Jess lanai

Shame

When writing on this blog I have only two goals.

The first goal is what I call in my head ‘finding the equation’ I call it that because I liken it to trying to solve a very complex math problem.

I can’t do it in my thoughts. I have to write it all down so I can see all the components. And I can’t solve it all at once. I have to solve one component to see the possible answer to the other components.

This is true for both fiction and nonfiction.

Some problems are so complex that to even find the problem you have to find the equation. Because what equals what has no actual assigned value.

That is the relationship between conscious thought and emotion.

Writing is how I help myself find everything. And I do it by putting everything where I think it might go and then seeing if things start to make any sense.

Often they don’t.

But I have noticed over the years of trying to write that the more I simply put things where I think they go and the more honest I am about where l really think something goes versus where I want it to go the more cohesive a map is created. And eventually something does end up equaling something and I will have finally succeeded in creating an equation between a sense and a truth.

The second goal I have in posting on this blog is to simply exercise my shame.

I’m very familiar with shame. But that doesn’t mean I’ve had any clue what it is or what it does for most my life.

It’s a feeling that tends to be avoided. But I don’t think shame should be avoided because it is the most useful emotion if you want to become adept at something.

Shame is most especially useful when attempting to relate a super personal and super internal impulse or desire to another human being or a group of human beings.

What I’m about to say is maybe a bit radical because everyone seems to believe we’re not supposed to be ashamed of ourselves we’re supposed to be confident.

But I find my own shame to be a gage and temper between my darker or less accepted desires and the current societal mood.

Shame helps me feel enough self consciousness to see myself as someone else might see me. It gives me some empathy for another perspective so that I can adjust myself from the outside.

What I’m trying to say is tricky to say and I don’t yet know how to say it.

But this blog for example. Shame is an emotion I have to face with writing. Because it requires me presenting real thoughts and ideas that have not only haven’t been accepted but have never been tested. That risks ridicule.

A lot of the time I will look like and be an idiot. And people I know might find this blog and read it and make fun of me. Or worse, I may give them the ‘ick’ and they may distance themselves from me.

And honestly they may be right. Sometimes we blunder and fumble things and make pretty bad mistakes that do have social consequences. Shame is a tool for that.

In posting on this blog and exercising my shame I help myself get a better feel on how to relate the deeper things to other people.

By:

Jess lanai

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7 responses to “Shame”

  1. A healthy amount of shame is good. It keeps us in check and can be a great way to avoid repeating a mistake. I don’t think shame and confidence are mutually exclusive, though. I actually think having more general self-confidence makes shame a bit less intense. It makes it easier to sit with yourself and say “yeah, I fucked up” or “that thing I did was kinda cringey” after you do something that wasn’t well received.

    I also think learning to laugh at shame has helped me mitigate those intense feelings of embarrassment I get. Yesterday, I made a text post on Tumblr (yep I’m that 29 year old who still uses Tumblr after 15 years lmao) that sounded hilarious in my head, but ended up getting zero notes. I was kind of like “oh, that made absolutely zero noise 😬” and then deleted it. Then I started to feel a bit of shame because I felt like I should’ve just kept the post up since it’s my blog and I’m not blogging for anyone else. Then I was like “who cares, it’s just the internet” and went about my day.

    With my OCD, I remember years before I was diagnosed, I would replay situations in my head where maybe someone reached badly to something I did/said. Sometimes what I did/said was harmless, other times it wasn’t. I thought I did something wrong and punished myself over and over again by telling myself how dumb I am for not being self aware, that I should’ve known better, that I shouldn’t have made that person upset etc. I still do this now, but it’s not as bad as it once was. It actually happened a few times when I visited Tokyo recently and did a few minor faux pas that maybe mildly annoyed a few workers. Nothing major, just some cultural differences I wasn’t aware of unfortunately.

    A lot of times other people’s negative reactions aren’t even personal. The people pleaser in me couldn’t always see that though. I hope I can one day move past this awful habit 100% (or as close to 100% as I can get). I’ve learned to cope with it by trying to laugh at it. I’m guilt of taking myself a bit too seriously and taking things too personal at times, I’ll admit.

    I guess I’m just trying to say that we’re all a little corny, embarrassing, un-self aware, and weird at times. If you’re constantly trying to avoid shame, you’ll never learn anything. Oftentimes, when I try not to accidentally do something shameful, I inadvertently do something embarrassing lol. You’ll embarrass yourself at some point no matter how hard you try not to. We should all be a lot nicer to ourselves.

    — 🌸

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    • Oh my god I know exactly how you feel with that posting something that sounds hilarious in your head but then later wanting to delete it. I feel that way constantly about everything. I personally do try to just keep it up and let it go. To wade through the embarrassment I guess.

      To be able to feel the embarrassment without it being a huge deal. Sometimes it does actually help me understand more on how something comes off in my head versus how it comes off in real life. I think that’s the growing pain to go through with it.

      When you can endure the embarrassment, get a handle on it without letting it make you second guess everything but still be able to acknowledge it, I think that can be very useful.

