Jess lanai

How to date part 7

I’ve started seeing a man that I really super like.

Seeing a man that I really super like is much different than just dating in general.

In regular dating I feel like I’m pretty logical and communicative. I have a good sense of when to speak my mind and when to keep my mouth shut.

I know when to give things a chance and when they need to end.

But when I’m seeing someone I really super like I feel like I’m fifteen again and can barely function.

Really liking a person can be very humbling. Because all the fears I thought I’d concurred return.

And it can turn out everything was just a theory. All the things I thought I knew and learned were just my theories for when I meet a person I really like. I learned no actual facts and nothing is safe.

As a woman, liking a man is very troublesome and can be very dangerous.

Because my mind gets a lot more elastic and moldable. Whatever patterns or foundations I have developed in myself are weakened.

I become susceptible to the man. To his likes and dislikes and his way of thinking.

I’m not sure all women are like this or maybe even it’s a people thing and we all, men and women, become more susceptible when intensely attracted.

But I do know to be very careful with my own intense attraction or interest in a man.

I’m careful of it in the same way I’d be careful with a child’s expectations.

I don’t want to promise Disneyland, actually, I hate Disneyland.

Different analogy.

I don’t want to promise swimming with the dolphins (yes I got to do that. My dad got it for us. It was so awesome I almost died of happiness) until I’ve purchased the experience.

Because I am a woman. It is in my nature to bond from high attraction. I cannot control that nature.

I can reason with it a wee bit though. I can give it things it needs to do before it feels safe. I can give it a backup plan like friends or family it can turn to. Or things it can occupy itself with such as writing or cooking or a new sport to try.

I can promise it if it doesn’t work out there will be other opportunities to swim with dolphins.

But I do need to manage its expectations. Not because of the man involved but because I myself am in a weakened and more vulnerable state.

And as a woman, and maybe as a man as well, there is a temptation to devote all my resources and focus to the attraction.

In some cases that’s actually not a bad thing. That’s what I did when I was doing Mektoub. My intense interest in Salim was why I did so well in that film.

The kind of focus and motivation that comes from intense attraction can be one of the most powerful forces and it can be used to an advantage.

But I was lucky enough to be attracted to a man that was focused and driven and a fair and a good human being.

That doesn’t always happen. And intense attraction is not something I feel I have control over. Maybe I’m wrong on that. But I’ve never been able to make myself feel attraction nor stop myself feeling attraction.

I can I suppose increase my attraction to someone where there is at least some attraction. I can also decrease my attraction to someone I’m very attracted to.

But these increases or decreases aren’t super significant. They don’t make a man change categories. They just make it so my mind has an easier time considering a man sexually even if I’m not super interested. Or the decreasing might make it so I have a slightly easier time getting over a man. My brain can conceive of it at the very least.

I’m going off on a tangent but I’m going to go with the tangent.

Here’s the main thing about attraction.

If I bond with a man my attraction to him will always increase ten fold. The more I bond with a man the harder it will be to conceive of losing him.

And the higher the initial attraction the easier it will be to bond with the man.

That’s why high attraction can be very dangerous.

I’ve been extremely lucky in that I’ve only ever experienced high attraction to very good men. In the sense that they were focused, driven, responsible and fair so even when it didn’t work out they made my life better before they left.

That’s the lottery I won.

By:

Jess lanai

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22 responses to “How to date part 7”

    • Thank you, don’t be happy for me yet though, we’ll see 😅 but at the very least I’ve been trying to date and I got to the point of really liking someone and us both mutually agreeing to spend more time together to see what happens.

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      • Yeah the annoying thing about dating and liking someone is that it is a two–way street and things can change along the way. But life is beautiful when there is attraction so go and enjoy it!

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      • I think I get nervous about not being able to tell what’s really going on. Getting too attached before it’s appropriate. I think I’m more meant to be in relationship and not really suited to this dating thing, because I am quite dependent and naive. But until I figure it out I’ve got no choice

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      • I get what you’re saying, I am the same. It all depends on luck but once you get past the exploration period, life will be good!

