Jess lanai

I have my own special little toxic traits that I’ve slowly become aware of over the years.

The funny thing about toxic traits that I’ve noticed is that they don’t develop from what happened to me. They develop from too much evidence of a prediction I made up in my head being correct.

Not it actually being correct. Just too much evidence that I’m likely to be correct on my own theory of my own impending doom will spiral me into solving a problem that might not even exist.

This may seem silly. But I’ve noticed it’s actually been very useful. It’s ingenious really. That my mind can invent solutions to theoretical problems that may not even ever exist.

That is how fucking smart I am. And how smart most women are. And how insane most women are.

I’m going to be painfully honest on this fact. Doing porn as a woman doesn’t make you toxic but it will expand your toxic powers.

As a porn girl I expanded my awareness of more kinds of impending doom. And became even more aware of the different ways I can be to be pleasing enough or invisible enough to not attract attention.

As a porn girl it was very easy to be both invisible and pleasing. Because I wasn’t a threat to anyone.

I was a silly porn girl nothing I did or said needed to be taken seriously. And I could be just a little smart or a little funny and people would find it both entertaining and admirable. I was also very skilled at diminishing myself when I needed to.

I was thus very likable. Being likable is a good way to avoid impending doom. And it is a woman’s most toxic skill.

Most of us know how to be likable. Most porn girls know how to be likable times ten.

Because porn girls also often learn how to lose their defensiveness and accept criticism. We know a lot of people look down on us and we know not to fight it. But to lean into it and accept it. And even be apologetic for our own existence.

You might notice a lot of true porn girls make fun of their sexuality and are silly with it. In the face of criticism they will also get silly, or they’ll accept the criticism with grace, or even diminish themselves and get as small as possible to simply shrink out of the spotlight.

Because for a lot of girls porn isn’t necessarily a choice, it’s a means of survival.

Not because they need money. Not because they need attention.

But because they need a bare minimum.

One thing I know for certain about women is how terrified we are of not getting the bare minimum.

I for example at one point got it in my head that I had to work three times as hard as everyone else just to get the bare minimum.

Why I thought this way probably had a lot to do with my intense shyness. I had a harder time in school I got in trouble more and I was more sensitive.

What it meant was that I paid a hell of a lot more attention and was constantly identifying the ten extra things I could do to receive my bare minimum.

In work that meant I always made sure I was doing three times as much work as everyone else because I thought that meant I would at least not get fired. Wrong.

In friendships it meant I’d break my back to be accommodating so they would at least appreciate me even if the friendship ended. Wrong.

But this line of thinking isn’t always wrong. There are certain times in my life where I’ve been incredibly successful because of this overdoing, over giving toxicity.

It’s the reason I’m so efficient. It’s the reason I identify the most useful thing I can do for a person instead of the easiest thing I can do.

It’s the reason I always do more than either I should or said I would do and only expect the bare minimum in return.

Is it toxic? Yes.

Why?

Because everyone’s bare minimum is not the same. I don’t actually get to choose what I get for what I give.

It’d be like a guy taking me out on an expensive date and then expecting sex.

An expensive date isn’t my bare minimum.

My bare minimum is attraction.

So this over doing is an incredibly toxic mindset that tries to impose things on other people.

It tries to force my status on someone instead of asking for my status.

But.

On occasion that kind of toxicity can actually be appropriate and it can develop useful traits.

Honestly. I’m a just a wee, teeny, tiny bit drunk.

Happy 4th, yay America