Jess lanai

A large portion of the reason this blog is so addictive is because it helps me be able to see two dots at the same time.

I have certain dots in my brain.

These dots have been suspended in isolation for quite some time.

In last year or two these dots have stopped being so isolated. There seems to be things around them.

Little unmarked trails from one dot to the next dot. There’s vague connection between some of my dots now.

When dots connect things that used to be very hard become a lot easier.

Eventually they might even become easy enough that I can even function properly in life.

Be one of those properly functioning people that everyone looks at and goes ‘wow, that person is a fully functioning adult.’

What does it mean to be able to function properly? I don’t think many people know. I think it’s a much smaller percentage of human beings that know how to function.

The larger percent of us are battling chaos.

Trying to write is a big massive glob of rotting potential. I’ve spent most of my time writing just creating clutter.

When there is a lot of clutter it becomes very hard to find specific things.

When it’s very hard to find specific things simple things get more complex. There’s more steps to go through. More and more time is lost for less and less reward.

That is how chaos is created.

When chaos is created everything becomes an isolated event.

Finding my car keys can become its own individual side quest.

When small insignificant things become complex and significant it creates very large gaps between points.

So what I acquire ends up being an ever expanding todo list.

I’m not sure if what I’m saying is making sense so I’ll use writing as example.

Let’s say I have two dots. Dot number one is I get a book idea and I start to free write it.

Dot number two would be to take that first free written draft and edit it into a second draft.

So these two dots should connect. Free writing should connect into editing.

But with a chaos demon instead of connecting they will isolate.

I edit and my nonsense becomes even more nonsensical. And worse than that, I’ll like my original nonsense and hate my edited nonsense. So I’ll try to get the original nonsense back. But oh. I deleted it or! I can’t remember where I copy and pasted it to.

Eventually I give up.

I create a new dot one with a new project.

So you can see how easy it becomes to keep collecting dots. Random dots that don’t connect to anything or really serve much of a purpose other than the fact that they are a ‘potential’ to be saved for another day.

This ‘dot problem’ I had in my brain translated in the physical world as well.

I’ll use my avoidance of mail as an example.

At one point in my life ( this was a long time ago so don’t judge me too harshly) Every time I received a piece of mail, I’d look at it and make a little mental note of how important it was or wasn’t.

I’d register if it was junk mail or a past due notice mail. I’d mentally acknowledge whether I should keep it or throw away.

Then I’d add it to my mail pile.

Or, one of my mail piles.

I had several different piles of mail.

Then, perhaps a month of two later when my power had been shut off because I forgot to pay the bill, I’d spend about half a day in tears going through every piece of mail trying to find the piece of mail I needed that had my account number on it.

Anyone reading this might think, ‘wow, easiest solution in the world. Just throw away the mail you don’t need or just pay your bill when you get it.’

But this is how the chaos demon becomes so powerful. The reason I kept tossing mail into ever building piles was because I was already panicking about something else.

Or resting from panicking about something.

I had a ton of isolated problems that just kept accumulating.

Plus I was a cigarette smoker. Which is one of the worst things to give a chaos demon.

Because when I was panicking I could go chain smoke to express my panic instead of expressing my panic with some sort of action that might actually find a solution.

One of the best books I ever read was ‘A manual for writers of research papers, theses, and dissertations’ by Kate l. Turabian

It introduced me to the concept of getting from A to B. But it introduced it to me in a way that made me realize I always knew how to get from A to B. I simply thought I was wrong.

I thought the way I wanted to do things was wrong and I needed to learn how to do things the right way.

I thought the right way was linear.

First draft book, then second. Then third. Then finish.

That the way to function in reality was the straight line.

But learning is not linear.

It’s messy and chaotic.

It zigzags back and forth between several different dots until it creates little patterns.

The research book talked about how to form a loose little ideas to investigate for evidence and then continually go back and forth between internal theories and real facts.

How to simply bounce around from thinking to studying to feedback, to confidence to doubt. To certainty to uncertainty. From having a plan to not having a plan.

When I figured out how to bounce around like that everything became so connected that I could design a pattern for my chaos demon.

For example one of the most effective things I learned was how to index my notes. Through some trial and error I designed a way to immediately find any note I needed at any time.

Which is like being able to find your car keys by snapping your fingers. No side quests.

When there’s no side quests and I can just find my notes it allows me to go back and forth very quickly between idea and effect.

Instead of getting isolated in one point I can go back and forth.

Or up and down or side to side. Or I can even just spiral outward.

But it’s very hard to just go in a straight line. Because figuring out how to operate in myself and in the world is not an easy thing.

It’s not linear.

If a teacher tries to teach me how to read I can either try to understand it from my own inner perspective or I can simply try to identify and copy the teacher. It’s very hard to do both things.

There’s a lot of bouncing.

Even if a coach is trying to demonstrate to me how to properly swing my tennis racket so the ball actually goes where I want it to go (I recently started taking tennis lessons and I’m so incredibly terrible at tennis. I think the coach wants to fire me) it is a struggle to relate to what he is saying.

Just like it is a struggle for him to try to relate it in a way for me to understand.

We each have like, our own world that we live in and then we have to try to understand other people’s worlds and translate our own worlds.

It’s like an alternate reality type thing. We don’t have the same laws.

That’s why we have chaos demons. They don’t have to be linear. They can bounce. They can go sideways. Up and down. Or even do everything at once.

This blog is an excellent learning tool because it gives me a way to see my internal thoughts put out into the real world. I can see how they look in the real world.

It gives me the opportunity to get feedback.

It gives me a way to categorize and organize and basically perfectly index notes like I did with all my notebooks.

Which means someday if I decide I want write a book on a subject I’ve already touched on I can come back here and find everything in an instant.

I can bounce right through what I’ve already written and feedback I’ve already received and mistakes I’ve already made.

I did used to be extremely disorganized, incredibly messy and I did waste most of my energy on the most basic tasks.

Now I’m average, maybe slightly above average, on my organizational skills. I’m a freaking clean person. (No one that knew me in the past would believe that) and I still waste quite a bit of energy on basis tasks but I am starting to learn how to not do that too.

It involves actually moving slower, having less emotion and actually being less efficient but I’ll talk about that on another post.

It is time for bed.