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  2. I myself am getting back on the horse after marrying young, having no kids and divorcing and being a single man/adult at the age of 29. Being single and getting back on the horse is easier when reading a good take like this give a perspective I deeply appreciate.
    Your blog has helped a ton on navigating this era of my life, I figured I’d finally comment on a post after reading enough of them.
    Id definitely love to pick your brain sometime!
    – J

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    • One thing I’ll say that I’ve noticed from trying to date is that divorced men have an advantage. My first boyfriend was divorced and then I went on a few dates with divorced men and they just have more skills dating.
      Having gone through a long term relationship is just quite an advantage.
      Dating can be brutal though and I don’t think I have any idea how brutal brutal can be because it is harder for men.
      I do honestly sometimes feel a bit queasy over worrying for men because there is a higher percentage of really vile women these days. Still of course the highest percentage is awesome women. But just the fact that the vile women percentage has increased means a lot more men will have very terrible experiences when dating is already harder for men.
      So I just recommend men really learn to identify those women and not take them seriously.
      For that I really like that Orion Tarabon dude, I think he’s very helpful for men. And I really like Dr. Alok Kanojia.
      Then guys like Arthur Brooks and Andrew Huberman too.
      Just people that like are really good at helping you protect your mind and motivation.
      And not get distracted by bad people

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  3. I really appreciate and always look forward to your posts, I’m newly divorced after marrying young and having no kids, and getting back on the dating wagon as a 29 year old man, after 5 years of dating/marriage. I’m certainly seeing a lot of similarities throughout your posts to how I approach situations and see romantic partners. I’ve read through enough posts to feel compelled to finally make an account and comment. These have been super an invaluable tool in trying date again. I seriously appreciate your insight and I’d really love to pick your brain sometime over other musing.

    -J

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      • Absolutely, I’ve already started tabs and videos on your recommended and using their fountain of knowledge to work though it. You’re absolutely right with it being a bit brutal. Being in my early 20’s I had to put aside a lot of myself for years to be the ‘model husband’, while feeling like losing bits of myself temporarily along the way. We were both the same age so I’ve even been wary of dating people my age and younger. Which I haven’t necessarily done explicitly but have always wanted to explore at least. Also, being younger and having the political/cultural views I do usually do not reflect the majority of people my age. People my age can be aggressively liberal or even just performative activists and I think I saw that the most during and post covid currently. Ive just have felt fatigued and plenty drained from the mindset of younger people. Especially when in the dating realm? Most are either uninformed, misinformed or apathetic and can’t carry a conversation about it. regardless, if you were a 29 year old freshly single man living in Alabama, where or how would you approach the situation of finding someone maybe 3-7years older? Between the gym, BJJ and home I don’t go out a crazy amount. I could be wrong but your advice has cleared up a lot of of the unknown I had been thinking.

        and as far as feedback, I’m really grateful I found your page!

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      • That’s helped me a lot just putting the right things in my brain with reading and podcasts from healthy perspectives. Especially healthy male perspectives. Things are pretty brutal on men right now. And with the liberal thing, a lot of guys get really taken by that over the top liberal thing too and it can be very depressing. So just listening to normal healthy successful dudes that are very rational and actually trying to solve real problems does help a lot.
        And the thing with marrying young is being young seems to be extra hard these days. You’re right a lot of people are so taken over that even having a conservation is hard. And I know when I was young I was a bit crazy, I definitely did not give my boyfriend back then as much respect as he deserved because I was too afraid to understand anything.
        Now I understand more because I’ve matured. But being immature sucks and is so hard.
        It’s just very hard being young. Don’t take it too seriously, I think you actually got more experience being married and having it not work out.
        I think it’s actually better to learn with one person than just dating a bunch of people.
        But the dating market is going to be very discouraging.
        It’s the doubt and fear that’s very hard to wrestle with. You really have to feed your motivation and take any doubt or fear as a learning experience.
        As far as if I was a freshly single 29 year old I wouldn’t lean too heavily into dating. I’d go on dates to practice more than to meet people.
        And by practice I mean practice getting a hold on my emotions and my wants and my needs. And also just practice talking to people and being uncomfortable. I’d read a lot and I’d practice flirting in public any time I found someone attractive.
        Just like subtle things like smile at them or look at them and then look away. And then maybe try to initiate conversation after I felt comfortable flirting with looks.
        Id be really easy on myself not expect too much of myself too quickly.
        I’d also work on being very healthy and happy. By eating very well and exercising a lot. Finding a hobby that makes me feel fulfilled and doing fun things with friends.
        And getting a routine that I not only have fun with but that makes me feel motivated and excited for my future.
        I’d super protect my morale basically.
        I think that’s what is most important. Protect your morale and your motivation and your excitement for life.
        And remember that you’re very young you could start a brand new career, you could date around for fun if you wanted to, you could travel for a bit if you wanted to.
        Being divorced at 29 is actually a pretty nice advantage. Most people will get divorced but they wait until they’re much older when it becomes harder to start over.
        You’re at an age where it’s very easy and actually natural to start over.

