Jess lanai

I do go back and forth between having confidence and wondering if I’m totally insane.

I think at the moment I’m about ninety two percent insane and eight percent correct.

I could be wrong and have more like two percent sanity but one thing I do know for sure is that I am gaining percentages of sanity.

Over the next decades I might even gain enough percentage that I actually know what I’m talking about and can be considered a master and an expert.

Or, I could drown in my own insanity.

But the general goal is simply that I try to find reason.

By that I mean I don’t just indulge my own little fantasies of being a writer, I also try to provide some kind of value.

What is value? Do I mean I help people? Or give them advice?

No.

The value in writing is only one thing.

It’s the engagement.

Nothing else really actually matters.

It’s all about if I’m structuring information in a way that holds interest and clearly communicates.

Everything else is for me. What I want to write about, how I want to write, what point I want to get across, that’s all me indulging me.

There’s a bit of a balancing act between indulging myself and also making sure I’m not too far removed from people.

There’s a foundation of sorts to build. Where I want to be able to go inside myself and come to my own conclusions but then sort of check in with the world and make sure I’m not inventing everything in my head.

So I’ve got this method I’m trying out now.

Here’s my method. The idea of it is that I’m building the right foundation.

The foundation is meant for the future.

An example of life foundations are good habits. Like eating healthy and exercising.

Or practicing being more calm and communicative for the health of a future relationship.

I’m trying to build a way of working that gives me a better and easier time in my future.

That is my foundation.

For writing, it’s not something I see as an immediate career.

I see myself as being at ground zero and I can perhaps slowly build it up to something with time.

I also personally am not of the opinion that people should have the same careers their whole lives.

I’m turning thirty five this year and I feel like I’m starting over on everything.

I think it’s more natural. I think people should allow themselves more stages in life rather than thinking they should have everything figured out and situated by age thirty.

But that’s just my opinion.

I do however believe in foundations.

Foundations are kind of a pain in the ass. The best analogy I can think of is tennis.

One of my girlfriends and I got into an argument about tennis because I want more lessons and she wants less lessons.

I’m concerned I will develop bad habits in tennis that will make me worse at tennis later on.

She’s more of the mind that she’s learned enough to play and doesn’t want to overthink it.

Tennis is very frustrating. I can barely hit the damn ball because I have to pay so much attention to hitting the ball the correct way.

The easiest way for me to hit the ball is not the correct way to hit the ball. So I have to struggle to hit the ball at all ever so I can hit it properly.

In tennis I want to struggle to do it the right way now instead of allowing myself to just play my way.

But for writing I have the exact opposite approach.

I do not want to do it the right way. I do not want to know any of the rules. I want to create all my own methods and then let them crumble and have to unlearn them all later.

This is a bizarre method that is perhaps not advisable. But in this case the foundation I’m trying to protect is my problem solving mind.

I don’t want it to make assumptions on how things are supposed to go and what is supposed to be done in what way. I want it to work from its own experience.

So basically I’m going to charge out there, do whatever I feel and make a big mess of things. Then figure out how to clean it up and work backward from there.