I’m going to try this thing where I post everyday. So things might get messy and unintelligible.
Someday when I have enough confidence that it can be funny instead of frightening I might post my early attempts at writing.
A lot of it is pretty adorable but I was also just pretty insane. Insane in the sense that there’s no sanity. No logic or rational way of thinking that can be followed, it’s just total chaotic nonsense.
I think what is so bad about my early writing is I had no idea how to communicate what I was trying to accomplish.
I think that’s a skill most people have to learn in general with life. A lot of people don’t bother to learn it.
Instead of learning how to communicate what they really want a lot of people tend to hide what they really want and what they’re really thinking.
They just sort of copy and paste what the most acceptable things to want and think are then try to cut the rest.
There are a lot of ways to communicate, writing is just one form. Some use music. Some use art or fashion. Some even use their business and entrepreneurship. Some use their hobbies or their religion.
All of it, no matter what it is, to me at least, is a desire to be of use. Because anyone can copy and paste if they just want to be accepted.
But attempting real communication with other people is a lot more caring.
It’s giving a person something real instead of trying to get by.
I’ve always wondered how men feel about porn. Because I like men and I’ve done porn.
For most of my life I figured men were entirely disconnected. Like sex and feelings were separate entities in men.
I don’t think that’s true anymore.
I think I (and most women) have drastically underestimated how much men actually like women.
Men also drastically underestimated how much women like men.
I get why. There’s lots of women out there screaming about hating men. A lot of those women are the ones that love men the most.
But the rest of them are just copy pasting. They are not communicating.
Jess lanai 
7 responses to “Men and porn”
I’ve been able to separate the superficial from the emotional. Maybe it’s because I’ve had many strong women in my life and I value a woman’s worth in the family and society. I feel sex can be BOTH superficial and emotional depending on the situation. It’s a fine line between dominance and respect. Just like how you said you like men, I absolutely love everything about a woman and her body. I love most all shapes and sizes too. But at the end of the day, respect for a fellow human should be your guiding light. Sex should be fun for both people. Whether it’s rough or gentle.
I absolutely love watching your videos because of your authenticity (as I wrote in a previous post), then I read where you said your authenticity cuts both ways because you were/are impulsive . Never thought about that before. Thank you!
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I think everyone has different ideas of how they want their relationships and it’s all fine.
But I do think dominance is pretty healthy to a degree. It’s taking responsibility for something. I like men to feel dominant or possessive of me when they get into a relationship with me because they should feel like they are putting a lot out on the line. Like they are putting in a lot of time and effort and resources and therefore feel like they are investing in something they expect a return on.
It’s rather natural to feel a bit entitled to things we put effort into. That doesn’t mean we don’t have respect.
There is a bit of an ownership feeling when someone is putting everything out on the line for something.
Men that want to be more superficial and just have fun I’m not saying they don’t respect women.
But they just want to have fun. It’s not all that serious.
Like how you say you like that I was authentic.
Part of being authentic meant that I was pretty bitchy.
Because I put a lot of effort into a lot of things so I was a lot more impatient.
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Hi Jess, thanks for all the insight and honesty.
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Thank you for reading
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You said a lot, yet at the same time, you said nothing. I understand your point and what you mean, but the topic “Men and Porn” calls for a more thorough analysis; unlike other vices or products, the relationship between men and porn has created or perpetuated more problems than it has actually solved. You yourself are a witness to this: in porn, you performed scenes that an ordinary woman simply couldn’t or wouldn’t do, because most of them exist solely to please the man. Ultimately, that is the goal of porn—regardless of the “pretty” labels attached to it, the underlying message is always: woman = submissive whore, man = dominant stud. My dear, between the industry, the people who work in it, and the consumers, we have dragged sexuality itself into the gutter; if there were already problems, this was just another step toward social and sexual mediocrity. We are all responsible in one way or another, but it is good that you at least gained some insight from the experience.
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Yes more than half the time I don’t know what I’m saying yet. Some things take a lot of writing down to untangle.
One thing I know for sure though is that men and their sexuality cannot and should not be tamed. Right now it is being used against them and the market is saturated with mind numbing porn. But men are capable too. A lot of them are figuring it out for themselves and becoming more immune to manipulation.
Sometimes when things look bad they also serve the purpose of creating an environment that produces stronger people. Lots of men are falling through the cracks but lots are also getting incredible smart snd dangerous as a result.