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      • Wow, that entire response is exactly what I needed this week. Hearing it from anyone but you especially, genuinely gives me a morale boost but everything you said is right. Now isn’t the time for me to cower away and push myself down, or try to minimize myself. I do currently have a career, (Im happy with at the moment and pays more than well enough with benefits. It allows me to travel and i do plan on possibly moving but right now? I think travel is in my cards, beyond trying to flirt or find someone to maybe just not hard ‘date’ at the moment but share time with in person or in general.

        I will say, I have learned a lot about relationships and the specific dynamics they require sometimes. But I feel much more comfortable knowing what to look for next. I fostered a sense of self and who i know i can be and have been as a husband. But I know now, with us divorced Im just happy to be able to even be discussing the finer point of this with you! Id legitimately get in trouble for talking to another women. So this freedom is almost Stockholm syndrome scary in a lighthearted way , if that makes any sense. I am certainly unused to having this much positivity at once.

        I was also always shamed for watching any sort of porn but was denied intimacy. So I had used the gym as an outlet, as I still do. But then it was ‘youre getting into better shape because youre cheating’

        In all, it has been the best decision and reading your blog has inspired me to pick up some writing again.

        I would like to find someone as a close friend,companion, whomever though for now. No pressure of a hard relationship but just
        commitment to learning the other person. I feel like I had mentioned, and you mentioned. The dating scene for younger people or at least mid 20’s to early 30’s has a pick me quality for social justice or just what’s cool to support. It’s a hard thing for me to swallow if someone can’t have their own views. It makes me want to try to date above my age instead of my age or younger.

        Either way, I always look forward to your posts and responses

        – J

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      • Honestly you sound like you have a lot of incredible advantages and being divorced might be the best thing that happened to you and you’ll probably have a blast. Just don’t let any bad dates you may have get you down.

        It’s actually fascinating to talk to men about some of this because it’s so foreign to me. Just some of the things men go through. I was just talking to an old male coworker who was telling me some horror stories.

        And the funny thing about it is I understand women so when they get all pissy I don’t really take them seriously. But men have to take it seriously. Which is horrifying.

        I can’t imagine having to take it seriously. It’s hard to explain what I mean. But like, example I guess would be a friend asks me to do favor and then gets all nitpicky on how I do the favor, I can be like, no. I’m doing you a favor shut up. And then she’ll get all pissy. But she’ll get over it because she has to.

        But if I had to cater to that pissiness I’d probably be in jail.

        Not saying men don’t have their stuff too. But it’s definitely easier to be a girl and like men than it is to be a guy and like women.

        And also, I’d say novelty is very good post breakup. So traveling is a good idea. The guy I was seeing is likely dumping me and I’ve got a trip lined up because it’s helped me in the past.

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      • I wholeheartedly agree, and look forward to what it brings. Any bad dates can just be funny stories for a later time.

        And I appreciate you saying so, if you have any questions yourself please always ask, I’d be lying to say I wouldn’t be happy for you to pick my brain over any topic. Beyond anything I’ve learned, I certainly have some horror stories myself. That at the very least provides some humor, but you’re right.

        And that’s extremely refreshing to hear, I’ve done and taken care of more than enough and heard about how I was doing it incorrectly or even ‘not the way she would’ but it would be done regardless.
        But even those day to day, instances of ‘you didn’t do this’ or ‘you did too much of this’ was perpetual unhappiness or pissy-ness that plagues people my age and younger. Having feelings and opinions are always okay, but I feel like there’s a lot of unhappiness with situations and not doing anything about it or blaming someone else for said situation or misfortune. (Note; I genuinely feel like those ultra-liberal dudes will absolutely accept that as normal and nontoxic)

        Men absolutely still have their stuff, but I agree. I have a great career, a good mindset about life, I have my health, and I’ve tried to make myself a well rounded man for my partner. But I swear when I dated I heard about my height before my interest in literature. So I definitely feel that.

