at least for a year or so.
I wouldn’t yet be able to cope with the trauma of how stupid I can be. I need to develop more confidence before I can face some of the idiocies I’ve publicly posted. So for the time being once I hit that publish button I forget everything I said or tried to say and just hide from my own insanity.
But even so. I do know my first men and porn post was pretty nonsensical. Because I still don’t even know what it is I’m talking about on this subject.
Because there’s so much to this subject. There’s so many different ways for me to relate to this subject. And even in my own self I have a hundred different perspectives on my own experience with men and porn. And even outside all that I can sort of see the formations of imprints of other people’s perceptions and perspectives on men and porn. And in a very strange way it all makes sense to me.
And yet all of it conflicts.
So it’s murky water I’m dealing with. Murky in the sense that I can feel how many fish are in the water but I can’t see them.
I’ll start with something very simple that I think is very easy for me to understand and therefore very easy to explain.
Sex is confusing.
It was completely overwhelming when I was young. The desperation to have it was nearly uncontrollable. As was the pressure surrounding it.
I do not miss being young. Because when I was that young and that cute the opportunities available to me were limitless.
I think there is certainly a sense we have when we are young. An instinct that we have access to more opportunities than we will ever have again.
And due to that there is an instinctual pressure that makes everything feel like the end of the world.
I used to think I was very dramatic. Now I don’t think so. I think I was simply astute.
The decisions we make when we are young are crucial. They do produce great rewards and terrible consequences.
And no one feels this kind of pressure more than a young girl with too many opportunities and too many desires and impulses to contend with.
Now that I’m older my options have dropped off. I have less opportunity. And that might sound like a bad thing but it is actually offers incredible clarity and peace and fulfillment.
I’m not lost in the woods anymore trying to decide between fifty possible trails and guess where they lead.
I’m too deep onto one singular trail now and it’s too late to turn back I get to just keep going and see where it leads.
What does this all have to do with men and porn?
I don’t know.
Hopefully I’m getting to an actual point. I do know I have one. It’s just tangled up in a lot of other things and it can be hard to find.
My point could be that my sexual opportunity as the young hot got with lots of personality (to say the least) made me a bit of a basket case.
Porn was actually a very good option for me. Because it put me in the company of male porn stars.
In that way I was protected.
I wasn’t out in the world having a bunch of sex with a bunch of men who were still trying to figure themselves out through sex.
I was having sex with men that were having sex as their job. And thus they were able to detach themselves from the sex because they had a job to do. It wasn’t about them when they had sex on camera. It was about the scene.
Men have a lot of emotion around sex. Because sex is attached to so many things inside them. There’s so much for them to explore and navigate.
To a degree they might need porn.
I don’t know. But it’s a thought I’ve had.
Because as a woman I know my sexual needs pale in comparison and my needs are not tied to the same thing as a man.
My needs hover around attachment and bonding and a degree of safety and protection that sex creates.
By doing porn I created a level of safety and protection around my sex. Even a degree of bonding because porn had a community. It wasn’t romantic or passionate type bonds.
But I could fully trust the men around me. I could feel completely at ease.
That kind of trust was not something I found in real life dating. Real life dating is brutal.
I found it so brutal that I entirely abstained from dating and sex for years.
My first boyfriend was heaven upon the earth. To have passion and safety, and trust with one person was so incredible that when I lost it I was totally shattered for years after it.
That bonding and that trust is quite essential to sex for me as a woman.
And for a man? I can’t imagine how deep a man’s needs might go in relation to sex.
I actually don’t know if I even got to the point I originally had when I started writing this. So I’ll have to just do a part three.
Jess lanai 
10 responses to “Men and porn part 2”
I find it pretty interesting that you mentioned feeling safer having porn sex than real-life sex. You always hear horror stories of the porn world and how there are so many awful things occurring relating to drug abuse, physical abuse, child trafficking, sexual assault, etc. It seems like people are either staunchly pro porn or very against it. I’m not even really sure how I feel about it, to be honest, since general opinions on it are so extreme and I’ve never done that kind of work before. It’s hard to know what to believe as an outsider.
