Jess lanai

“Without being Bismarck, I’m capable, however, of recognizing falsehood and stupidity where I meet them. Lembke is falsehood, and Praskovya is stupidity. I’ve rarely met a more limp woman, and on top of that her legs are swollen, and on top of that she’s kind. What could be stupider than a stupid good soul?”

From ‘Demons’ by Fyodor Dostoevsky

I’ve done a lot of self improvement. The funny thing about self improvement is that it does a circle.

I’ve done all this effort to correct myself and pretty much just come out the other end exactly the same as when I started but more comfortable being the same.

I’m still obsessive and bitchy and hyper fixated and introverted but all to a more balanced degree which turned all those qualities into a positive rather than a negative, so I do recommend self improvement.

But,

Wait what was my point again?

Oh yes. My point is what happens when you think you’ve improved yourself so much and then you come up against the things that shrinks you back down to size?

Back to the place where you have to seriously consider that you might not be enough to get the things that you want.

Not even the things you want. But the things that feel primal to need. And lacking them is such an ancient terror that you lose control and control defaults back to basic instinct.

Personally, I remember that the thing to please in this world is not other people. It’s not morality or purpose.

The thing to please in this world is that. The thing that makes me lose all control.

It has to be taken care of or I will have no agency in my life.

I cannot go against myself to such a degree that I lose control of myself.

I’m being very abstract so I’ll try to get more practical with what I’m attempting to say.

When I’m put in a situation where I feel like I might not be enough with a friend, or a job, or a guy, I cannot ever do what I should do. I must always do what I can do.

Here’s three very good examples.

Number one: About a year ago I got into a fight with my best friend of over twenty years. To say that I loved her is an understatement.

The fight we got into I knew was headed in the direction of destroying our friendship. And I should have slammed it to a halt. And calmed her down before I even attempted to explain my side of things.

But that’s not what I was capable of.

We can temporarily make ourselves do a lot of things we aren’t actually capable of doing.

I could have done what I should have done. I actively chose to let go and be with what was real and I pushed forward.

What was real was that I’d reached my limit. I’d gone too far and I needed her help and understanding. Because I had no more help and understanding to give.

The friendship did end and it ended ugly and we never spoke again.

But I did learn to be more careful about expending too much energy. Because it does have a limit.

Number two: when I did the Mektoub film my part in the film was originally much different.

In the film I play a mostly retired actress and in the script I was meant to be desperate to get back into acting.

What I should have done was play my part the way it was written. Because I was very likely to get fired. The director had already fired several people.

But again I let go. Because I couldn’t act. Not really. I let myself be what I was.

Which was perhaps very charismatic and dramatic, but not an actor.

In that case it worked out for me and the director ended up changing the script to fit me.

Number three: men. Men are the most difficult. Because they’re wonderful and they make me want to do all the things I should do to just get one.

Just, whatever it takes. Do I need to be taller, shorter, skinnier, fatter, talk less, talk more, whatever it is I should do I’ll want to go to the should.

Around men I like I have to get very centered back into what I’m actually capable of.

Which can be very hard to do because it has to be acknowledged that sometimes we aren’t enough.

At the same time though, it’s very peaceful. Because I’m no longer trying to stretch myself into a thousand different possibilities.

The never ending of if I do this or I do that maybe that will happen type thinking.

Instead it’s one or the other. Am I capable or am I not?

I feel that out. Decide from there and then let the world react to what I’m capable of instead of trying to mold myself to the should of the world.

With my writing it’s a similar thing.

There’s what I’m striving for and what I should be to get there.

And then there’s where I’m really at.

I just have to be where I’m at. Do what I can. And let there be consequences.