        I couldn’t agree more, and really? I’m sorry to hear, I certainly could use recommendations on where to travel. If he’s dumping you then, that’s on him but I guess that means I get to read more of your articles which I’ll never be upset about quite frankly.

        – J

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      • I have to admit I would be curious about the horror stories. Just because I do see stuff on the internet and I do sort of assume guys are exaggerating for the internet. Like, I know girls can be crazy but are they really being that crazy?

        One thing about girls that I’ve slowly realized over time is they do sort of like, puzzle out loud. So like some stuff that sounds like criticism or complaining can just be them talking out loud.

        I’ve learned that’s not something that should be done with men. I go have lunch with a girlfriend when I need to do that.

        But it’s just stuff that doesn’t actually need to be taken seriously. I even remember my mom telling my dad once to ignore her when she’s upset because she just wants to be upset for a minute and it doesn’t concern him. 🤣

        But yes. The liberal thing has gotten pretty bad. I actually feel very bad for women with it. I know a lot of them seem so into it but they are really just at a torture level of insecurity.

        I’ve been insecure before almost even to that level and they don’t even know what they are saying. They don’t even know why they are upset. They’re almost just toddlers. You can’t take them seriously. Or talk to them with the expectation that they can be reasonable.

        There are a lot of women that get on about the height thing. I know some women that get on about it but it doesn’t end up mattering. Because the guys they’re dating are their height or in some cases shorter.

        So what women get on about and what they actually date is not often the same thing.

        We don’t always live in reality. Women I mean.

        But that’s why we get so like, insecure or upset because it can be very hard to tell what’s real and what we are making up in our heads.

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      • I definitely have some absolutely golden ones I that might just pique that curiosity. Id say it depends on the situations described, but at least in my case?
        It certainly was a matter of being taken advantage of or for granted, some are just wild stories with girls who definitely held back the crazy or more volatile aspects of their personality.
        I know that’s it’s not always the case, but even with marriage I definitely had some instances.

        You definitely hit the nail on the head. I feel that a lot of what gets put online be it, height requirements or political litmus tests—is just a shield for insecurity. It’s always easier to hide behind a checklist than to actually sit with the vulnerability of getting to know a real person, and it was easier for them to cling to that than who I was.

        As for the ‘puzzling out loud’ thing, that’s a brilliant way to put it. Once you realize a lot of the noise is processing out loud, it takes the pressure off. Though it definitely takes a certain level of maturity to realize that doesn’t always need to be dumped on a partner. But it definitely is something where even if I have certain issues, I’m there to be supportive, hard working and grounded husband. I know if it is a serious issue, all the space is given for that. But like you said, that’s a better way to communicate and I hope my next partner/wife communicates like that 🤣

        I couldn’t agree more, it’s popular and fun until there’s a need for responsibility and taking action towards issues. There’s a whole separate discussion you and I could have about that I’m sure, but I agree. Masculinity isn’t evil lol and I’m glad you see the same merit.

        That’s exactly how I’ve said it, they’re like toddlers. Just screaming and throwing a tantrum. Not even to come to a solution, just to have the room have a fit. There’s usually zero context or is based solely on emotional appeal rather than the stark reality of how the world works.

        It never mattered to me (which might be easy to say being I’ve never thought of what it’d be like if I was a shorter person) but I always have said I’ve spent time working on myself to be a well rounded man at the least, but height is what got me a response or date in the first place. I’m 6’4, so I’m not a giant but still fairly tall.

        I understand there’s a lot of having to imagine and mentally process having to pick a man that isn’t a bum but also have enough to their personality and life with stability, etc. but I have realized being consistent and reassuring has always helped when wanting to make the timeline feel authentic. If I am making any sense 🤣

        As far as horror stories, I can let some fly over the comments or I can email you them or however else if you wanted to continue to chat.
        Whatever works best and
        welcome back by the way, I’m always happy to see your replies.

