This post might get weird. We’ll see. I’m going to say things I haven’t talked to anyone about, which means they are abstract and muddled. Perhaps offensive.
One of the most fantastic things about writing and having this blog is I can, in a way, carefully craft my more insane thoughts to make them more digestible.
To translate that I mean I can be more myself without getting fully thrown out of the social circle.
Which, to me, is the general aim of most creative or artistic endeavors.
I’ve just finished the ASMR posts and it involved a lot of rereading all of my old notes on my ASMR research to do so.
Most of my notes went over things like ‘attentional resources’ and ‘top down’ and ‘vigilance theory’ and such terms that describe the limit of our focus and attention.
And the things that use up our limits and cause psychological stress. Then the things that restore attentional resources and therefore reduce psychological stress.
What is psychological stress?
Overwhelm. Depression. Anxiety. Irritability. Trouble focusing.
If I were to try to describe psychological stress from my own perspective I’d say it feels like running.
Like running as fast as I possibly can.
Not to get anywhere.
Just to stay in place.
Its a high pressure feeling of vigilance just to keep surviving.
The complete exhaustion of focus, attention and ultimately of hope.
I’ve caused a lot of my own psychological stress throughout my life.
Because I tend to be obsessive. I overthink and I’m extremely introverted.
To me introverted means social situations very easily cause me a lot of psychological stress. Because I’m extra vigilant. Why am I extra vigilant?
Because I feel a pressure to be warm, smiley and bubbly which takes up a lot of my focus, energy and most certainly adds on extra time to interact with people I don’t particularly want to interact with.
In social situations I’m very easily depleted.
As I’ve grown up and gained social skills and confidence I’ve found polite ways around avoiding people I don’t want to talk to and I know how to exit conversations easier and keep people on point so they don’t waste my time.
This frees up a lot of my attentional resources and I’m less stressed by even large amounts of social interaction with strangers.
I’ve also started to get a wee bit of a handle over my obsessiveness and my over thinking. Enough of a handle that I’m less irritable and more pleasant to be around.
But all of this still requires focus and energy just to lower my focus and energy. I have to spend effort to calm myself down.
I’m getting to my point now.
There’s been a few moments in my life where I’ve felt free.
Where there is no strain on my focus or my cognition. Where everything has been restored and yet I still don’t need to use it.
It’s just free. I don’t need to spend my focus on anything, I can just let it float.
And that is in the presence of a man I’m truly into.
A man that brings out my bubbly side for real instead of making me muster up the energy to fake it to avoid hurting egos.
Or even if it’s not a man I’m interested in. It is just a very good man and very capable man that has no sexual interest in me but cares for me and will protect me.
Masculinity is powerful.
The weight it can take off the mind is incredible and I’ve gone without its help for a while.
Which means I’ve learned ways to lighten my own load on my mind and my attention.
I’ve learned that I can complicate things and how to simplify them. I’ve learned how to regulate my emotions in such a way that needless energy isn’t wasted. I’ve learned how to put effort into relaxing and letting things be instead of the extra effort put into trying to control them.
All this makes me a much more pleasant person to be around.
I’ll have to do a part two to this at some point. It is time for bed.
Jess lanai 