I’ve recently began to rethink my entire way of thinking when it comes to porn.
First I’m going to go over the way I used to think about having done porn.
I’m going to be extraordinarily honest. So it might get a bit brutal.
This is a thought process that has taken me a very long time to untangle and therefore has incurred a lot of consequences.
Because I was operating from a thought process that was faulty. So the real results of my actions were distorted.
The feedback I was getting from life wasn’t feedback. It was static.
I’ll try to explain what I mean and hopefully I’ll get there within this post. Or maybe there will be a hundred more porn psychology posts before I’m able to untangle the right thread.
This ‘static’ is I think something most people go through in life.
I did lie earlier. When I said I’ve never finished any writing.
When I was eight years old I wrote a book about my Irish setter. His name was Copper and that was the title of the book.
I think it was about five pages long with a few sentences on each page and it was unreadable to anyone but me.
But I thought it was brilliant and that I was brilliant.
I wrote a lot from ages either to about fourteen or fifteen. I still have some of those early writings. Some of them I still really love even though they don’t make much sense.
When I write something I really like (in my fiction) I know it comes from that place. Not from anything I’ve learned. It comes from what I was before I learned anything.
This is going to be chaotic because this is hard to explain.
The tricky thing about porn psychology is there are usually three or more thought processes going on and conflicting with each other.
And untangling one from the other and being able to isolate one from the other is difficult.
Because when it comes to doing something like porn, where a person is putting themselves out on display in a way that more than half the population will find revolting and degrading, and the rest will give attention and reward to see, many reflections are going to be created.
By reflections I mean you’ll get many multiple perspectives being tossed at you and you’ll get little images of yourself from each of them.
This is very confusing to the part of yourself….
Wait.
Im going to stop using yourself. Stop using second person.
I’ll make this very personal from my own individual perspective rather than speaking of it as if it’s a fact.
That way people can decide for themselves whether or not they understand or feel like they can relate.
When I was still young and very insecure and doing something as risky to my future as doing porn was and I was getting all this information flooded at me from other people it started to become very difficult for the part of myself that was just doing the action.
The part of myself that was just reacting to life. That wasn’t calculating anything.
That was just like, hey. I need to have sex really badly and I do sort of need more money.
Oh. I could do porn. There’s hot guys to have sex with. And they give me money for it. Okay. Sex and money. Cool.
That part of myself was just like whatever. Sex and money.
My first few months in porn that part of myself started to get buried under all this flooding of feedback.
The positive feedback was actually more dangerous than the negative.
Just because when I was brand new to porn everyone was like, ‘oh my god, you’re so beautiful and amazing and talented and wow!’ And I was like huh? Talented at sex? That’s dumb,
But I started to believe it for half a second. And the part of myself that was just getting sex and money started to get a little buried.
Then Mia Malkova came around and thank god for her. Because she was really someone that was going to be a porn star and it knocked some sense into me and I stopped listening to feedback.
And with porn I was very lucky. Because I do have one inherent trait that makes me better at handling both positive and negative feedback than at least what is average.
This trait is what many people describe as ‘authentic’. And it is authentic but it’s also just straight up extremely impulsive.
I just tune everything out and do what I want to do.
If you’ve read my ASMR blogs you’ll know I now have the terminology for this.
It’s being very bottom up driven.
I don’t have a lot of top down going on.
I’m not being cognitively run. I’m not planning or calculating or placing much value on how to succeed in the long run.
I’m following my internal drive.
And yes, it’s very authentic.
But it has its consequences.
At the moment I’m not finding porn psychology to be any different than just like, regular life nowadays.
What I mean by that is, the level of insecurity regular young girls feel these days is equal to the insecurity I felt from having done porn.
Which is wild.
I meet so many beautiful young women that could hold the world in their hand but they have the insecurity of a person that has incurred real life consequences.
That makes no sense.
So it made me rethink my thinking on porn.
And I realized the insecurity I felt started long before I did porn.
I think it might even be a natural stage of being a woman. Just something we are meant to work through in our own way.
A thing to we are meant to conquer by developing our own unique method of problem solving it and then we move onto the next stage in life.
What worries me is that doesn’t seem to be happening for a lot of women. They seem to remain stuck in the insecurity stage of life.
Beautiful, funny absolutely brilliant young woman are getting really trapped in the same type of insecurity I used to have.
It does very much disturb me and worry me. But I’ll get more into that later.
Jess lanai 
10 responses to “Porn psychology part 10”
You’re right. Authentic would be the word I’d personally use to describe the porn I watched you do. I think theres a lot of pressure on men to be good at something, like sports, work, relationships…so when we see someone (you in this case) do something well, we clock it as authentic, real, all-in.
We’re fools. Kind of..
I no longer watch porn, but when I did there was something about you that made me say, this doesn’t even come off as porn, this isn’t acting, this is fucking real.
I enjoy your writing and get far more out of it than the escapism of viewing porn. It’s deeper and again, most authentic. Hopefully if someone reads this and is lost in the porn loop, and found your blog as a result, gains this insight from your explorative and honest writing. I know I did, and I fucking love it.
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I think you’re right about there being a lot of pressure on men. It’s actually kind of cute in a way. There’s something very soothing about watching men trying handle pressure.
Men just seem to exercise so much more cognitive control. You have to control your emotions so much more. You can’t go around crying. Or losing your temper or even being really silly.
