Jess lanai

At some point I’m going to go all in and attempt to get someone to give me money for my writing.

By all in I mean I’m going to start at the bottom and look for every stone and turn it over.

I could turn over all the stones and never find a soul that wants to give my money for my words. Or I could find only a few handfuls of souls that want to willingly give me money for what I wrote. Which honestly I’d be grateful for.

Because one of my biggest fears is that I’m totally insane. And if even a few strangers (that have no previous knowledge of me so they can be charmed) exchanged their hard earned money to read real words I wrote I’d know I’m not totally insane.

I’m okay with being half insane. I just don’t want to be totally insane.

But even if I never ever sell any writing and I am proven to be totally insane at the very least writing is occupying my insanity and keeping it out of my daily life.

Because that’s what creativity is for.

There’s lots of people in the world that are very loud and blabbery. (I know it’s not a word. But I say it all the time) and whenever someone is loud and blabbery and not paying attention to anything other than how they want to be perceived by others I just think they must have an unmet creative need.

They need something to do that is stealing their focus enough that they are using their creative powers.

Creative powers are things that absorb curiosity and the problem solving mind so deeply that the ego gets abandoned.

By ego I mean the part of ourselves that is aware and operates for others and makes us feel self conscious or ashamed. Or embarrassed or pushes us to achieve status instead of just results.

Writing for example is my creative outlet. There are certain creative problems I work on in writing that could make me entirely insane and make other people cringe for me.

And even if I don’t like the shame I might feel at the thought of people cringing for me the writing is worth it. Because my curiosity and problem solving mind is so occupied it drowns out any ego.

Drowning out ego is very good not only for the mind. It’s very good for the development of a personality.

Because you’re giving yourself access to yourself. To the things that honestly interest you and put a certain under utilized part of yourself to work.

So doing some kind of creative project isn’t about having a career all the time. It can be.

But the point of it is to disentangle from ego and be able to be present with the internal drives and functions. So all that stuff isn’t all suppressed and leaking out all over everyone in an over active ego.

I get rather philosophical sometimes in these posts but I’m not like that in the world. Because I’ve at least gotten out all my crap on these blogs.

I’ve explored my real thoughts, feelings and inclinations in a place where people can look at them if they feel like it. Instead of being blabbery and loud out in the world.

That is the point of creativity.

So I can function and not be annoying.