I have no idea what I’ve said in the other parts eleven parts of my porn psychology posts.
I’d be afraid to go back and look. Because I’m sure I’ve said a lot of things that I have now changed my mind on and it’s very possible I look like a flakey lunatic.
Women in general (I’m generalizing) can be flakey lunatics. But there’s a very clever reason for it. (More on that later)
When I started writing on this blog my mind was in a very different place. It was using different parts to think than the parts it’s using now.
I guess it’s incorrect to say it was using different parts. It was using the same parts but those parts were being disrupted.
If you’ve read my ASMR posts you’ll know that there is a part of our brain called the middle frontal gyrus and when it is disrupted we become more rational.
Being more rational means to be more in top down mode. More in cognitive thought. More aware of consequences.
When I’m more aware of consequences my focus gets pulled away from other things like motivation. Or desire. Or genuine interest.
I’m instead trying to behave in the safest way and trying to think in the safest way.
By safest I mean the way that is most likely to get me accepted.
I will lock onto the thought patterns that are most popular by the people whose acceptance I most want.
Whose acceptance do I most want?
Men I’d be interested in.
Who are those men? Well. This might be offensive but they are generally not men that identify as feminist or liberal or accepting of porn.
They tend to be more in the Conservative areas. Because at the moment there are more hot men there.
Again this is a generalization.
I’m not putting people in a box. Human beings are complex no one thing is true. Lots of incredibly hot men are accepting of all sorts of things. But they are usually more complex people and maybe a bit rarer.
Thus. Fear does simplify certain things and make generalizations more important than individual complexity.
I’m starting to walk towards the cliff of abstract so I’m going to back up.
When I first started this blog I had just come off of the Mektoub premiere in Paris where I was instructed not to talk about the fact that I did porn in my interviews.
Which was off putting to me. Because when people aren’t allowed to ask questions they find their own answers.
So it inspired me to have some answers. Some completely honest answers. I was completely honest but I also ashamed.
I was ashamed because I thought of porn from my weakest place. My most vulnerable place that is. Which is the place that would really like a husband and is afraid it will never get one because it hasn’t yet.
So there’s a lot of disruption there. I fear the social consequences.
I came to talking about porn from a place of looking for acceptance and even forgiveness.
I’ve changed my mind now. I’ve gotten a bit more confident so I’m less disrupted.
I still would never advise anyone to do porn. I still think as a general rule it is not good for people. I think it’s especially not good for women.
But.
Neither is doing everything you should do.
What I’m trying to say is complicated and I’m not sure how to say it and I have to go do life stuff now so I’ll leave it here.
Jess lanai 
6 responses to “Porn psychology part 12”
Ok. I’ve gotta respond to this post. I just responded on two others, so please don’t think I’m a stalker or anything like that.
I think you’re mixing two totally separate aspects of a relationship here (Everyday life including family and career and sex). It’s possible that the two can be totally separate. In fact, it often is.
From my experience, and yes, it’ll piss off some people too…is that many conservative men are racist and afraid of a strong woman. Many so called “Christian” men sire the Bible to ensure that women maintain their “place” in society. I for one am NOT afraid of a strong woman. However, in my sex life, I prefer a submissive woman. I like to be totally in charge in the bedroom. While in life, we’re equal partners. It’s us two against the world. Best friends etc. So the way I see it, both can be true at the same time, not just one or the other. A man can be both masculine and sensitive.
Maybe you’re referring to being attracted to a “strong dominant” man? Not a wimpy snowflake? That’s completely understandable. It’s your choice, as it should be. But if he’s a racist or misogynist, that should be a deal breaker for any smart confident woman. Someday, you’ll be old and appreciate a strong sensitive man.
Just my opinion. Don’t hate 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am generalizing. There are extremes on both sides and lots of people that are more just balanced on both sides but lean one way or another.
I’m referring being attracted to men that are dominant. Dominate means I don’t have to boss or check or nag. The man has the final say. He’s the family boss at the end of the day.
I’ve met lots of men that want to have the final say and be family boss but can’t be trusted to not just indulge their egos.
They’re just power tripping every five seconds.
Those types can tend to be conservative extreme types.
But they are so insanely easy to manipulate.