        – J

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      • I’m definitely not going to pretend I can talk, I was very emotionally volatile. Or, I am emotionally volatile but now I know how to chill out.

        Lot of that just comes from not knowing how to communicate which is very, very, very hard to learn. I still will emote before I communicate sometimes. But I think it’s just a part of the woman brain. Like it is designed to identify the five hundred million different possible ways something could go wrong so we’re like, prepared for danger. So we do read into everything and assume everything.

        I can’t stop myself doing that, but I now do my best to make myself check with people before I let my assumptions get too far ahead of me. But it’s very hard.

        And yes, lots of women definitely are using all that as a shield for insecurity you’re totally right on that. Women have gotten a lot more afraid of being vulnerable with men. Which is definitely not natural. Men usually inspire vulnerability very naturally.

        Like being able to ask them for help, being able to express insecurity even or apprehension, men are great with that stuff. They’re very comforting on vulnerability. But for some bizarre reason women have gotten very defensive on stuff that I feel like we normally would be very chill on.

        Like, there’s this odd pressure now that I think has maybe been fabricated.

        It’s hard to explain what I’m trying to say, and it’s late where I am.

        I’ll have to answer this when I’m more awake 😅

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      • I totally understand that, and there’s more worth to being able to chill out, and self regulate.
        That sort self regulation is something that’s more rare to find in the dating scene and especially having your level of self awareness with knowing how you work emotionally.

        I completely understand with worrying and almost letting assumptions get the best, we are still all human after all. I know also, with the right person? You can get the reassurance and support you need. A husband/man/partner is supposed to be able to supply that seamlessly in my eyes at least, and be a catalyst for making their wife feel safe and stable.

        I totally agree and you’re absolutely right, there’s more of a trend where vulnerability with men and wanting to have that deep, heavy romantic connection but not wanting to either put in work or have the wrong idea of what it means to be a husband for your wife, vice versa.
        It’s a large reason I’ve looked to women not my age for the next partner. I crave that sense of wisdom and wanting to have that type of connection. Not ‘just seeing if it works’ maybe that’s just me, but I date to marry not to ‘just see’ an especially now.

        But you’re absolutely right, a secure and grounded man wants to be that safe space where you can actually drop the guard, and ask for help.
        Being able to just breathe without worrying about the fallout. Men are built (mostly) to handle and protect that vulnerability, not exploit it. My dad always taught me a strong man will always amplify the ‘magic’ of a woman. She already had the magic, but the right man makes her feel secure to not worry, and focus is put elsewhere. Maybe a career, kids, or both. That’s the least I can hope my presence or masculinity can when I get married next.

        But I look forward to hearing back, I appreciate you replying so late even. Take your time, enjoy your morning coffee. I’ll most likely be having mine as well. Looking forward to it, and more conversation.

        – J

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      • I think for sure some people are better at self regulating than others. I actually can be too good at it in a way that isn’t always good for a relationship. I think more of a balance than I have is probably better.

        But I have a different opinion on that matter than might be popular. I don’t believe it’s possible to get everything from one person. So part of the reason I’m so good at self regulating is that I’d actually prefer a partner that is less good at being reassuring.

        Because every strength comes with a weakness. In my experience I don’t particularly like the weaknesses that come with a person who is very good at being reassuring. Or perhaps more accurately I like the strengths that come along with a person that isn’t good at being reassuring.

        I could be totally wrong on this, I haven’t had a ton of experience. But I do notice the double edged swords in myself. A lot of the qualities I have people do like but people don’t realize what those qualities can cost.

        I just don’t expect one person to be everything. Especially in a romantic relationship there are things I need from a man. And there are things that I can tolerate and things I can’t tolerate.

        I’d like to balance between those. What I need and what I can tolerate. And because I’m very good at emotionally regulating myself it’s very easy for me to tolerate people that are bad at being reassuring.

        But being bad at being reassuring and actually just being an unstable person are two different things. Lots of men are good at being reassuring but they’re still unstable and their reassurance is actually bullshit. Or vice versa. Bad at it but they’re stable people.

