Jess lanai

One of the most terrible things about having done porn in this more modern age is actually not the porn part.

It’s the fact that in these modern times social media exists. And I was allowed to run my mouth to a large audience.

In my early twenties I was pretty, what’s the word, extreme maybe?

Opinionated? Pompous? Bitchy?

Unfiltered?

I said a lot of shit. And if there were consequences for what I said I just grabbed those consequences and shoved them up a bum.

I was very loud on a lot of things without having the skill to properly communicate or give real context.

Now I’m less of an idiot and can handle more complex matters with more grace.

Rape fantasies.

I get asked about them because I ran my damn mouth about them over a decade ago when I was in porn.

I’m sure I attempted to explain it back then as well and I’m sure I added a lot of unnecessary fuel to a lot of stupidity fires.

So I’m going to talk about it now. That I’m an adult. And somewhat responsible and adequately able to communicate and explain things from my perspective to another perspective.

First of all I will say that the rape fantasy is fairly common. I’ve talked to a lot of women about it. And I think it’s common because there are some basic mechanisms behind it that relieve a lot of the pressures on women.

One of the biggest pressures on women is to be bubbly. To be engaging and warm and pleasing. Which requires a lot of emotional labor.

I have seen the contrast between doing the emotional labor and not doing it.

If I do not appease a person’s ego to at least some degree there will be consequences.

On the other side of things the consequence of pleasing people is that it cost me my energy and my focus and my time.

Those are pretty precious resources. So often when I was younger and my energy was more erratic and therefore more wasted, I had less resources to give and I opted to just being a super bitch to most people unless I happened to really like the people.

Most people would call that ‘being authentic’ but ‘being authentic’ certainly had its consequences.

The pressure to be pleasing isn’t a result of a patriarchy or any kind of hierarchy conditioning or anything like that that has any victims.

It’s just a result of interacting with people.

We are social creatures. Being social is labor intensive. It requires building trust and rapport and playfulness and respect and admiration, all these things.

And there are varying degrees of maturity and ego to tangle with. The more immature and trapped in one ego identity a person is the more emotional labor they cost.

Plus the more consequences they will bring you if you make them feel rejected or threatened.

The main difference I’ve noticed between men and women on this is that women will feel more pressure to fan egos to stay in the safe zone where they aren’t offending anyone and therefore incurring the consequences.

If you notice women do compliment each other a lot. This is why. We are staying in the safe zone where we can’t offend anyone. And therefore will attract less negative attention.

For whatever reason we feel that pressure to please more than men. I’ve heard many theories on why this is.

It’s a fawning response to danger.

More agreeableness is expected of women.

Women are simply naturally better at reading and tending to emotions and pleasing people is a side of effect of it.

So on and so forth.

My point is simply that it’s well documented to be true.

Women do a lot more emotional labor to make people feel liked, admired, respected. We spend a lot of time forcing smiles and forcing ourselves to laugh and look happy. Look comfortable even if we aren’t comfortable.

We spend a lot of effort and time attuning ourselves to everyone and giving them the response they want.

Relationships with men can be triple this work. Men can need a lot of reassurance.

In sex men might want a lot of emoting and telling them how good things feel and that they’re doing a good job.

They want a lot of emotional labor.

Is this bad? No, it’s not bad.

But when I was younger it was more overwhelming.

Especially since I was incredibly shy. So shy that I was nearly mute.

If I could have stayed in my comfort zone I’d have remained mostly mute and blank in my expression.

Never having to go to the trouble to express or communicate my feelings.

Not even in sex. If left in my comfort zone I’d have loved to lie there like a dead fish not needing to express myself. Not needing to make sure the other person was assured that I was having a good time.

If I could have I’d have done away with all that emotional labor that for me was extra difficult under my shyness.

Enter the rape fantasy.

The idea of being extremely attracted to man and not having to act at all. Not having to show interest. Not having to reassure. Not having to smile or be bubbly.

Of even being able to run and resist and be unpleasant and the man will still simply make it happen.

That is the mechanism behind the rape fantasy.

It is very immature.

It’s from being inept and lacking confidence and wanting to put all the responsibility on the man.

In the rape fantasy the man is extremely attractive, and adept and simply will take what he wants from us and we can just lie there without having to think or act or communicate.

It is extremely juvenile.

But of course I still love the idea of a very dominant man but that’s also something that gets developed in a relationship.

It’s when the emotional labor of communication and assurance actually really pays off.

Because a rapport has been built with a single man who has been given complete confidence and full understanding to do as he wants.

It’s not a fantasy it’s real trust that has been developed and it allows the man to be fully dominate.

But that takes effort and time and communication and commitment.

Having juvenile fantasies means to basically write all that effort and time and emotional labor out and just get right to the part where something comes along and fixes everything.

There may of course be other reasons for other women behind their rape fantasies but I know these are the mechanisms for me and for probably a good portion of women like me.

There’s a lot of freedom in being able to resist.

Women spend most of their time trying to reassure people’s egos. On walking around the eggshells of egos.

Being so pleasing is a defense mechanisms for a lot of women.

So the idea that we can fight, and scratch and run and say mean things without deterring a man we’re attracted to does offer some freedom.

The rape fantasy isn’t about actual rape it’s just about that freedom to not have to work so hard to please.

The freedom to resist means we also can get a little rough. We don’t have to watch our words or how we come off or our lighten up our tone, or be less bitchy or be more smiley.

We can remove all the pressure and get a bit more wild ourselves.

Hopefully I have explained this for it to make some sense. I’m not honestly sure. But I can’t put too much effort into these blogs because they are just for fun at the moment.

So if I go any farther I’ll be expending too much time and effort on something silly.

I’m done for the moment.