Jess lanai

In my last post, the one I called Locarno, I started to go on about vulnerability and such. Porn psychology is what happens to you when you allow your mind to be too vulnerable.

How did I get involved in porn? I moved to La. If you want to be a porn star just move to La, they will find you.

But I guess times have changed. People do only fans now. I’m not even sure how it all works anymore.

Do people still go to casting calls? Do they still go to porn sets? And see the same camera crew everyone hires? Do you see all the same people and work with all the same people all the time and just feel like you’re trapped in a small world?

Because that’s the very first thing to understand about the allure of doing porn. The most dangerous thing about doing porn. The most dangerous thing about any career actually.

It has a community.

Why did I move to La? I don’t really know. I’d have to go into some sort of hypnotic trance to fully remember why the hell I moved to La.

I know why I moved from where I was. I thought I needed somewhere more exciting. That my only chance to meet a boyfriend was to move to a big city where there was lots of people.

I think I looked at one picture online of La, invented an entire storyline in my head in that split second and just moved there.

I really did just move to La. Got in my maroon suburban and took my basset hound and my pitbull to La.

I got a very shitty apartment in North Hollywood that my dad helped me pay for.

I got a job at Subway (yes the sandwich place) that I walked to because my car broke down.

Subway actually would have been an okay job except for that it was franchised by a group of angry Armenians that hated America and wore way too much cologne.

Plus subway wasn’t enough money to pay nine hundred dollars a month in rent. (Yes it was 900 a month for a one bedroom apartment in North Hollywood and that was a lot back then. We paid 1100 a month for a four bedroom house on five acres where I came from)

I wasn’t totally miserable. I couldn’t afford groceries even with my dad’s help. But I got free subway and my neighbor worked at Starbucks so she gave me free coffee. And I got a kitten that followed me to work everyday until I finally just took it home.

I had no friends though. Except for one poor misfortunate best friend that lived in a different city and had to listen to me whine everyday.

So. I wasn’t making enough money.

I did a few things to try and make more money. None of them were smart.

One of them was I got involved in film production. Which actually was kind of fun. I’d been a stage hand in my home town for theater. So I basically did that again for random projects. I was a ‘production assistant’ which meant I just ran around getting people whatever they needed. Or doing whatever anyone asked me to do.

It barely paid anything and I had to buss to random places, took me hours to get places for barely any money. So it was dumb. But kind of cool too.

I also did multi level marketing. Which wasn’t so bad.

I made a few grand doing that. Because I was highly motivated.

The guy that had recruited me was really hot. And I still hadn’t met any men at all in la. I’d still only had sex once in my life.

I did the mlm not for money, really just to chase this dude. I actually ended up making money but I didn’t get the dude.

A different girl that had joined to chase him around got him.

But!! The thing about mlms is there are a lot of hot guys in it. Because hot guys just actually end up making money at it.

Probably because they’re hot guys and a bunch of girls join to get them. Then guys join those girls to get the girls. And the cycle keeps repeating. Mlms are really just dating schemes.

I’m going to get really honest about my sex life now. Honest to a level only my best friend (who no longer speaks to me) has experienced.

I’m going to do it because I think it’s stuff men should know. Stuff they don’t know and this lack of knowing is damaging. And because I’m also of the opinion that the men of this time period are taking too much damage.

Ya’ll need some slack. So here it is.

When I moved to La I’d only had sex once. And I’d only had it because I didn’t want to be a virgin when I met a guy I wanted to date.

I didn’t want to be a virgin because being a virgin sucks. Sorry but it does. Having no experience. No comfort level with sex. No idea what to want or what to expect sucks. Massively.

The first time having sex sucked. Massively. It was painfully awkward. And!! Straight up actually painful as fucking hell.

Hurt super badly and continued to hurt super badly for days afterwards.

The guy I lost my virginity to, he wasn’t a bad guy. He felt just as awkward as I did because men seem to get their emotions from women. If we’re happy you’re happy if we’re awkward you’re awkward.

But I never spoke to that guy again.

Never at all.

Because it was an experience I just wanted to get over with and forget.