      I had to do that with acting too. Just like be able to marinate in the awkward embarrassment for a bit without letting it mean too much but also not letting it mean nothing.

      I think it’s almost like training a muscle. Like you have to build it up. If you just torture yourself with too much shame it’ll like injure your confidence. But you want to build it up too so you can endure more and more of it. So you can try harder and harder things.

      But as far as in relation to people it’s different story. I’m also a people pleaser. And I do have to be very careful not to over do it.

      I heard one guy, can’t remember his name, but he said when he got the urge to be overly people pleasey and concerned with that kind of stuff, he’d do something to please himself.

      Like, take a break to read or buy himself a coffee, or laugh out loud or whatever it was. Just something he wanted in the moment and it helped it take the presssure off of needing to please other people.

      I think that could work with writing too.

      Like, pleasing the posting something just because we want to and enjoying it just for ourselves, then working on other stuff to get better after pleasing ourselves.

      I’m writing this while I’m working by the way so I’m not sure how much sense it’s making 🤣🤣🤣

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      • What do you feel shame about,having done porn,your Dad dying or a bad relationship with your Mom or is it a combination of all three.They are all big parts of your life and no matter how much you intelectualize it comes down to basic feelings.

        From my perspective my life is ok better than it has been my Daugter keeps me at arms lenghth my son lives in Belgium both are Professionals my daughter is pleased i am doing better but i know zero about where she is in her career only that she is in chambers in WC1 .

        Your experience in Porn 10 years ago will last a lot longer and has affected you,with your Mom and her relationship with your Dad .

        It might be best to deal with some of these issues,Look at Lana rhoades a more successful actress than you (no offence)She has just had a baby,she would like her whole porn career wiped clean,that just is not going to happen.I think you are smarter and more able to find safer ground but these films you did 10 years ago are always going to be there.

        I am personally glad that i have read your story because it shows the problems of porn both for you and me.I can’t watch porn without thinking of the problems with everyone of the people i am watching,i could cite this one or that one .Could you cite 1 person who is genuinely happy after career in porn,if you can i will withdraw my remark.

        I am glad you have a path you are following but ???

        Take care Mike

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      • Shame is a pretty common emotion for most young women. Especially those with my personality type that both shy and eager to please. Most women go through a period of high shame because we go through an awkward phase where we simply feel overwhelmed by trying to be good enough.
        Even if I had never done porn I’d have felt that shame. Porn of course added to it in some ways. But porn also made better at handling my shame. I can work with my shame instead of running from it.

        I’ve always had a very good relationship with my parents. My dad passed away from cancer a while back, but he forgave me as did my mom. They had a hard time with it for about a year after finding out, but like I said I get along very well with them and I quit so it became no problem at all.

        I knew Lana back when, I don’t remember much about her other than that she was very nice to me. A lot of girls would like their porn careers erased. I can’t say I blame them. I just have a different philosophy.

        My philosophy is to be where I’m at. There are certain things I have in my life because I did porn. Some of those things are an advantage. Others are a disadvantage. But I like to use whatever resources I have in my current situation and simply be grateful for those resources.

        So I don’t want to bother myself trying to erase the past.

        There are people that are very happy from doing porn. Many of them are very well off financially and in fantastic loving relationships and have children. They are simply a smaller percentage.

        Because porn attracts a lot of people that already down a bad path and feel they have no other options.

        It takes a special personality type fo be able to put aside the pride and the identity and be able to just look at porn as a fun career. The shame gets a lot of people and it can be a very unhealthy community.

        But still there are some great people that are perfectly happy making porn and they are living fabulous lives.

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      • I will not comment anymore if i do not get feedback from you,i made the comment i made because we can’t change anything we have done in our past ( sounds grim) but how we cope with it or learn to cope with it then…….

        I do not want to cause you pain,but sometimes we have to face our pasts to live in the present.

        Take care Mike.

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      • I’m sorry life is a bit hectic at the moment I will respond to your comments later when I have to time to give a full response and am not in a hurry

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  2. I’ve thought about this as well, shame can be a fickle friend but a useful one at that. My early 20’s were certainly marred by mistakes, social faux pas and other times I was blindly and confidently wrong. I could argue a lot of reasons I was that way and I’m sure anyone could for their own case.

    Though I know I’ve used it to correct where I was erroneously wrong, and that in itself was embarrassing (besides being absolutely sure I was right). which didn’t take too many times but a healthy dose kept me grounded long enough for me to make it to 29 so far. I’d say I use it far, far less now. While yes ‘be kind to yourself’ and I do agree, having self awareness is a huge key for success as an adult. Which part of that is having some shame or some self standards which if you stray from, feels inherently bad or ‘not authentic’. I think doing that enough helps us get closer to our authentic self’s and choosing that self while making decisions through life and every day happenings.

    This article has given me some great food for thought and gives me a lot of perspective, and helps with what’s going on in life currently. You always hit the mark Jess.

    – J

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