Jess lanai

Sometimes girls at work will tell me I’m mean, or scary, or intimidating. I attribute that to my temper. Which I’ve very slowly gotten control over in the past couple years.

Not full control. But anytime someone tells me I’m mean nowadays I smile to myself because I’m improved so drastically and whatever amount of meanness I still possess I’m keeping.

Because I’ve improved as much as I wish to improve.

That’s what I want to start with. What’s the actual value in not being a bitch?

Why bother to stop being a bitch?

I guess to understand the value in being a bitch versus not being a bitch its first important to define what a bitch is.

Since I have a lot of posts with bitch or Asshole in the titles one of the guys that reads my blog asked me what the difference between being a bitch and being an asshole is.

If there are specific differences. If one is simply masculine and the other feminine.

If there is any differences at all or if they are both just descriptions of an unpleasant to deal with person.

Here’s how I think of it.

A bitch is generally feminine but lots of men can be bitches.

The main thing that makes a bitch a bitch is the barking. A bitch barks.

I bark.

I get in everyone’s face and tell them every thought I’m thinking.

I’m confrontational. If I have problem with anyone or anything I will say it directly.

And that’s the first thing to understand about the value in being a bitch. People don’t like being directly confronted.

And yet they do like it.

Bitches do relieve the kind of social pressure of always having to read between the lines.

And that can be a huge relief. Because it’s hard to know what you can and cannot do with another person.

This is hard to explain.

But imagine it this way. If you do something especially considerate for another human being you will not only feel good about yourself, you will consider yourself valuable. You might expect the person you were extremely considerate towards to reward you in some way.

Whether or not the person actually noticed, appreciated or even needed your consideration is besides the point.

You will notice that you went out of your way to be kind.

The same is true when we take a short cut on another human being and do something we know is inconsiderate or cheating. When we screw them over just a tad bit.

Be a little fake to them. Or bad mouth them. Or take advantage of them. We can delude ourselves into thinking oh, they don’t care, they didn’t even notice that I was being fake or bad mouthing them or taking advantage.

But it’s not about whether or not they notice.

We notice. And some part of our mind feels some pressure. To beware of the consequences should they find out.

A lot of the time a toxic exchange starts to happen. Where we can’t tell if they know that we screwed them over.

Bitches are very reassuring in these scenarios. Because there are no guessing games. Often it’s instant confrontation.

In my case it’s instant confrontation that is so explosive that I end up being the bad guy. So I end up being the one to apologize.

Now that I’ve defined a bitch it might be easy to understand what I can be like as a person.

I will say extremely blunt entirely tactless things right off the cuff. It can be very abrasive and off putting.

Being a bitch without skill or care just makes you a crazy bitch.

To understand how to take the crazy out of the bitch I need to define what a not bitch is.

Not bitches have tact and composure. They have patience and consideration and they dance around conflict.

They’ll usually give people a second chance. Then they’ll imply that they are upset. Then, instead of direct confrontation, they’ll find someone else to complain to.

They’ll keep being sweet and not give much indication that they are in fact upset and offended. If they give indication it’ll be very subtle and hard to decipher.

Which can cause a lot of people to think no offense is being taken or they’re just getting away with whatever it is they are trying to get away with so they will double down on their behavior.

Which leads to more complaining on the not bitches part and the offending party eventually digs their own grave.

So what is the value in not being a bitch?

It’s usually more effective. In a social situation at school or work not bitches are the ones that often win.

But the main value in not being a bitch is to get off of defense.

Because most bitches might call themselves honest (like I did) but what we really are is mistrustful.

We bark at everyone so they know to stay away from our precious boundaries because we do not trust ourselves to enforce our own boundaries.

That’s why we get so damn loud and keep getting in everyone’s face. We’re not just being honest we’re making it another person’s problem that we don’t trust ourselves to maintain our own boundaries.

How I stopped being a bitch was simple. I stopped informing other people of my boundaries and I started just informing myself of my boundaries.

Noticing what triggered my temper and to start trying to find a way to not put up with it.

A good example of this that I can think of at the moment, is for a bit I was a bartender. Which just means men I had no interest in hit on me a lot.

Instead of turning into a raging bitch, I quit being a bartender. That’s where the not bitches have it right.

Conflict doesn’t always need to be faced. It can also just be removed.