Jess lanai

How to date part 8

I love being in my thirties because being in my twenties was hell.

In my twenties I was constantly being bombarded by intense emotions and intense needs without having any clue what was coming from where.

So I was a bit psychotic.

I’d get hit with a big wave of intense emotions and then would go off on people or situations that didn’t deserve it and then feel an intense amount of shame and embarrassment.

Shame is very powerful. More powerful than anger and depression in a lot of cases. So that shame would make me wrestle with myself when I felt intense emotions. I’d attempt to hide them or ignore them or control them.

But then I encountered the new problem that emotions can be valid indications of danger. So in ignoring my emotions I’d suffer the severe consequences of missing all the information those emotions were trying to tell me.

The ignition of anger for example is usually an indication that boundaries are being crossed. So ignoring anger just allowed people to rob me of everything I wanted to keep for myself.

That’s what made me a bit psychotic. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t tell when I was over reacting to an emotion or under reacting to it.

Because both had severe consequences.

The consequence to over reacting was the intense shame and loss of social standings with people I liked.

The consequence of under reacting was rage and the loss of time, focus and energy spent on tolerating things to my own detriment. Essentially using everything I had to dig my own grave just to save someone else the trouble.

All of that might’ve made me sound very dramatic but I think it’s actually all a pretty normal part of being young.

Just the natural process of calibrating ourselves to the world. Of figuring out what goes where and what means what.

I was perhaps a bit extra dramatic.

But I think most human beings are pretty dramatic creatures.

And dating will certainly bring out the drama.

Dating in my thirties is remarkably wonderful and pleasant. Because I’m no longer in the hell of being bombarded by emotions.

I have calibrated myself to the world so I thus know how to properly read my own emotions. I know what goes where. And on the occasions when I don’t know what goes where I know how to figure it out.

I know how to calm down and calibrate myself to a situation. But most importantly I know the function of my own emotions.

I know for example that my anger is not something I should spend any time controlling. If my anger is too present and consistent then I am in a situation I should not be in and simply need to get out.

I also know that my depression is a bit overactive and I should be a bit careful with it. My depression is over active because I do tend to get obsessive and my depression is constantly trying to balance my obsessiveness out.

Every time I get really depressed over a thing I will lose attachment to that thing. Which is very useful in a way. But I do have to be careful not to over indulge my depression because it can make me lose all motivation for things worth pursuing.

I also of course have to be a bit careful with over indulging my motivation because it’s so easy for me to over work.

I used to have a pit bull. I loved that dog to death. But he would get so focused on a thing that no amount of pain could distract him from the thing.

That dog would injure himself chasing a tennis ball. Or if I trained him to do something he would die before he would not do that thing.

I can be a lot like that dog.

Relationships can be especially dangerous to activating that kind of motivation.

So I do allow myself little doses of depression just to slow down my motivation and be able to redirect it so it’s actually benefiting me.

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Jess lanai

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15 responses to “How to date part 8”

  1. Great job but I’m still trying to figure out the way your thoughts and personality made you take role in those very rough scenes

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      • It can be very personal but weren’t you ever concered about the possible health issues while perfroming those very rough scenes? I enjoyed them very much as an observant but then I was telling myself ” Damn this is so wild to be true!” Actually the safety in Porn is not discussed that much for whatever reason !

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      • It was insanely safe. Like, safer than taking a nap. It was not like real life. We made it look far more intense than anything ever actually was. There was acting involved

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      • It seems the duality between porn and reality can be incredibly misleading! For me—and many other regular porn consumers—those specific, extreme acts (like gaping or prolapse) were always among the most alluring. I never imagined those scenarios might be entirely staged or fabricated ! Is that really the case? To me, there always seemed to be a sense of authenticity in the act of performers willing to push beyond conventional boundaries.

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      • When it comes to this subject matter men seem to have difficulty understanding. I don’t know why. But just because something is exaggerated it doesn’t mean it’s fake. Men get so black and white on sex. Your minds work in a very different way for sure. The camera exaggerates everything with how it’s shot. I exaggerate everything with how I act. That doesn’t mean it’s fake. But a portion of it is performative.
        Porn is not like real sex. None of it is vulnerable or spontaneous. It is all perfectly structured and designed and tailored. That doesn’t mean it’s fake. But it doesn’t have what you’d get from real sex.

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    • Iam truly grateful for the time you have dedicated to answering. I can fully grasp and internalize the dramatic aspects you so well explained. From a cinematic perspective, pornographic films are no exception, as dramatic acts  unfold within them as well.

      However, I remain curious about how actors like you, who have performed those extreme scenes, handle the challenges and potential consequences involved. To be honest, engaging in some of these acts in real life—such as anal sex or “gaping” -can lead to serious medical issues; the point is, such activities always carry risks. I assume you personally wanted to perform these acts, yet you were likely aware of the potential side effects. You mentioned that these activities are as safe as taking a nap, but I find it hard to digest  how performing such acts can be that safe and easy?  

      It seems to me that actors performing in very intense or demanding scenes are constantly at risk of discomfort—both during and after shoot . Following the  strict guidelines, undergoing comprehensive training, and having medical monitoring  would likely be necessary .  Ultimately, my question—or concern—is: just how much importance is placed on the health of actors in the porn industry? I realize you possess unique talents, but you are human nonetheless, and your physiology is no different from ours.