As for being an ordinary woman, here’s the thing. I am highly sexual and I would do those things in a relationship with a man. I would even allow a man to have other women if he was a man I wanted enough.
I’m not here to create an ordinary standard. I’m here to create my own standard. And I think that is what upsets people about porn. Porn is opportunistic. It’s not morality. It’s not meant to be morality. Neither is sex.
Sex is a wild and untamable thing, it is ruthless. It is desire and it does what it wants it doesn’t care what is fair or unfair.
The market is the market. Whatever it can get away with is what it will get away with. And people have to choose for themselves whether they want to drown in fantasy or they want to have real power in their real lives. Porn and sex has nothing to do with that choice. That’s really up to the individual.
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I appreciate that you took the time to reply; few people actually stop to think about this topic, which can sometimes be complex.
I agree that, as individuals, we are the ones who decide how to act and who face the consequences. What matters is what we do with them: whether we learn or consciously or unconsciously repeat the same mistakes. From what I’ve read, you’ve gained maturity and started seeing things you didn’t understand before. That is valuable, even though we still have a long way to go.
We cannot deny that freedom implies responsibility, because sometimes we “forget” that our actions affect others, directly or indirectly, and it’s not about judging, but about reflecting on the real scope of what we do.
In one of your posts, you mention that “most men cannot have sex without devaluing the woman,” and you are right. This is partly explained by macho culture, partly by individual immaturity, and largely (even though many dislike admitting it) by today’s porn. This fantastical and often ridiculous imitation of sex distances us further and further from genuine intimacy, and although we are the generation with the most access to sexual information, paradoxically we are one of the generations that has the least quality sex, because the difference between healthy exploration and porn dependency is vast.
Porn isn’t necessarily the main culprit, but it certainly bears a lot of responsibility in perpetuating several pre-existing issues.
Male sexuality hasn’t exactly been repressed in the traditional sense; rather, it has been deregulated. While women have historically carried greater repression, men, being largely able to do as they please, have ended up without clear boundaries, living a sexuality that rarely turns out healthy for either party (returning to what I said before about sexual practices that not all women would be willing to do).
Many men (and also some women) are left out of the sexual-romantic game due to a mix of cultural factors (machismo, misogyny, misandry) and the current “gender war” that generates distrust, toxic generalizations, and a lack of social skills or clumsiness. This lack of clear boundaries finds its perfect fuel in porn.
Both sexes feel attraction and experience pleasure in different ways (broadly speaking and without generalizing, women tend to be more emotional and men more visual/carnal), but when desire is not satisfied in reality, porn appears as a quick fix. Instead of filling the void and resolving frustration, it worsens it: it offers immediate gratification, releasing very high amounts of dopamine which can lead to desensitization, dissatisfaction with real sex, difficulties in emotional connection, erection problems, imagination atrophy, unrealistic expectations, reduced motivation to put in effort in real life, and reinforcement of negative views of the opposite sex. Loneliness, social anxiety, and sometimes simple cowardice make many prefer not to expand their circle or face rejection. Why try to create a real bond if everything arrives easily on the internet? That habit makes the creation of real, lasting, and honest bonds difficult, and the vicious circle repeats: less real experience – more porn – more disconnection – more difficulty connecting.
It is one thing to defend the right to freedom of consumption, and quite another to ignore the effects it can have on mental health and interpersonal relationships, because everything in moderation can offer lessons, but disguising clinging to instant porn pleasure under the guise of sexual freedom is a very convincing excuse that brings little good to men.
In the end, all of us who (in one way or another) have been involved in porn contribute to this, and it would be cynical not to recognize it, just as minimizing it doesn’t help either. The market skillfully capitalizes and takes advantage of our shortcomings, ignorance, and vulnerabilities as individuals (both men and women), offering “solutions” that on the outside seem liberating, but upon deep analysis turn out to be dark and harmful. It is true that not everyone becomes addicted nor will everyone suffer the same consequences, but the risk exists the longer one remains in that consumption or those experiences; the aftereffects can appear in the short term or, more commonly, the long term.
In a hyper-sexualized, objectifying, and degrading society, questioning porn is seen as being “pussy” or “crazy.” That’s how normalized it is… but yes, the relationship between porn and men is more than close, though not for the reasons many believe.
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