‘Mozart and Beethoven were both great composers, yet they worked very differently. Mozart thought out entire symphonies and scenes from operas in his head, without benefit of notes. Later he transcribed them onto paper. Beethoven, on the other hand, wrote fragmentary notes in notebooks, often reworking and polishing them for years. His first ideas were so clumsy that scholars marvel at how he could have developed such great music from them.
‘Imagine what would have happened if Mozart had followed Beethoven’s approach, and vice versa.
‘It is not unreasonable to believe that there are thousands, perhaps millions, of people in the world today who have not begun to glimpse, let alone develop, their potential for achievement simply because they are using work habits borrowed from someone else or fallen into by chance or force of circumstance.’
Quoted from ‘the art of thinking’ by Vincent Ryan Ruggiero
I’m a Beethoven.
No one would ever believe where the things I’m now good at originally came from.
Dating is one of them.
Not that I’m terrific at dating. But no one would believe how bad at it I used to be.
Lots of people can be bad at the exact same thing but be bad at it for very different reasons.
Why I in particular am really bad at dating is not the same reason as you might be really bad at dating. We just might have the same result which is we suck at dating.
First of all let me define what I mean by dating.
Because I spent most of my life not dating.
Not dating is easier to define than dating.
Doing porn for example was a way to not date.
For a couple years after porn I did nothing at. No not dating and no dating dating.
Then I met my boyfriend.
And even then I didn’t do any dating.
I just saw him. Immediately developed an enormous crush on him. Started hooking up with him. Then alternated between nagging him to be my boyfriend and telling him I didn’t need a boyfriend.
Then. Eventually. At some point or other. After a very long time. I fully accepted that I needed to get over him and I entered the land of the abyss where I again did nothing.
No not dating and no dating dating. And I resolved to stay there for eternity because I believed I could never love again.
After a couple years of that a really hot man showed up at my job.
Or rather, I showed up at a job that had a really hot man. I spent about a year harboring a deep crush on him and longing to go out with him.
(Never happened because he had a girlfriends. And even before he did, I was pretty creepily infatuated so he avoided me.)
Once I got over that guy I finally, for the first time in my life, did dating dating.
What is dating dating?
In the intentional sense.
Where I’m actively going out and looking to meet people to go on dates with for the purpose of finding a real life boyfriend.
There are all kinds of ways to date date.
There’s meeting people out in the street. There’s meeting people through friends. There’s dating apps. The factor is that it is intentional. There’s no blurry lines on what is wanted and being sought after.
The hardest thing about dating dating for me is that I have go on dates with a man before I’ve decided whether or not I like him.
Which sucks.
Before I relied on being completely and absolutely infatuated before ever even trying to go on a date.
The decision for myself had been made and the ball was entirely in the man’s court.
Honestly I think dating is pretty hard and awful and unnatural.
Every time I’ve really liked a man it’s not been because we went on ‘dates‘. It’s been because I was attracted to them enough to pay a bit more attention to them than I might normally.
Then we spent time together in directly and an emotional bond formed.
That emotional bond formed because we helped each other in some deep and extremely meaningful way.
So how the hell one recreates that with dating I have no idea.
I’m not entirely sure I want to bother dating at all. Or what the use is in it.
I’ve had friends jump into the trenches and just go one a lot of bad dates until they had one really good one and made that person their boyfriend (or girlfriend)
I’m not sure I agree with that strategy. Or with even having a strategy at all.
Dating is like the art of thinking.
Some people can think up all the notes in their head and then just jot out symphonies.
Some of us are bits and pieces of fragmented notes that someday come together into a symphony.
And the rest of the people out there, who knows what it is they are.
There’s no one way to go about finding a boyfriend (or a girlfriend) but most of us want to find one. Because they are wonderful and rare creatures worth struggling through long and seemingly hopeless quests for.
Men have always taken me by surprise. Nothing has ever happened in a way that I designed it too.
So why bother designing things and actually going to the trouble of trying to date?
There are actually a couple of beneficial reasons to go out into the boring weeds of dating intentionally that I’ve noticed for myself.
When I’ve already developed a crush and even an emotional bond with a man before I’ve started dating them curiosity is more closed down. So is openness.
I don’t know if that makes sense.
Because I already have an emotional bond with a man I’m not paying as much attention to the man, instead I’m only looking for ways to make a relationship work. So I’m less curious. I just want evidence everything is okay.
(This why most woman start out a little psycho. It’s natural to be psycho)
If I already know I’m super into a guy I go more out of my way to put the man at ease.
And actually the same is true when I’ve already decided I’m not interested in a guy at all. I’ll feel guilty so I’ll attempt to make them feel good.
In both scenarios I end being a performing monkey.
But. When interest and disinterest is taken away. When I don’t actually yet have a clue whether or not I’m interested in a man, then things can get very interesting.