But I will say it’s nice to see you didn’t have the kind of awful experience that some people have had and that it seems as though you left on your own terms and were able to healthily move on from it (from what I’ve read at least). Genuinely, I was happy to read that. I really was like “good for her 🙂” to myself. It was a nice, normal change of pace from other stories I’ve heard. I was also a bit surprised to read how pleasant male porn actors were from your experience. Admittedly, I also was under the impression that porn dudes were generally skeevy creeps. But again, I’m an outsider who has always has a guard up with men, so my POV will likely be flawed. I’m sure people’s experiences vary, and hopefully the average ex-porn star’s experience is something along the lines of “it was just another job I did” and there was no major harm done.
I’m not sure about men necessarily “needing” porn, I just think it’s more accepted for them to consume it. That sexting buddy I have–who has also grown to be a good friend of mine–has definitely made me much more open and comfortable with my sexuality. I always joke to him about how often he watches. Out of respect, I don’t wanna get too explicit and crass here, but as someone who doesn’t have a ton of experience, I kinda understood what you meant when you mentioned porn being a “safe environment”.
Since my friend and I live across the world from each other, the distance kind of acts as a barrier for any discomfort. He’s been surprisingly respectful about my boundaries. I only just recently showed him my face and my voice, despite him almost immediately showing me everything on his end since we met over a year and a half ago. I also haven’t told him my real name, which he doesn’t seem to mind. Sometimes he’ll send sexual voice notes and stumble over his words (it doesn’t bother me, I love hearing him) or maybe I’ll say something kind of corny or repeat myself during our sexting (he doesn’t seem to care, he says I do everything well). It’s a pretty unusual relationship we have, but it’s nice. We’ve told each other things about ourselves that we haven’t told others irl. I’ve told a few friends about us and they actually find our stories pretty fun. It’s almost like practice for the real thing in some ways, but it in a chill, low stakes environment. I mean not entirely, but hopefully you get what I mean.
Like you said, the trust has to be there. He’s definitely had to earn it from me and we’re both surprised we’ve kept in contact for this long. But we’re also friends and have a platonic liking for each other too, so that’s likely why. I’ve been wanting to visit the country he’s from for a while, like way before I even met him. I’m trying to do it relatively soon, and if I’m in his city we’ll prob meet up in public. If that happens, I’ll probably still be kind of guarded like I was when we first started talking. In person, a lot of those protections I currently have will definitely fall away. Plus, I have to look out for my own safety, as well. He’s taught me a lot about men and helped demystify certain things about them, which I appreciate. But anyways, this message has gotten too long again, I do that a lot lol sorry your writing is just very thought provoking for me. The main point is that everyone should find a healthy, low stakes way to delve into their sexuality, no matter how unusual. I’m glad I didn’t give into pressures of having sex right away, since now that I’m almost 30 and healthier mentally, I’m able to approach it much more maturely and intelligently than I would’ve at say 16, 18, or even 22.
– 🌸
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I did find porn sex to be much safer than in real life. Because it’s men that are very experienced so they’re very good at making women feel comfortable and they’re very good at communicating and they have zero ego with it. You can tell them anything you want or need they won’t take offense to it.
So yes in my experience it was so much safer and easier. In real life guys take sex a lot more personally. They have more to prove with it. They definitely don’t know how to communicate and they can be very awkward so it’s hard to feel comfortable.
And that’s all totally natural of course. But it works better when you’ve bonded with a person and you get to know each other and trust and comfort is developed. Then all that stuff is fine.
But unfortunately I was very desperate for sex so I attempted hookups and hookups with all that lack of communication and ego and awkwardness do not work. It’s awful.
What you’re doing with your sexting I think is how I felt with the porn guys. They were all like friends. So there’s respect and trust and then we can explore sex too. But without the respect and trust none of it is fun.