So like, watching a guy try to control all that, there’s something soothing about it. And sometimes men get so locked down and it’s just really fun to try to poke through their little cognitive control walls.
But I think that’s why men probably need some authenticity. Where things can just let loose and there’s no more control or pressure or holding back. Like, the bottom up can take more control and give the top down a break.
I’m sure a large part of it is also just wanting things to be real. Because lots of women try to get by with fakeness. Which is like deadly.
You never know where you stand with fake. I’m sure there must be a natural repulsion to it just to like, protect yourselves.
But I do really appreciate what you said. That was an incredibly lovely compliment.
I do worry about men, because we need them and I think it’s a really rough go for men right now and I think porn can be a dangerous coping mechanism.
I don’t think porn is bad. I just think men have it too hard right now and they are probably using porn too much to cope and it might do some damage.
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Actually, maybe you could expand a bit more on the insecurity part, it feels a little vague right now. In the relationship I mentioned before, and honestly from what I’ve observed in general, the main issue not just there but with many women is instability. Whereas what men really want is pretty simple: peace. There was passion, sure. There was even a deep connection. But was it sustainable? No. And was that because of me? Again, no. The thing is, it’s actually possible to have a deep connection, to truly value someone, and to make them feel like you’re not just going to walk away. But if you don’t really know what you want, or if you have underlying value conflicts (like beliefs, worldview, etc.), then you need to be honest about that from the beginning not drag someone into it. Lately, I’ve been feeling like my hope of meeting someone who is beautiful, thoughtful, emotionally deep and at the same time consistent, someone who makes you feel they’ll stay and won’t disappear at the first sign of trouble is slowly fading.
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Yes, how to explain the insecurity I need to think on a bit more. But woman’s insecurity can be very bad.
I can agree on the instability part. I deal with it from friends and family that are women. And I deal with it in myself as well. And here’s the thing, there’s no easy answer to it.
I know men want peace but peace is hard to come by.
I’ve had really bad fights with girlfriends before where we just do not know how to calm each other down. I’ve even sometimes logically known that I should calm down and not been able to.
I’ve had to work a lot on myself to be more peaceful and it wasn’t easy.
Because it’s so not easy not as many people will bother to develop peace.
So you can look for the woman that has peace and make it a top priority over looks and everything else.
Or you can develop peace yourself and help another person develop peace.
But it’s very hard.
Men say they want peace but they don’t understand what it entails.
Women are very in their feelings and senses and intuitions and we learn how to cater to people not to communicate with them.
It’s not natural for us to be really stable and not worried or insecure. We have to develop all that.
Some women for sure though are more prone to being calmer and others more excitable.
So some people are simply not compatible too.
But don’t lose hope. You just have to realize it’s hard.
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I think insecurity for young people is a common thing; and the more sensitive a person is, the more severe the insecurity. When you’re young, you don’t have any understanding of how the world works, why things are the way they are, and what your place in the world is. That is a terrifying thing. Some brave ones would go and try things or try to do things without knowing the consequences. But then I think a lot of the shame and social consequences are artificial; people often designate a person as “good” or “not good” by judging what that person has done. What they fail to understand is that there are always good people and bad people regardless of what they’ve previously done. And I maintain that the vast majority of people are good. My life experience is almost the exact opposite of yours; you could say I am from the top-down mode but I also had a terrifying time in my teen years and a large part of my twenties. It wasn’t until my late thirties when I realized that I don’t have to live up to anyone else’s expectations to be judged a good person and that I can be at ease with what has happened before and what I have become.
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I agree I think it’s common but I also think it’s lasting longer these days than it used to. Social consequences being artificial I think isn’t true though. Because people do judge ‘good’ or ‘not good’ very quickly with very little context or understanding. So you need wise people around to not be judged too quickly and avoid the consequences. I do agree that most people are good but most people judge things very quickly. So social consequences are very real.
I wouldn’t go back to my twenties for a billion dollars. The twenties were so hard!!! I’m so much happier now that I’m in my thirties. Life is so much easier.
Are you a guy? I have a theory that men tend to be more top down. And women more bottom up. But it’s just a theory 🤣 I do know some very top down women but they are rarer and the one I do know is on the more avoidant side.
But I agree on not living up to other people’s standards I’m just learning that now it makes life so much better. It’s hard sometimes when it’s people I like or care about. But when it comes to the masses I don’t bat an eye 😊
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I am a top-down guy and I think you are right about guys being mostly top-down or maybe it’s just my circle. I do know quite a few bottom-up people, though, and they tend to be extra smart (or maybe they are better at expressing themselves?) and artistic.
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It’s just my guess because I feel like most men would have to be pretty top down to make it anywhere. I think guys have a lot more intense emotions to control, like the drives are probably a lot more intense for guys than they are for us.
And I think women are more bottom up just because I know I rely on my instincts more than anything else to protect me. I don’t think guys would need as much protection. So you’re probably a bit more out of tune with just the feeling safe kind of instincts.
I don’t think bottom up people are smart though 🤣 maybe just more aware emotionally and better at noticing communication type stuff
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Life is about our choices in insecurities….and when we realise things it’s already halfway ….we always regret about the wasted time in the process but don’t think about people who are already entrapped there …. And you have expressed it good as what I have interpreted from it……
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I’m not really sure what you mean. But I don’t think I was very clear in what o mean. I need to do a post on insecurity. Because I think insecurity is actually a healthy emotion, I think it’s helpful. It’s helped me. But I don’t think people use it as much anymore
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