I will be more present and reactive to the person that’s really in front of me.
Whether or not one should not like a man before they date them, I think that’s a case by case thing.
I personally still rather like having developed the emotional bond with a man before dating him. I still prefer it.
But. The practice of going on dates with guys before I can have any clue if I like them or not has made me start to practice being more open and present in general
Even in the event that I do form another emotional bond with a man before I start dating him, I will try to come to the dating part with more openness and more curiosity rather than defaulting to just trying to please.
I’ll be much less insane now because of that.
It is a lot more fun and more relaxing to have curiosity and openness.
Going on random dates has been a good way for me to practice this sort of thing.
There’s a point for dating.
I’ve heard a lot of people talk about using dating to practice gaining social skills.
I can agree with this. Social skills are very important.
But. I think most people look at social skills the warped way. They try to practice being more charming or confident. They adjust to others.
When really social skills are about adjusting others to ourselves.
Dating can create a good map of this.
Like for example it’ll help me figure out what kind of dates I’m actually comfortable going on.
And what kind of behavior I’m unwilling to tolerate.
What kind of clothes make me feel most comfortable and most confident.
What kind of people make me feel most comfortable and confident.
What things have nothing to do with anything but myself and are just insecurities I need to untangle.
All that kind of stuff is confusing and hard to figure out and rather than wait until I have a boyfriend to figure it out, I can use dating to give myself clearer pictures.
So that’s another little point towards trying to date intentionally.
Here are the practical things I’ve learned from attempting to date.
Number one. I’ve started wearing gold. Because I know gold looks good on me. It’s an easy way to level up my looks.
Number two: I’ve started smiling more and engaging in small talk. I’m actively putting effort into being more approachable because it does work better on men.
Number three: I address issues very quickly even if they are uncomfortable. This is very hard to do. When I first started doing it I came off pretty abrasive and panicky.
I’m sure a lot of men have experienced this from woman they are dating. The woman just starts nagging or barking at them.
This is a clumsy attempt to communicate. It’s very hard to master. But I am slowly getting better at rejecting men or expressing fears or frustrations without getting hyper emotional or defensive.
Not easy. Takes so much practice. But it’s another point for dating. Because dating is also a way to practice communicating wants, needs, boundaries. No one starts out good at that.
I guess there might be some Mozarts out there that can compose everything their head first and already have all the notes.
But most of us are Beethovens.
Jess lanai 
8 responses to “How to date”
What you’ve written is really interesting, very intriguing… I think I could ask you 1000 questions if we met face to face. Coffee date? 🙂 As a man in my early 30s, and even though it’s been a year since I got through a very difficult breakup, I was very upset. Breaking up with the person I really wanted to marry devastated me, but it was the right decision. I love love, I adore having a girlfriend. I think I’m attractive and have good qualities, but I haven’t been able to find that thing I’ve been looking for for years. That was one of the things we had in common. I wish I had been born 100 years ago, and I’m sure I would have been more valued in that romantic setting. Dating apps are awful. Going on dates is very difficult for a man these days. Even if I were a “quality” man, I think finding a girlfriend is even harder for us than for women these days. Social media has killed so many things. I don’t know why, but life… Reading what you wrote after your story, even from across continents, makes me feel good. I’m glad you exist.
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I am curious about your break up, why you think it was the right decision. That kind of stuff does interest me.
I do agree. It’s very hard for men to date right now. I get worried about it a lot. Because I really can’t imagine having to be a guy right now and how discouraging it would be. And I really appreciate men and I need them so I get worried about it.
But I also don’t know if it’s any harder than it’s ever been. And maybe dating is just always really hard and especially hard on men.
But I will say a lot of women are very mixed up. I don’t know if it’s because of social media or what, but they are trying.
I do sort of think the last few generations have had a really rough time and were adjusting to brand new things we’ve never had to adjust to before. And it’s making us all crazier than we’d be normally, and I think that means we have to be more patient and understanding of each other.
Like women should give men more grace and men should give women more grace. Neither of us knows what’s going on and we are trying, we just might need more time and chances and more room to make mistakes.
Men and women definitely do not communicate the same way.
Thank you for writing me this, even to ask for a coffee date, I still appreciate the feedback so much.
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We broke up even though we were a very sweet couple, due to the difference and beliefs and little so many arguements during the relationship. So that, even it was devastating to me, i didnt give up my red lines, also, at the beginning there were no problems later i figured out (she admitted) that she lied to me just to obtain or continue the relationship. Even on the days of “breaking up discussions” i didnt give up till the last moment, offerer her to talk face to face etc she didnt accept it. So i start to figure out that the love was not real. Against all differences we had, i was valueing our bond and memories a lot, so she could put more effort in our love obviously but she didnt. Anyway, its been more than a year now, am feeling better. Memories sometimes still hurt but a sweet hurt now, doesnt make me feel sad anymore but melancholic(not too much).
