Jess lanai

Psych.

I don’t know how to get a boyfriend.

But I think I might sort of know what I would want if I could get a boyfriend.

I had a crush on Ricky Riccardo, probably because he was always spanking Lucy.

I loved watching Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. Had the crush on Dean.

Dean had that suave thing and sense of humor, didn’t seem to take anything too seriously. Including himself.

Jerry Lewis wrote a book called Dean and me. One of my favorite autobiographies and Jerry’s description of Dean Martin made me like Dean Martin even more.

I crushed on Gene Wilder. Just because he was so insane and original without trying.

And because he had curly hair.

What really matters in a boyfriend? What’s most important?

Some women have a long list of what they would want in a partner.

I keep my list pretty short.

It was long when I was younger. Because when I was younger I was a lot more terrified of losing all my space.

I am a very introverted person. What does that mean exactly?

If you look it up online it means we gain energy from solitude.

I don’t know if I gain energy from solitude or not. All I know is people do give me more grace when I tell them I’m introverted.

My behavior becomes less offensive to them. My little spells of not wanting to talk or needing to just zone out are more respected. I’m not considered rude anymore, just quiet and introverted.

The big problem when I was younger is on top of ‘being introverted’ I was also very timid.

When you’re timid you don’t want to have to ask for anything ever. You’re shy about everything.

That requires a lot of a man.

If I’m too shy to show interest the man has to have a lot of confidence.

If I’m too timid to communicate what I want the man has to be abnormally direct.

And since I needed a lot of space the man would also need to be a busy man. On top of being a busy man he’d have to give me a lot of attention so I knew he liked me.

Most men can’t be that confident, that direct, give that much space and simultaneously that much attention and be normal human beings.

So it’s a big list.

I got over being timid.

Which makes my list much shorter. Much more reasonable and maybe even attainable. (Yet to see)

Attraction is still the nonnegotiable.

Lots of others things I can work through.

But if I’m not attracted to a man that’s it. Nothing else matters. Not how much money he has, or how good a person he is. How good looking he is. Nothing.

I’m not sure if that’s good, bad or whatever. It’s just the truth at the moment.

I’ve personally never liked the butterflies. They are exhausting little bitches.

I like the point after the butterflies. When there is a degree of comfort. When the attraction to the man comes from the bond with the man rather than the wanting of the man.

Attraction does develop and it’s about ten million times more wonderful when it’s developed from a bond.

Attraction from the bond itself is extremely rare and it’s very hard to let go of.

Women in red is a great Gene Wilder movie.

But the very best is the producers.

Springtime for hitler.