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  2. Another great post, this one really helps a lot. Perspective shift has been a major factor and realizing I’ve finally become someone who feels more confident to date after having my 20s to make those mistakes.

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      • Absolutely , I refuse to be the person who only bashes their ex, it quickly becomes a personality trait at a point. But in reality, I’m happy to just to be pursuing the next steps of my life and whichever woman comes with that, I’m just happy it was seamless where there was zero fallout after.

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      • Yes and I believe even if things don’t work out long term with a person that person still contributed a lot to me, even if it was in the form of an unpleasant lesson to learn. And they usually helped invent an aspect of me so I try to honor that. I had all good break ups but I had a terrible falling out with my best friend that got really ugly. Sometimes I feel bitter about it. But then I remember that even though it sucked at the end, there were many times when she was an incredible friend. Because it’s true and bitterness doesn’t seem worth it.

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      • Exactly, they were meant to be in your life for that time period and no longer if they leave. Like you said even with it being unpleasant, it’s still lesson that helps chisel a facet into personality and who we are as humans.

        And I understand that, I’m sorry to hear still. But maybe sometimes thinking back on the fond memories is just why they’re there. As fond memories to reflect and helping invent an aspect of one’s self. It takes a lot of self awareness, and introspection. So yeah, it’s easy to be bitter but it’s worth it to be understanding/reflective.

        – J

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  3. Pit Bulls are probably the most intense loving dogs I know. I grew up with many of them and they are like bowling balls that know no personal boundaries. On the bright side they hardly ever shed their fur.

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  4. I’m not super into dating. I’ve actually never dated anyone despite almost being 30. The closest I’ve been is going on one date with a guy and currently having a sexting buddy who lives across the world from me (funny story since I actually indirectly found you from him lol). It’s not even really intentional, I’m not a femcel, I just don’t have much interest. People think it’s odd but whatever, I like it since it helps me avoid the drama that comes with dating. I much prefer platonic relationships. However, I like your writing, even if I can necessarily relate to all of it. It’s always intriguing to hear those perspectives that I don’t/can’t have.

    Anyway, I really appreciate how you discuss just how hellish being a girl in her 20s is. Truly it’s not for the weak. I spent much of my 20s with some VERY obsessive and unhealthy thinking patterns, feeling guilty for having negative thoughts/feelings about literally anything (long story), and some bad people pleasing tendencies as a result. Turns out I have OCD and am fully diagnosed. It was pretty odd to be diagnosed at first, but it helps knowing I’m not crazy. I’m no longer ashamed of it, it has its benefits honestly.

    Now that I’m in my later 20s, I’ve also found myself overcorrecting that by overreacting when I feel as though someone is treating me with contempt. Probably to make up for me not putting myself first for so long. It’s definitely something I’m trying to work on and get better at as I enter my 30s. I too still feel certain negative emotions very intensely, prob because I felt as though I wasn’t allowed to for the longest time so I’m allowing myself to lean into those feelings, even if they’re ugly.

    I agree that removing yourself from certain situations is helpful. In the event I can’t do that, though, I’ve noticed that oftentimes my basic needs aren’t being met. Then I get feral 😅. So I’ve started being more intentional about exercising (I do pole dancing 3 times a week), eating healthier, and socializing often since I get very in my own head. Like to the point where it makes me feel like I’ve regressed back to that immature, unstable early 20s girl I was. I still find myself being like that pitbull you had, having too much tunnel vision and not focusing on all that’s around me. Anyways, I’m going on a tangent now, but this was a good read and I hope your writing career takes you somewhere great.

    — 🌸

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    • This was a fascinating read because you’ve talked about things I’ve never thought of before. I’m in a similar situation where I was in a sexting type deal of a relationship that may have ended because I got like super into it and I guess he didn’t get super into it.

      I find it almost impossible not to get overly invested with a guy actually and yes it ends up being a lot of drama. Which is a pain. But I’ve adjusted to the drama over the years and now it’s mostly fun and when the drama happens I take it less seriously. So it’s in shorter spurts. But the fun also is in too short of spurts for me as well.

      Being a girl in the 20s is hell. I also went through the people pleasing which has so many consequences that are really hard to correct later in life. Luckily I didn’t fall into too bad a crowd. But I knew some girls that did and it can be so awful. My best friend had OCD, she said it was awful. Especially with driving she had to like, drive around the same block like ten times to make sure she hadn’t hit anyone. And leaving her house was very difficult as well. Just with having to check everything one hundred times.

      She actually did get over most of it but it did have some advantages and there were certain careers she was very good at because of her OCD. Once it stopped being debilitating it became useful.

      I personally love my thirties. My emotions have mellowed out. I’ve figured out some of my really bad patterns so I can like, control them a bit and it makes life easier and less frustrating. And I actually love my dark feelings now. They are the most helpful to me. My toughest one is still anger. I get very easily irritated when I don’t like people and I’m very mean.

      Sometimes I do feel bad about it.

      But often I don’t.

      Basic needs have been tough for me. I still don’t know what they are. I know what everyone says they are supposed to be. But my basic needs definitely aren’t the same as everyone’s. I’m not sure I need a lot of the stuff people say you’re supposed to need.

      And then there’s stuff I do really need that no one talks about. So I find it very hard to navigate basic needs.

      Thank you very much for this feedback it was fascinating

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