I have no idea what I’ve said in the other parts eleven parts of my porn psychology posts.
I’d be afraid to go back and look. Because I’m sure I’ve said a lot of things that I have now changed my mind on and it’s very possible I look like a flakey lunatic.
Women in general (I’m generalizing) can be flakey lunatics. But there’s a very clever reason for it. (More on that later)
When I started writing on this blog my mind was in a very different place. It was using different parts to think than the parts it’s using now.
I guess it’s incorrect to say it was using different parts. It was using the same parts but those parts were being disrupted.
If you’ve read my ASMR posts you’ll know that there is a part of our brain called the middle frontal gyrus and when it is disrupted we become more rational.
Being more rational means to be more in top down mode. More in cognitive thought. More aware of consequences.
When I’m more aware of consequences my focus gets pulled away from other things like motivation. Or desire. Or genuine interest.
I’m instead trying to behave in the safest way and trying to think in the safest way.
By safest I mean the way that is most likely to get me accepted.
I will lock onto the thought patterns that are most popular by the people whose acceptance I most want.
Whose acceptance do I most want?
Men I’d be interested in.
Who are those men? Well. This might be offensive but they are generally not men that identify as feminist or liberal or accepting of porn.
They tend to be more in the Conservative areas. Because at the moment there are more hot men there.
Again this is a generalization.
I’m not putting people in a box. Human beings are complex no one thing is true. Lots of incredibly hot men are accepting of all sorts of things. But they are usually more complex people and maybe a bit rarer.
Thus. Fear does simplify certain things and make generalizations more important than individual complexity.
I’m starting to walk towards the cliff of abstract so I’m going to back up.
When I first started this blog I had just come off of the Mektoub premiere in Paris where I was instructed not to talk about the fact that I did porn in my interviews.
Which was off putting to me. Because when people aren’t allowed to ask questions they find their own answers.
So it inspired me to have some answers. Some completely honest answers. I was completely honest but I also ashamed.
I was ashamed because I thought of porn from my weakest place. My most vulnerable place that is. Which is the place that would really like a husband and is afraid it will never get one because it hasn’t yet.
So there’s a lot of disruption there. I fear the social consequences.
I came to talking about porn from a place of looking for acceptance and even forgiveness.
I’ve changed my mind now. I’ve gotten a bit more confident so I’m less disrupted.
I still would never advise anyone to do porn. I still think as a general rule it is not good for people. I think it’s especially not good for women.
But.
Neither is doing everything you should do.
What I’m trying to say is complicated and I’m not sure how to say it and I have to go do life stuff now so I’ll leave it here.
Jess lanai 