One of the most dangerous things about having done porn is that it puts people in a thought pattern that is very hard to escape.
I think I’ve mentioned this before but porn comes with a lot of reflections.
When someone insults me or compliments me I get little insights into how another human being sees me. That creates little reflections of myself from different angles and different perceptions.
I become more aware of how I’m coming off to other people in a way. I’m sure social media has this effect as well.
Becoming more aware of myself can be useful but it’s only useful with enemies.
It damages everything else.
I’m going to be very abstract and vague and weird with this post. Because being logical and structured requires more time and effort that I’m not going to give right now.
Back to the point.
Doing porn and constantly seeing all those people mirrors showing all the desirable angles and all the ugly angles can be very bad for the psyche.
Because it becomes very easy to start using the mirrors to think. To develop my behavior around the result of the mirrors.
I was a very impulsive person. So my porn life wasn’t really based on mirrors I was just a little lighting bolt.
Just striking whatever would conduct me without much thought or consideration.
It was when I quit porn that I felt the effects of the mirror.
The mirror of wanting a boyfriend and yet having done porn.
I’ve gotten trapped in that reflection for years. Of how to make myself look like a girlfriend. Of how to make up for having done porn.
I have shaped my thoughts and my behaviors around it.
I’ve tried to edit out the things that might get a bad reflection from a man.
I don’t mean working on myself. Working on myself is natural. I have tendencies that are a bit too extreme and need some balancing.
I mean that I spent too much time thinking of myself from the worst angle or the worst perception and trying to defend against it.
This happens to a lot of women.
The most recent man I really liked I’m still getting over.
He sort of fell from the sky out of nowhere and I was so into him that I thought god was giving me a present.
I’d just come back from seeing Mektoub for the first time in Locarno Switzerland and I was feeling pretty free.
Because I had no men I liked and I was very good with that. Not liking men can be a relief.
No men. No mirrors.
Then of course God or the universe or what have you dropped the exact type of man I go crazy for right into my lap and knocked me into obsession.
Speaking of Mektoub.
That was one of the best things about doing Mektoub.
The best thing about working for Abdellatif Kechiche.
There were no mirrors.
He smashed them all.
He didn’t let us see how to behave. He helped us get to the place where we were so present that we were not aware of ourselves.
At least I was not.
I was not self conscious in that film (which, if you watch it you’ll see is pretty obvious)
I was being incredibly genuine.
I was into the movie and the moment and my fellow actors. I was contributing.
I didn’t need to be aware of myself.
Which is exactly how I now know when I’m in a good environment and doing something I should be doing.
What was my point?
Jess lanai 