I do know some porn horror stories, luckily I didn’t experience any horror. But I knew some girls that did have a hard time. Especially with porn agents. Just like being super dick heads and trying to get girls to do scenes they didn’t want to do and just acting like they owned these girls. It was ridiculous.
Happily my own porn agent was fantastic. So I didn’t really have any bad experiences.
And yeah I don’t know yet what I’m even talking about on the men and porn thing. The main thing that I worry about with men is I guess how badly they need sex. And just how like insecure they can get about sex. I think they need help with that in the beginning I guess. And if they don’t find a loving girlfriend to help them I feel like they need something else. And they shouldn’t learn it all from casual hookups.
Because casual hookups are just not the place to learn sex. You don’t learn communication or respect or just anything useful.
I don’t know what I’m talking about yet honestly. I just think dating is pretty brutal.
And good for you on the not giving in to having sex right away. I did give in and I do regret it. The first guy was not nice to me at all, probably just because he felt awkward and didn’t know how to be, but I was young and took it personally. And it definitely messed me up for a bit. I think it’s much better to wait and feel good and comfortable and respected and just able to communicate and be at ease.
It does sound like you should try visiting that guy though!!! If you want to, just going to another country and having fun with a guy sounds really awesome.
Thank you for your long message and your good wishes. It was very nice because right before your message I got a very hateful message on here telling me all sorts of mean things.
So I really needed your message 😊
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I really really like this post, I totally understand aversion to what you wrote a year ago. I enjoy going back and reading through, but I get what you mean from my own writing perspective, it’s pulling teeth to get myself to actually read through my old personal writings.
I really liked how you phrased this
‘So it’s murky water I’m dealing with. Murky in the sense that I can feel how many fish are in the water but I can’t see them.’ Beyond it being a perfect metaphor, and can see how it relates to what you were saying.
That’s a really great way to put it, and you’re spot on. Sex and dating when you’re young is complete chaos. From my experience, I didn’t necessarily have the total chaos that I know young women face but I did have to navigate another side. I was generally used for sex and intimacy only for my first relationships/situations and didn’t realize until after I matured more. When realizing it made me feel like I didn’t have substance to bring and made me have to do some serious self reflection. Even though with clarity now, I don’t miss those days.
I totally get what you mean when describing the misconception or what the reality is behind sex in the adult industry vs in a one on one relationship that has safety, trust and passion? That’s incredible, especially with someone you have chemistry and deep bonds with. I’m glad you had that sense of community and safety while you were in the industry but you’re right, real dating and sex is brutal. It can be so frustrating or defeating it makes you want to move to the middle of woods and become a hermit, or castaway yourself on an island.
But when you find the right person, who you can facilitate that trust, passion and feeling safe?
The Intimacy is unreal, it’s what sonnets were written about.
Either way, I’m going to cut myself off before I write a novel. Loved the post, great great read.
– J
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Thank you for the kind words I needed them today. It was very helpful to read.
And yes I thought dating and sex when I was young was horrifyingly hard. But some of my friends disagree and they thought it was easier when younger. So I guess everyone does have different experiences.
I do think it’s always better to have first sexual experiences in a real relationship with a partner. I think that’s the best way to do it.
I wish I’d had a serious relationship early.
But porn was better than doing casual hookups. Casual hookups will mess most people up I think. I really do.
Dating is pretty brutal. Personally I read a lot and listen a lot to people I like to give me advice. Because it is very hard. It’s hard to keep your humanity with it for sure. I think it requires professional help these days especially. Because it’s become harder to connect with people on a real level. Even just having a real conversation with people has become harder.
Randomly it just happens where you’ll meet fantastic people but the stretches in between meeting those fantastic people can be brutal. So it’s definitely necessary to feed the mind good advice to turn to in the hard times.
Thank you so much for your feedback. I was really needing a nice message like that today
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Of course Jess,You’ve helped me an incredible amount with your writing and intelligence to start changing the way I’ve seen certain things for the better. So thank you.
I’ve definitely heard the same from my buddy, so I’ve heard the other side, but I’ve found knowing what I want and pretty much who I want is easier now. I have my priorities straight and even having the confidence compared to my early 20’s.
