This blog is not meant to be a product.
It’s meant to be practice.
Collaborative practice.
That is the value of this blog that people might want to help me by giving me feedback. But not just on my writing.
When I share something and someone gives me feedback from their own ideas or opinions on a subject matter that subject matter becomes collaborative.
The tricky thing about getting feedback is it can be very difficult to get genuine feedback.
People put their thoughts through a lot of filters before they share them. Which isn’t a bad thing.
Everything has to go through some kind of social filter just to be properly understood.
But there are two particular filters I like to try to get around.
One is the polite filter. I don’t want people to worry too much about being polite.
Because polite can be very constraining on a real thought or feeling.
If I try to describe someone to identify them and I say ‘the bigger brunette lady’ but in my head I was thinking ‘that really fat bitch’ I’m filtering out a lot of my initial impulsive reactions to be polite.
But the initial more impulsive reaction is the valuable feedback. The polite version doesn’t really contribute a whole lot of information.
People sometimes aren’t even necessarily always trying hard to be polite. There’s a guilt that can come from the first impulsive thoughts. So that they kind of get shut down.
Also not necessarily a bad thing but when you are attempting to give feedback to people on anything that is looking for a real result, those first impulsive thoughts are valuable.
Why?
Because it’s a collaboration. What a person really feels beneath all the filters matters.
The other filter I want to get around is insecurity.
So many things get filtered through insecurity. How I see something, how I react to something, how I think about something and how I respond to something can all be filtered through insecurity.
It’s very hard to have a real conversation about anything when insecurity is removing most of the information.
It’s also extremely hard to get around insecurity. To take insecurity off and not use it so much.
Because insecurity isn’t bad. It has a very good purpose.
If you let them get too hungry people can be wolves.
There’s good reason to be insecure. If I find enemies, which of course I will, a lot of my weaknesses and failings will be used against me.
For example one of my bigger insecurities is that I used to do porn.
I’m not ashamed I did porn, doing porn gave me a lot.
But in general awareness, generally speaking by most social standings porn is going to be looked down upon. It’ll be a point against me and my character.
People have on some occasions attempted to use porn against me.
Because of my insecurity around porn I have a few extra little measures I can take. Aspects of my personality that weren’t created by the insecurity but definitely were reinforced and strengthened by the insecurity.
For one I lean more heavily on developing trust in the people.
Which means I will go the extra mile. I make sure I do absolutely everything I say. I never lie. Not even small lies. I’m fully honest. I always go a bit above and beyond. I am hyper vigilant when it comes to pleasing people.
I usually know what they want before they know what they want.
A portion of that behavior is an overcompensation for my insecurity around porn.
It’s a strategy built around show casing my worth so I’m not so easily expended.
It’s a way I protect my reputation against people that might try to assassinate it.
Not to say that I was consciously aware of this. I’ve realized it over time of doing too much for people and the consequences that come from doing too much for people.
I’ve reconfigured it and I feel a lot more secure now so I’m more balanced.
But the unconscious method my insecurity created was pretty effective. It had a purpose and a reason. It did aid in protecting me in a lot of more delicate scenarios.
Insecurity can be a very useful filter.
What is the right metric?
What is there to be insecure about?
If I’m insecure about something how do I know it’s real?
What is insecurity first of all?
I’m not some sort of psychiatrist. (I think psychiatrists are creepy) but I have worked through a few of my insecurities so I do think I know what they are.
A lot of the time I’m able to figure out at which point an insecurity is useful and at which point an insecurity is detrimental.
My insecurities around writing this blog for example, what are they?
When I get very anxious about it what is it I’m getting anxious about?
What is the very worst thing thst could happen from posting my blogs?
People think I’m stupid? Eh. That stings a bit but I can live with that.
I risk more exposure? To the people that don’t know I did porn finding out? Eh. They wouldn’t care at all.
Someone I really like or care about could read it and think I’m stupid? Get cringed out by me and slowly distance themselves from me?
Ah. There we go. That one hurt a lot. That’s what it is.
Now that I know where the weak point is how worth is it to continue to try to be a writer?
Well. I’m a bit addicted to writing and sharing the writing at this point. But I could do that anonymously. I don’t have to put my name to it.
But then, how useful is this insecurity that I have? Does it have any point? Or is it just hanging around not really doing anything of value and preventing me from doing something I like to do?
Maybe I’m a bit too focused on pleasing people still and it’d be useful to build up more of a tolerance to not pleasing them.
I went through my thought process just to demonstrate the sort of insecurity filter I’m trying to get around with people.
In any type of collaboration whether it’s something creative or an intimate relationship insecurity is a filter to get around.
Because insecurity can filter out the first impulses. Which again, not a bad thing. Impulses should be filtered.
But those first impulses have all the information.
The information on what is actually driving interest or a desire or a fear or a repulsion.
They are the things to share in creative collaboration (creative doesn’t always mean art. To me it also means science, or engineering or basically anything that requires problem solving thought) and the things to share in intimate relationships.
It’s been tough to write this blog because I don’t have a lot of time.
I do get hit with insecurity and a bit of anxiety as well. But that’s just always how writing is.
I’m out of time now.
Jess lanai 