Jess lanai

‘Mozart and Beethoven were both great composers, yet they worked very differently. Mozart thought out entire symphonies and scenes from operas in his head, without benefit of notes. Later he transcribed them onto paper. Beethoven, on the other hand, wrote fragmentary notes in notebooks, often reworking and polishing them for years. His first ideas were so clumsy that scholars marvel at how he could have developed such great music from them.

‘Imagine what would have happened if Mozart had followed Beethoven’s approach, and vice versa.

‘It is not unreasonable to believe that there are thousands, perhaps millions, of people in the world today who have not begun to glimpse, let alone develop, their potential for achievement simply because they are using work habits borrowed from someone else or fallen into by chance or force of circumstance.’

Quoted from ‘the art of thinking’ by Vincent Ryan Ruggiero

I’m a Beethoven.

No one would ever believe where the things I’m now good at originally came from.

Dating is one of them.

Not that I’m terrific at dating. But no one would believe how bad at it I used to be.

Lots of people can be bad at the exact same thing but be bad at it for very different reasons.

Why I in particular am really bad at dating is not the same reason as you might be really bad at dating. We just might have the same result which is we suck at dating.

First of all let me define what I mean by dating.

Because I spent most of my life not dating.

Not dating is easier to define than dating.

Doing porn for example was a way to not date.

For a couple years after porn I did nothing at. No not dating and no dating dating.

Then I met my boyfriend.

And even then I didn’t do any dating.

I just saw him. Immediately developed an enormous crush on him. Started hooking up with him. Then alternated between nagging him to be my boyfriend and telling him I didn’t need a boyfriend.

Then. Eventually. At some point or other. After a very long time. I fully accepted that I needed to get over him and I entered the land of the abyss where I again did nothing.

No not dating and no dating dating. And I resolved to stay there for eternity because I believed I could never love again.

After a couple years of that a really hot man showed up at my job.

Or rather, I showed up at a job that had a really hot man. I spent about a year harboring a deep crush on him and longing to go out with him.

(Never happened because he had a girlfriends. And even before he did, I was pretty creepily infatuated so he avoided me.)

Once I got over that guy I finally, for the first time in my life, did dating dating.

What is dating dating?

In the intentional sense.

Where I’m actively going out and looking to meet people to go on dates with for the purpose of finding a real life boyfriend.

There are all kinds of ways to date date.

There’s meeting people out in the street. There’s meeting people through friends. There’s dating apps. The factor is that it is intentional. There’s no blurry lines on what is wanted and being sought after.

The hardest thing about dating dating for me is that I have go on dates with a man before I’ve decided whether or not I like him.

Which sucks.

Before I relied on being completely and absolutely infatuated before ever even trying to go on a date.

The decision for myself had been made and the ball was entirely in the man’s court.

Honestly I think dating is pretty hard and awful and unnatural.

Every time I’ve really liked a man it’s not been because we went on ‘dates‘. It’s been because I was attracted to them enough to pay a bit more attention to them than I might normally.

Then we spent time together in directly and an emotional bond formed.

That emotional bond formed because we helped each other in some deep and extremely meaningful way.

So how the hell one recreates that with dating I have no idea.

I’m not entirely sure I want to bother dating at all. Or what the use is in it.

I’ve had friends jump into the trenches and just go one a lot of bad dates until they had one really good one and made that person their boyfriend (or girlfriend)

I’m not sure I agree with that strategy. Or with even having a strategy at all.

Dating is like the art of thinking.

Some people can think up all the notes in their head and then just jot out symphonies.

Some of us are bits and pieces of fragmented notes that someday come together into a symphony.

And the rest of the people out there, who knows what it is they are.

There’s no one way to go about finding a boyfriend (or a girlfriend) but most of us want to find one. Because they are wonderful and rare creatures worth struggling through long and seemingly hopeless quests for.

Men have always taken me by surprise. Nothing has ever happened in a way that I designed it too.

So why bother designing things and actually going to the trouble of trying to date?

There are actually a couple of beneficial reasons to go out into the boring weeds of dating intentionally that I’ve noticed for myself.

When I’ve already developed a crush and even an emotional bond with a man before I’ve started dating them curiosity is more closed down. So is openness.

I don’t know if that makes sense.

Because I already have an emotional bond with a man I’m not paying as much attention to the man, instead I’m only looking for ways to make a relationship work. So I’m less curious. I just want evidence everything is okay.

(This why most woman start out a little psycho. It’s natural to be psycho)

If I already know I’m super into a guy I go more out of my way to put the man at ease.

And actually the same is true when I’ve already decided I’m not interested in a guy at all. I’ll feel guilty so I’ll attempt to make them feel good.

In both scenarios I end being a performing monkey.

But. When interest and disinterest is taken away. When I don’t actually yet have a clue whether or not I’m interested in a man, then things can get very interesting.

I will be more present and reactive to the person that’s really in front of me.

Whether or not one should not like a man before they date them, I think that’s a case by case thing.

I personally still rather like having developed the emotional bond with a man before dating him. I still prefer it.

But. The practice of going on dates with guys before I can have any clue if I like them or not has made me start to practice being more open and present in general

Even in the event that I do form another emotional bond with a man before I start dating him, I will try to come to the dating part with more openness and more curiosity rather than defaulting to just trying to please.

I’ll be much less insane now because of that.

It is a lot more fun and more relaxing to have curiosity and openness.

Going on random dates has been a good way for me to practice this sort of thing.

There’s a point for dating.

I’ve heard a lot of people talk about using dating to practice gaining social skills.

I can agree with this. Social skills are very important.

But. I think most people look at social skills the warped way. They try to practice being more charming or confident. They adjust to others.

When really social skills are about adjusting others to ourselves.

Dating can create a good map of this.

Like for example it’ll help me figure out what kind of dates I’m actually comfortable going on.

And what kind of behavior I’m unwilling to tolerate.

What kind of clothes make me feel most comfortable and most confident.

What kind of people make me feel most comfortable and confident.

What things have nothing to do with anything but myself and are just insecurities I need to untangle.

All that kind of stuff is confusing and hard to figure out and rather than wait until I have a boyfriend to figure it out, I can use dating to give myself clearer pictures.

So that’s another little point towards trying to date intentionally.

Here are the practical things I’ve learned from attempting to date.

Number one. I’ve started wearing gold. Because I know gold looks good on me. It’s an easy way to level up my looks.

Number two: I’ve started smiling more and engaging in small talk. I’m actively putting effort into being more approachable because it does work better on men.

Number three: I address issues very quickly even if they are uncomfortable. This is very hard to do. When I first started doing it I came off pretty abrasive and panicky.

I’m sure a lot of men have experienced this from woman they are dating. The woman just starts nagging or barking at them.

This is a clumsy attempt to communicate. It’s very hard to master. But I am slowly getting better at rejecting men or expressing fears or frustrations without getting hyper emotional or defensive.

Not easy. Takes so much practice. But it’s another point for dating. Because dating is also a way to practice communicating wants, needs, boundaries. No one starts out good at that.

I guess there might be some Mozarts out there that can compose everything their head first and already have all the notes.

But most of us are Beethovens.