On the flip side of the extreme is the man that likes strong women too much. Ive dealt with these at work. They are even more insufferable because they basically just let me handle fucking everything. They do tend to be liberal or sensitive or talk about being feminists and all that.
And not only is it exhausting it’s just no benefit at all to it.
It’s basically pointless.
So gun to my head I’m choosing the man with the ego even if he’s misogynistic.
Being a man’s slave is easier than being a man’s mother.
This might offend people too.
And I’ll add that I still can’t stand those ego guys and I’d rather be single.
But in a choice between two extremes the misogynistic bigot is still preferable to the one that kisses my ass but makes no decisions at all.
LikeLike
I completely agree with what you’re saying, especially in regard to not wanting to be someone’s mother. It seems as though we’re both talking of the extremes.
I guess my main point was that someone that misogynist is not strong, in fact, they are weak and insecure. Why else would someone need to categorize others as something “less” than they are unless they themselves are insecure? But dominant, is a different thing altogether. And your preference for a dominant partner makes complete sense in the context you put it.
After reading a few more of your posts, I’ve come to believe that one of your strongest positive traits is your immense amount of self-awareness. It’s off the charts! And while that’s a great thing. I think it could also account for why you are always trying to make others happy. While I don’t know you all that well, you seem to have a strong sense of self awareness and I sense a small dose of empathy too 🙂 These are both traits of a beautiful human being, which you seem to be.
My concern with a misogynist is they would try to control you and you would lose yourself. But maybe I should give you more credit than that.
I never really thought about the “authenticity ” I mentioned earlier could’ve actually been the result of being “impulsive “. I never connected the two until you pointed it out. Thanks!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes definitely talking extremes and I don’t think people are extreme unless they are a little messed up. Like they are still a bit young or immature or they got emotionally stunted.
Most fully developed human beings are complex and varied and they don’t fit into any one box and that’s what I look for in a partner.
And you’re right a misogynist is not strong. I don’t think misogynists really are getting girlfriends these days though. I think they’ve become the angry men that aren’t getting dates.
Even the extreme on that side though does have some things more right than the other extreme does is I guess what my point is.
You’re giving me very nice compliments and I appreciate it but you should keep in mind that I have matured a lot. If I didn’t have self awareness I’d have been doomed. I was very hard to deal with at points in my life. Self awareness is how I adjusted myself.
I’ve actually met a lot of people with my personality type that have a very high degree of self awareness as well. So I think it comes with this personality package 🤣.
The older I get the more empathetic and understanding I get. I definitely feel some guilt in how I’ve treated people in the past. So it’s partially from that as well.
LikeLike
The difference between a misogynist and a male-feminist, from my own experience are:
* A misogynist will allow you to do only the things that he wants you to do
* A male-feminist lets you decide how much you want to do, he will pick up the rest
* To change a misogynist’s mind about you is very difficult; you have to fight constantly and that can get tiring after a while
* To change a male-feminist’s mind is easy; you simply tells him what you want to do and that he should do the rest
Remember that men are just boys with more muscles and more money in their pockets. They don’t know anything unless you teach them what they need to know. And mysogynists are thick skulls; they are hard to train. Male-feminists are much more receptive to what you tell them.
I don’t expect everyone to agree with me but I am open to discussions.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can see this, I think you’re totally right. But that’s what women most don’t want to deal with a lot of the time.
I know that men don’t know a lot and there’s a lot of communication that has to happen. But most women don’t want a man that will just go along with us.
I want a man that is firm enough to tell me to shut up on some things that says no you’re wrong, we’re not doing it that way.
I don’t want to decide how everything is done. Lots of women don’t because it adds a lot of pressure.
We do (women for the most part) want the men to deal with that pressure.
The decision making pressure.
And yes there are a lot of pig headed misogynistic men out there that just do not like women but act like they are making the decisions.
But there’s also a lot of feminist men that act like they’re just ‘listening’ or being trainable or however you want to call it, when really they are just removing the pressure of decision making and putting it on the women.
Most of us do not want that. Some do, but most don’t.
We want the energy and the time to focus on contributing to the big picture and making the big picture happen.
We don’t want to be the ones deciding the big picture though.
LikeLiked by 1 person