I’ve recently began to rethink my entire way of thinking when it comes to porn.
First I’m going to go over the way I used to think about having done porn.
I’m going to be extraordinarily honest. So it might get a bit brutal.
This is a thought process that has taken me a very long time to untangle and therefore has incurred a lot of consequences.
Because I was operating from a thought process that was faulty. So the real results of my actions were distorted.
The feedback I was getting from life wasn’t feedback. It was static.
I’ll try to explain what I mean and hopefully I’ll get there within this post. Or maybe there will be a hundred more porn psychology posts before I’m able to untangle the right thread.
This ‘static’ is I think something most people go through in life.
I did lie earlier. When I said I’ve never finished any writing.
When I was eight years old I wrote a book about my Irish setter. His name was Copper and that was the title of the book.
I think it was about five pages long with a few sentences on each page and it was unreadable to anyone but me.
But I thought it was brilliant and that I was brilliant.
I wrote a lot from ages either to about fourteen or fifteen. I still have some of those early writings. Some of them I still really love even though they don’t make much sense.
When I write something I really like (in my fiction) I know it comes from that place. Not from anything I’ve learned. It comes from what I was before I learned anything.
This is going to be chaotic because this is hard to explain.
The tricky thing about porn psychology is there are usually three or more thought processes going on and conflicting with each other.
And untangling one from the other and being able to isolate one from the other is difficult.
Because when it comes to doing something like porn, where a person is putting themselves out on display in a way that more than half the population will find revolting and degrading, and the rest will give attention and reward to see, many reflections are going to be created.
By reflections I mean you’ll get many multiple perspectives being tossed at you and you’ll get little images of yourself from each of them.
This is very confusing to the part of yourself….
Wait.
Im going to stop using yourself. Stop using second person.
I’ll make this very personal from my own individual perspective rather than speaking of it as if it’s a fact.
That way people can decide for themselves whether or not they understand or feel like they can relate.
When I was still young and very insecure and doing something as risky to my future as doing porn was and I was getting all this information flooded at me from other people it started to become very difficult for the part of myself that was just doing the action.
The part of myself that was just reacting to life. That wasn’t calculating anything.
That was just like, hey. I need to have sex really badly and I do sort of need more money.
Oh. I could do porn. There’s hot guys to have sex with. And they give me money for it. Okay. Sex and money. Cool.
That part of myself was just like whatever. Sex and money.
My first few months in porn that part of myself started to get buried under all this flooding of feedback.
The positive feedback was actually more dangerous than the negative.
Just because when I was brand new to porn everyone was like, ‘oh my god, you’re so beautiful and amazing and talented and wow!’ And I was like huh? Talented at sex? That’s dumb,
But I started to believe it for half a second. And the part of myself that was just getting sex and money started to get a little buried.
Then Mia Malkova came around and thank god for her. Because she was really someone that was going to be a porn star and it knocked some sense into me and I stopped listening to feedback.
And with porn I was very lucky. Because I do have one inherent trait that makes me better at handling both positive and negative feedback than at least what is average.
This trait is what many people describe as ‘authentic’. And it is authentic but it’s also just straight up extremely impulsive.
I just tune everything out and do what I want to do.
If you’ve read my ASMR blogs you’ll know I now have the terminology for this.
It’s being very bottom up driven.
I don’t have a lot of top down going on.
I’m not being cognitively run. I’m not planning or calculating or placing much value on how to succeed in the long run.
I’m following my internal drive.
And yes, it’s very authentic.
But it has its consequences.
At the moment I’m not finding porn psychology to be any different than just like, regular life nowadays.
What I mean by that is, the level of insecurity regular young girls feel these days is equal to the insecurity I felt from having done porn.
Which is wild.
I meet so many beautiful young women that could hold the world in their hand but they have the insecurity of a person that has incurred real life consequences.
That makes no sense.
So it made me rethink my thinking on porn.
And I realized the insecurity I felt started long before I did porn.
I think it might even be a natural stage of being a woman. Just something we are meant to work through in our own way.
A thing to we are meant to conquer by developing our own unique method of problem solving it and then we move onto the next stage in life.
What worries me is that doesn’t seem to be happening for a lot of women. They seem to remain stuck in the insecurity stage of life.
Beautiful, funny absolutely brilliant young woman are getting really trapped in the same type of insecurity I used to have.
It does very much disturb me and worry me. But I’ll get more into that later.
Jess lanai 