Over the course of doing this blog and sharing my writing I’ve received rather horrifying insights that are worth sharing.
But before I got into that I’m going to go over what precisely an ego is. Not that I am an expert but it’s one of those things I’ve spent a decent amount of time both studying and contemplating from my own experience because it’s such a vague term that people throw around a lot and yet what it is is not clear.
Here is my technical understanding of the ego. It is a way to explain the relationship between our base instinct and desires and our place in the hierarchy.
For example if I want to murder someone because they do annoying things like be Canadian or think shape of water is a good movie, I might not murder them because I don’t want to lose all the societal status I have by going to jail.
Or on a less extreme scale I might really love Michael Jackson and think Blink 182 is annoying and none of the guys are hot, but because I want to relate to my friends and feel accepted I’ll pretend Blink 182 isn’t annoying and the guys are hot and never mention Michael Jackson. (actual dilemma of my teenaged years.)
The ego is the balancing act between this conflict. It’s strategy I develop to fit myself into the world.
Myself in this particular description is my base wants, interests and instincts. I wouldn’t say that stuff is my true self (that’s a debate for another time) it’s simply an aspect.
But it is an aspect that will often conflict with the aspect of me that is managing my environment.
For instance I can learn that something I want is going to be unacceptable in my environment so I can then modify it.
A fantastic example of this is trying to date.
I would like a boyfriend someday, because they’re nice to have and rather adorable, so I’ve been going on dates to hopefully meet a boyfriend.
My most base desire when I’m on a date with a stranger is to be entirely silent and shy.
But that is an ineffective strategy. So over time I’ve gotten better and better at talking. Now I’ve gotten so good at it that I’m quite charming and engaging and someone might even think I’m an extrovert.
Because I’ve put the effort into adjusting my base to my environment my ego’s strategy has changed.
Now I’m more naturally less shy. I am more confident and talkative and my base desires have shifted.
That is the essential job of the ego. This balancing act, these little modifications. It builds a sense of self that can function in both worlds.
That is my understanding of the ego from my own experience and study.
If I could follow my most base desires, the ones I have at this very moment, and I could summon exactly what I wanted this is what I would command from the world.
A husband that I truly adore. A modest writing career that affords me a decent income but without it ever getting too big or too demanding. So I could also have kids and spend a lot of time on cooking and baking.
That would be my wish.
But now let us return to reality.
I do not have a writing career nor do I have even a boyfriend.
I do not have control over when I meet a man that I truly adore nor do I have control over whether or not he likes me and wants to marry me.
I do not have control over whether or not I get a writing career. I can’t make people like my writing. Even if people do I can’t control how many of them do. If it is a large number or a small number.
What I have is a projection in my inner world that I can only attempt to move towards in the outer world.
The ego is here to balance me out so that when my wants become impossible or maladaptive, I can adjust them.
That’s not always what an ego ends up doing but that’s for another post.
There is a level of ineptness that needs no ego. A level of ineptness that needs all ego.
Then there is a level of skill that returns to its base and needs no ego.
It’s very difficult to explain what I mean with those statements but I’m going to try.
When I started out writing I had zero concept of the external world.
Just like getting into Michael Jackson music, I simply got drawn to it through who knows what. It was an interest and nothing more.
I had no identity with it.
But of course that meant that nothing I wrote made any sense at all.
It had absolutely zero value because it was unintelligible.
If I had stayed in that place that had only one world, my own internal world, I’d be insane. Actually insane because I’d go around doing what I wanted all the time and like, be in jail for murdering Canadians.
Instead I went through the natural phases and became awkward and insecure, and so afraid of rejection and failure that I avoided half my life and over worked into brokenness on the other half of my life.
It’s a stage of development. Caring too much, trying too hard, and being so wrong that all you have to do is the opposite to be right.
I did all that.
I think I’m in the next stage. Where the ego actually starts to get things right and some basic successes follow.
Enough successes where it can relax, we’ve become integrated enough and can move into ego death.
I’ll have to write more about this later, what I’m attempting to say is still fuzzy to me and it requires more writing and study to figure out.
I don’t actually hate Canadians. Just their French and their whiskey.
And shape of water competed in Venice with the first Mektoub and I’m still quite bitter.
But even if it hadn’t competed with Mektoub, it still sucks.
Jess lanai 