I agree, that’s how all of my experiences came to be. I was only in relationships. It definitely set a standard for me to build that respect, trust and feeling of safety with my girlfriend/partner. And honestly? I figured out more in the bedroom about what actually works and what doesn’t. It certainly gives you a space and time to explore safely, and practice if anything. So for that I am thankful.
Dating? Brutal is absolutely the right word to use. I certainly use my professional or educational sources (Dr K, Dr Huberman, etc.) especially the ones you’ve recommended. I absolutely 100% agree and hear you on having a real connection with people and having just a real conversation is just as hard.
I really think when you do meet that fantastic person they definitely make you get lost in a different world with connection and conversation.
It does feel they do kind of come out of nowhere or when you least expect it, but those in between stretches can feel like en eternal wait.
I definitely crave (and have been starved of) intellectual deep banter, conversation, and just discourse in general. So to have that when times are seemingly continuously difficult?
It feels like a fresh water oasis in a million-acre desert. Which I really feel like I have found here.
I’m always happy to give feedback, your writing has been the highlight of my past 3 weeks. Thank you for keeping me engaged and hooked always. Can’t wait for more tangents and takes. They’re always great.
– J
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I’m really happy if I can help at all on anything. Just because I’ve definitely gone through it with some friends where they went into a deep dark hole and I just didn’t know how to handle it and didn’t handle it well. So now when I can help that stuff I like to. It makes me feel better.
You learn a million times more useful things by being in a relationship than by just causally dating for sure. Because I think one of the main problems with dating these days is that people don’t know how to get past the first shallow stages of both attraction and conflict. They just have very black and white thinking and I think that gets developed from too much casual dating.
Even I went through that. Just making a lot of assumptions on everything and not learning how to ask people or even be vulnerable enough to risk really small and simple rejections of asking really simple questions and just assuming all this bad stuff.
I think that really messes people up. Just making up everything in their head instead of learning how to have a real conversation and get real answers from the real person.
That is the challenge to overcome these days I think. It’s getting people to be present with reality instead of stuck inside their heads. It’s very hard sometimes.
But I’ve noticed the best thing I can do is just make sure I’m not stuck inside my own head. So I just try really hard not to let myself assume anything. And try really hard to listen to people for real and not put words in their mouth. And then I try really hard to be as clear as I can be with people. If I know I want something I say if I know I don’t want something I say it.
All that does help a lot. Lots of people will just stay in their own heads. But it does help things a lot to just stay out of our own heads. Once in a while it makes other people feel more comfortable to be more themselves and sometimes it just straight up identifies people that are really trapped in their own imaginary world and can’t be taken out of it.
And yes people like Andrew Huberman are great. He was one of the first people I listened to. He helped me so much
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Absolutely, I’m just happy you’ve been such a big help. I understand that, I’ve been through those situations being the friend that has to be there for them because Ive had enough situations I’d been forced to navigate.
I agree, the most useful tools I’ve learned for relationships, I’ve learned while in a relationship. I definitely have made mistakes. I’ve never been one to yell or be mean, but just things that any grown man should be able to do for themselves. That took some time. But I’m thankful where I am now because of it. Having everything squared away, means the rest of life is seamless.
I agree, people have lost an art of communication to a degree where getting desensitized to constant stimuli from date after date, or person to person. Dating, much like life, is grey. It has its contradictions too.
Being vulnerable (*to the right person)was one of the most difficult things I’ve had to learn. Though honestly the most rewarding. Being rejected has been hard sometimes, but I learn even if it is personal
That person wasn’t meant for me, and my person is still out there. Hell, being divorced I knew that I have someone out there because there’s something more than what I was in.
But yes, that’s the first step is just being up front and intentional with what you say and what you mean. People tend to create a narrative that leads them down paths that they themselves feel deep hurt over. I know I’ve done that once before and it burned but I learned from my own mistakes.