Also, from the beginning i knew she was not the right person to build a life together, but passion and love made us blind and we both enjoyed what we did together during the relationship. Gifts, grace, romance, sex and conversations we loved passionately. But it more or less was about to get an end one day, we were knowing from deepdown.
And as a man i was more emotional than her. I mean actually i was serious, she was the one who wanted this relationship more than me before starting, cause i had doubts but i was the one who valued it more once we inside of it.
Anyways it will remain a good place in my heart but i am also proud of myself on didnt give up on my values in life.
Coming to the coffee date i offer, yeah there are actually many stuff to talk and curious about you thats why am offering 🙂 I know some good places 🙂 [maybe one day]☕️😌
Also, i dont get at times how you struggle too on finding the man, on dates, which is am really curious about.
Thanks for the answer too, looking forward to read the next one. Have a lovely day
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I can relate, my first boyfriend too I knew it wasn’t meant to last forever, that it was going to end and needed to end. But I still hung onto for way too long and I stayed too attached to him even years after we were done. Break ups are very hard. It took me a long time to get over it.
But now it’s happy memories and I’m just grateful we got to be together and have as much fun as we did. It was perfect for the time it was just meant to end.
Now I’m still a little sad about the last guy I liked but still trying to date just for practice and to not be shut down. Because I’ve spent a lot of my life being shut down and not dating at all. Now I can’t let myself ever do that again, I always have to try.
Maybe coffee date someday. But I don’t want to encourage people in general on here to ask me out. That is not what this blog is for. It’s for me to practice writing.
And I don’t want anyone ever expecting that. But you do seem like a very nice guy, and I do appreciate that.
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Breakups are hard, yes, I struggled too, maybe deep down there’s still love left. And as I said, we were a very sweet couple. I’m trying dating too, but in today’s world, especially as a man, it’s very, very difficult. This blog makes me feel good because it’s so strange to know someone of the opposite sex who’s gone through almost the same steps. Especially if that’s you… Life is incredibly strange. Happy memories are now a little tear in my eyes and sometimes a smile. I was a good boyfriend. It was a bad breakup, by the way (I didn’t do anything, she just didn’t have a good breakup), but it doesn’t matter, as you said, it had to end, and it ended. I also realized I’m practicing my writing now 🙂 Yes, maybe someday we’ll have a coffee, what kind of coffee do you like? ☺️ Let me know if you ever go on a European tour 😌 Or maybe I’ll go on a US tour, the coffee’s on me, I promise 😅
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I do love Europe. It’s my favorite. I go as much as I can. The us is nice too though if you’ve never been. I like most all coffee. I like American drip coffee. I like espresso. I like cappuccinos. I like Turkish coffee. I like Asian Kopi. I like lattes and mochas. I like all the coffee.
And yes, I know it’s very hard for men right now. But I thought it was mostly just really hard in America. Because American culture is so hard on men. But it’s bad in Europe too?
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Hahah we are too similar on the coffees, i also love all types and glad to hear that you love the Turkish one so that means you’ll love our cuisine as well
On dating, yeah the world is kinda similar on everywhere now so dating for men its like setting the game as hardest level, but i also still try. I’ve seen the girl i broke up recently online somehow and i didnt feel anything bad. I mean no fury, no sadness, i have seen that i healed so it has encouraged me. I love dating to be honest but i dont mean a certaing place, a certain plan, a certain table there sitting two people face to face and all the things around while the purpose is obvious. What i mean is, getting to know someone new is still cute, women are still cute. But it shouldnt be too obvious the process maybe thats why we keep failing on dating apps or in the new modern era dates. Cause its too awkward. I love books and all new people towards our life are just like books so turning that pages and diving into those books are still fun.
Now I need to go out to get my morning coffee before going to work, it’s so bad I can’t share photos from here. I love that you like Europe, I wonder if you’ve been to our country, if not, you’ll love it. I know the purpose of the blog and I don’t want to act against its purpose, but if you go on another European tour and we can’t arrange a coffee date, I’ll be sad. There must be a way. It felt good to read your reply, have a good day.🙂
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I’ve been thinking that too. That dating is set to the hardest level for men. It makes me worry for men because I like men and I dont want them to get too discouraged.
It’s hard for women too though, not as hard as it is for men. But women don’t know how to communicate their issues so they just end up coming off insane. I don’t know what to do about it
I do love Turkish food too!!
And dating apps are the worst. It’s hardest on dating apps to meet people. It’s easier in person I think people are more normal when you just meet them and it’s not because they are looking
I agree with you on the growth part though I too feel like I have grown a lot so it gives me a lot of encouragement
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