Jess lanai

The purpose of this blog is not exactly to get views. Its purpose is more the possibility of views so that I have to think from outside perspectives as I write.

It helps me practice translating my thoughts and ideas not only to myself but to other people.

Which is an incredibly difficult muscle to develop. I would say it’s something most people don’t develop.

They keep their thoughts and ideas to themselves and simply practice copying and communicating the thoughts and ideas that have already been accepted.

And there is a good reason for that. It takes a lot of energy, focus and failure to try to translate a real internal perspective and do what people call being genuine.

Being genuine and authentic is not always worth the cost and it is most certainly not a recipe for success.

The recipes for success are out there and they can be copied and pasted.

But such a strategy as copying and pasting a technique is meant to be very shallow. It’s not meant to go deep.

The ability to translate an internal perspective should still be developed so it can be used when needed because success is not always what’s most important.

If you’re reading this and you have no idea what it is I’m talking about that is because in writing this I’m currently in the actual process of puzzling out how to translate a real idea.

By real idea I mean from over the course of my life and my experiences and the life and experiences of all my family I’ve created a perspective so unique that only I can have it.

I’m attempting to translate it.

Not be right or wrong or even have an opinion. Just organize and translate more complex thoughts and feelings.

Dating is very strange these days. Maybe it’s always been strange. Or maybe certain aspects of it have deeply deteriorated from modern advantages.

I don’t really know.

All I know is what I’ve realized for myself.

I’ve realized very terrible and horrifying things that are difficult to accept.

One of those horrifying things is how much power I have.

The other horrifying thing is how much power I don’t have.

And how many twisted strategies get developed around this having and lacking power.

As woman one of my greatest fears is that men’s only interest in me is sexual.

Because it makes lots of things very complicated.

I don’t want to give sex to 99.99 percent of the men I’m forced to interact with.

And even when I do meet a man I want to have sex he’s going to be a rare creature and I’m going to want to keep him.

If his only interest in me is sex then he’s quite likely to quickly abandon me. Which is extremely unpleasant.

So I don’t really stand to gain anything but trouble from men that only want sex from me and yet I still have to interact with them.

I have to either ‘fake’ it all the time, be flirty and sweet and act like I might be open for sex, or I have to be a bitch and make sure every man knows they won’t get sex so they go away if that’s what they want.

Guess which strategy I chose?

Being a super bitch isn’t always the most effective strategy.

But it does naturally build up certain advantages over time.

Since I don’t want to use my sex appeal I will try to show my value in other ways.

I’ll try to be useful or smart or considerate or trustworthy.

There are people that value these things. But there’s not many of them.

Because the only people that truly value those things value them because they already have sex.

And they already have the main component of sex. Which is validation. So they don’t need my validation.

And then my usefulness will actually become important.

I’m going to make a statement now that I don’t think many people will agree with but oh well.

Even when I did porn I was not using my sex appeal.

I see a great many porn girls (I guess they’re only fans girls now) that don’t use their sex appeal either.

They also lead with their other traits.

And what people get confused about with porn is it is actually one of the few environments where you don’t have to lead with sex appeal.

Because there’s really no one around to validate.

In my current job I spent a lot more time having to validate people than I ever did in Porn. And honestly it’s part of the reason I’m a big bitch. (Only part. There are other reasons) I didn’t have to kiss any asses in porn. I never developed the proper ass kissing skills of being friendly to people I do not like.

People in porn are so tired of sex they just want you to do your job. (I might have to write more on this later. But in this particular post it’s becoming a tangent. I need to watch my tangents)

When I really like a man I’m not a bitch.

I’m the opposite. I shower the men I like with adoration. There is no confusion on whether or not I like them.

Liking a man is a huge relief. Because I get to feel like I can give myself instead of protect myself.

Most people actually love to give. I’ve noticed it’s one of the most human things. Perhaps not even just human, but mammal things.

Adoring family or friends or a guy so much that you just want to give them everything is a wonderful existence.

What I described up above, how much I show it when I like a guy and how I like to shower them with adoration that is an internal thing.

By internal I mean it was the authentic thing.

It was however not the strategy I employed in most of my life trying to date.

I copy pasted my dating strategies.

I observed and employed the ‘I just need sex’ strategies (I did actually really need sex though.)

I employed the play it cool and aloof and act like you don’t care strategies.

Or even the straight up avoidance strategies hence doing porn.

I remember the first time I really liked a guy after porn and slept with him I got so petrified that I snuck out while he was sleeping and then I quit porn because the experience shook me so badly I didn’t even want to have sex anymore.

Because that is the danger of copy pasting everything and never exercising authenticity.

And the thing about authenticity is it going to get rejected or result in catastrophic failure in many or most cases.

Because once again it is not a strategy for achieving a specific success. Sometimes authenticity does need to be put aside. Some things are practical.

For example. I need to make a certain amount of money. And all I need is the simplest, easiest most straightforward way I can do that.

(Something being simple and easy includes not doing something I absolutely hate and have to force myself to do)

I don’t need to go to the trouble and incur the cost of being authentic to make money.

I can copy paste what’s already working and just do it.

But for things that go deeper like dating authenticity is very necessary. I should be exercising those muscles and accepting the immediate consequences and fumbles of trying to communicate from a real place.

Because the long term consequences are nasty.

It ends in is a power switch. From ultimate power to no power.