I stay off social media entirely for that reason of people being stuck in their own heads, or even comparing themselves to someone else. Better yet, comparing relationships to other couples online.
What you said about that is absolutely true, trying really hard and focusing on the details and real facts, and blocking out either negative thoughts or too wishful thinking, it can be tricky to navigate sometimes but necessary to be focused. I definitely can appreciate your firmness in boundaries and being clear with people.
I’ve definitely have been listening to Andrew Huberman quite a bit more recently, I find his takes on nootropics interesting as a side bar. Regardless, he’s definitely been solid.
I’m always open to more suggestions as well, thanks again for always writing thoughtful and insightful replies. It means a lot.
– J
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I that’s what’s probably the best thing about being in a long term relationship you get to talk about what’s not working.
Like I know when I go on a casual date most people don’t say what the actual problem is. They just poof out of existence.
But in a relationship there are discussions. It’s incredibly helpful actually. Even if it doesn’t last forever relationships can be incredibly healing.
I know my first boyfriend helped me work through a lot of different things. I had blind spots and he made me aware of them. That’s incredibly helpful to life in general. Not even just my relationships, he improved my quality of life by just helping make me more aware of things.
But if I didn’t have that. If I’d just gone out from casual relationship to casual relationship with no one to really work with me and be a partner to me and call me out where I needed it, I’d be a total basket case.
So I definitely don’t think all relationships are meant to last forever. But they can be incredibly helpful.
And yes dating world is definitely hard. People don’t even know what they are rejecting these days. I talk to some women and it’s like they have zero insight or awareness and yet are trying to get their needs met. It’s not even entirely their fault. I get it to a degree. But that is who is out there trying to date.
It can be very hard. My strategy has become becoming as centered as I can, so I can better handle other people. Because most people are very good people, they just don’t know how to handle certain emotions and often you need to be patient with it, not react to their reaction. Especially with women these days. So I find the higher a bandwidth I have the easier it is to date.
But the thing is, men and women are so different. I’m careful about giving men advice because what works for me does not work for men I think.
That’s why I like the podcasts guys because they really know what they are talking about.
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Exactly, long term relationships (when finally in one) are wonderful. Time to grow and learn but even knowing the chance of not ending up with that person. I was much more like that in my early 20’s but now I save my time for not just picking anyone, or trying to get married and have kids to just do it. I want it with the person I have in my mind as the right fit. Which at this point I have a much clearer image of who that is.
Casual dates can suck and be brutal for sure, I try to avoid anything too casual for myself but I think that’s what is going to make 10x as special when I am with the person I want to slow burn with.
I agree, I think being your partners cheerleader is great but it’s just vital to be their editor. It never never hurts to have someone who actually cares tell you, because they want to see you succeed. Not always because they’re hateful. There’s a line that’s crossed sometimes with couples. But I know the way it’s delivered matters too.
So I 100% agree with that.
I can seriously tell you’ve gained a lot of useful and important experience/knowledge from chatting with you. It’s so refreshing to know there’s a woman out there whose view, insight and experience is something I wish more people in general had.
And that’s true, they are wanting for needs to be met but not willing to realize I’m fully willing to commit to the journey, but they have to also commit and commit to reality in a sense. I understand there being so many different people out there but still, that’s who I’m sure you’ve run into as well.
That’s very true and a good way to approach it, not reacting to emotions but just the situation has been a life saver and stress saver.
It’s allowed me to work through a problem but not get sucked into what mindset they might have, and that mindset might be what the issue is.
As far as your advice goes? I still use it as effectively as I can, but most certainly taking your recs for podcasts, books, hell I’d even take some for music at this point.
I really do find getting to talk with you refreshing and a huge enjoyable part of my weeks. So thank you, and also you’ve gotten me to now plan on binging twin peaks, so thanks for deciding, my ‘off time show’, for the next few weeks for me 🤣
– J
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what i said before,it could be you who does not want chilren and any future partner does.My daughter is a criminal barrister and currently without children any partner she has the same questions apply ?
Take Care Mike.
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