        I think your dad gave you fantastic advice. I think I’m curious what that means for you though? Like I’m not always sure why men want partners. What’s nice about having a woman? I know what’s nice about having a man. But I don’t know really what men look for

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      • I know what you mean by that. I agree, I’ve learned that quiet stability or just consistent genuine stability is what I usually can bring to the table. And can be way more effective. Sure, I’ll do my best to give verbal reassurance but there’s a point where I’m not going to enable regression or not encourage growth. But even so I just try to be a stable and consistent partner. There can be a fine line between doing too much and not enough. I’m not always the best but I’ll always consistently emotionally show up, that can be a strength and weakness of its own. Being emotionally available is great but not having boundaries can cause issue.

        I’ve been told I was always good at listening and giving advice if I was asked, I know what I can bring and have brought to relationships, and just having someone with that same interest in functioning that way. I’m good at emotionally regulating as well, but I do always love and appreciate someone who lets me take the ‘armor’ off when at home or together. That’s special, I’d become a bit calloused when it came to life but softened with the right woman. Now not saying I become weaker, it just allows me to focus positive aspects seamlessly. That’s the magic of women to me.

        And I’ve run into that far too often, so I know what you mean by that. They say the right words but they hold no real weight from either experience or just trying to say the right words. Bullshit is easy to smell though when the chemistry and intentions are right though. People bullshit to take the easy road and not have to work through or try to attempt authenticity or an image of being stable. Men do that a lot, and it makes shit hard for me. Either way, it’s made me much more direct with my intentions and what I want in a relationship and from a woman, I know I’m decisive.

        And thank you, his birthday was the 21st and it’s been some years since he passed. But I learned a lot from him and he taught me what it meant to be a good, stable consistent and honest man. As well as making me want to be a father someday too if that plays out. So obviously intimacy and chemistry on that level is always not just nice but something special you have with your wife.

        What it means to me though? Almost anything can be done together. Having that feminine energy that I don’t have as a man but enjoy the presence of and can be powerful to me as man and to masculinity. Especially from someone who enjoys my presence as well. Things become more lively, life becomes absolutely fucking electric. I work harder, love bigger not because I couldn’t before. But it’s amplified.
        I also believe it shifts a lot for men depending on their age and what they want out of life.

        Whats nice is getting to drop the armor, getting to feel like I can truly be my unfiltered self around my wife. Not messy, or unstable or rude. But getting to build a life with someone who admires me the way I can admire them. Seeing each other’s strengths and helping encourage growth and happiness of course. If I’m talking specifically? I’ve mentioned before but I do mean it. Someone older than I am, honestly. I feel as though anytime I’ve talked to women older than me. In my eyes, always have had what I was missing. Strength, maturity and wisdom, and a sense of self. I don’t expect absolute flawless execution in those because we are all human still. But still.
        Having those, a sense of self, and wanting the same traditional future? Count me in.
        I’ve been starved of deep intellectual connection.
        I think it speaks the intelligence of the person, I love a woman whose intelligence, and wit shine. Someone who’s not afraid to be themselves in front of me, I’m not afraid to see all the parts. Having the initial looks to catch attention is one thing and important still, but mix that and intelligence and a dash of wit? Lord I’m sweating.
        We don’t have to be exactly the same, in fact I don’t think we should be exactly the same in every aspect.I think it’s healthy to have different interests and preferences of things. But morals, values, and views on politics? It’s nice and just better to keep them similar/same. Just from experience.

        So I’m more conservative, I’m not an extremist but I do have certain values that are more traditional and things I enjoy being as a man. I like the outdoors, I like doing things with my hands etc. I’m the type of man I want to support my wife, in whatever the hell she wants to do in life. I’ll work hard if I know it’s the right person. They’ll reciprocate with love, care, kindness, but also a perspective of someone who really does care. So when I do make a mistake? When they tell me,
        I know the true weight of it.

        Honestly? I just am ready for a wife, being old enough to actually know what I want, but knowing this time around what to look for. From the exciting to mundane. Having someone I don’t just tolerate, but really do genuinely love being around and wit wanting to acknowledge every facet of each other and it complementing each other.

        Not an exact blueprint but what at least from my personal perspective right now. I hope it’s some insight. I really enjoyed getting to write this, you really made me have to think deep and have to write a tangent of my own.

        – J

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