The next guy I had sex with only happened because he was pushy enough and I didn’t know how to say no.

And I did blame him. I hated him for the fact that I couldn’t say no. And the guy felt that hatred and felt very badly about himself.

But my hatred was coming from a very dire need and very deep insecurity.

I hadn’t had any other sex. I very desperately wanted a boyfriend and had planned my next time having sex would be with my boyfriend.

Giving into a guy I didn’t even want or desire made my self esteem plummet into the deep and dark depths.

Young girls usually have very low self esteem. Unfortunately these days it seems women in general have very low self esteem.

People with low self esteem are dangerous. They’re close to animalistic. They have very little or no self control and worse than that, no self awareness of their lack of control.

So men I’m going to tell you this and beg you to take it to heart.

Don’t be offended by wild animals. The women out there being completely unreasonable aren’t women. They’re just wounded wild animals. Pity them. Be as kind as you can to them. But don’t even bother resenting them.

What you should be more worried about is not becoming a wild animal yourself. Or maybe even becoming aware that you already are.

The next time I had sex it was a dream come true.

It was the mlm guy.

Now he was darling.

He had this great nose. Looked like a larger version of Jason Bateman’s nose. I love big noses on a guy.

And he was tall with really long arms. He smiled a lot. Not the kind of timid smile I was used to guys doing either, but the kind of smile people give when they are going out of their way to make another person feel welcomed and included.

He was also a great public speaker. Hot tip for men, if you want to get more girls get good at public speaking. Just having the confidence to talk honestly to a large group of people will attract a lot of women.

But anyway! My dream come true. A man I actually really liked was pursuing me. Which had never happened to me at that point.

Never.

Yes I was hot. I had good looks. Guy’s came after me just for that. But I was very shy and very awkward. Difficult to talk to. So I mostly got pursued by men that I didn’t like.

Because they’re the type that don’t notice awkwardness or aren’t put off by it. Men that aren’t put off by awkward women are usually just men that aren’t put off by any women at all.

Because they are just desperate to have sex.

Plus the only guys I’d ever crushed on in my life had been my coaches. I’d never liked a guy around my age where things were actually possible.

But the mlm guy was an actual person. He wasn’t a fantasy crush on a coach. He was real. It was actually possible. And he was actively pursuing me.

It was heaven upon the earth.

I really wasn’t that dumb at age twenty. I was very attuned to people. I could read them pretty easily and pretty quickly.

I only had sex with mlm guy two, maybe three times.

I could tell he didn’t like me. I think he wanted to like me. I think his intentions were good.

But like I said I was very awkward. Very hard to talk to. I had zero confidence.

He tried to be nice about all of it. Brush me off without hurting my feelings. And I let him. I brushed off and pretended my feelings weren’t hurt at all.

But it had done some damage.

My low confidence fell even lower.

My longing for a real boyfriend hit a wall. I lost the belief that I would find a boyfriend.

At least any time soon. I remembered the exact moment I calculated it. I was on the La bus system heading back to North Hollywood.

I thought maybe I won’t be able to like a guy again for a few months because I really liked him.

Then as I got off the bus to wait for the next bus and I felt the pain of rejection radiating from somewhere I couldn’t identify but was sure was a physical part in my body, I heard a little voice say, ‘a few months. No. It’s going to take years’

And I affirmed that. Yes. It’ll take years. I won’t meet any man I like for years.

That’s the belief I adopted. The belief I began to operate from. People should be really careful what beliefs they operate from.

What you believe possible is what will shape your behaviors, your goals and what you will do and won’t do.

Your beliefs build your psychology.

And I had just primed my brain to be invaded by porn psychology.

To finish this first part off, am I saying I regret doing porn?

No.

And yes.

No because I’m very happy in my life. And porn gave me a great deal of the things I currently treasure. I cannot regret it because of my gratitude for my life and everything that made my life what it currently is.

But yes because doing porn is still a dark and dangerous psychology to let yourself adopt. But I’ll get more into that later.

I’m going to now eat the beet/lentil/chicken soup I made.