Jess lanai

I’m not going to pretend this is something I am an expert in.

Im horrendous at flirting actually.

The best I can usually do is smile and then turn into a giggly little tomato.

But.

Being inept means you notice more than the talented people.

I was a theater kid. Not because I liked theater either. I mean now I love theater. But at thirteen years old my reason for theater was simply that I was so fed up with how freaking shy I was.

It was exhausting. I could hardly speak to anyone at all.

I wanted to get over it.

So I started auditioning at the local theater thinking I could shock myself out of my shyness.

I was very bad.

The first time I auditioned I shook and cried as I read the lines.

The next time I did a bit better. I didn’t cry I just shook.

By the third time, I still shook but they took pity on me and put me on as an extra.

What was it that made me so shy? It was just my temperament.

But what is shyness?

Many might be offended by my revelation and I’m not saying this is true of every person. But a portion of us are shy out of aggression.

Shyness is the conflict of wanting to please while also wanting to protect my own boundaries.

I’m not shy anymore. I’m very far from shy. I’m highly confrontational. Because I’m actually a very aggressive personality.

Unless.

I’m talking to a man I’m attracted to. Then that conflict comes up again.

The desire to please clashing with a need to protect boundaries.

When I find a man very attractive the desire to please him is almost overwhelming.

It can be so overwhelming that it can even create an aversion. I almost want him to go away.

That’s why the best kind of flirting relieves that pressure.

As a man you might wonder what you can do to relieve that pressure and make a woman feel comfortable.

There are some things you can do but, it is also something a woman needs to concur in herself.

Just as it is something a man needs to concur in himself.

Men often want sex so bad they forget they are just as afraid of pressure and that they also have boundaries.

They usually let women violate their boundaries to get sex. They endure women, they don’t experience them.

The pressure to be polite and accepted is something we get over as we age. We all start to realize we have other ways to be valuable other than just being liked.

We can even be disliked and still survive.

We start to get our own compass instead of having to borrow everyone else’s.

These blogs that I do, I have my own reasons for them. A complex mixture of reasons I’m writing.

And often people can love what I write or hate it or even not notice it at all and it won’t matter.

Because I have something I’m looking for that has nothing to do with anyone else.

I’m getting a gage of myself. I’m trying to figure out what I can do. What I can’t do. What makes me happy. What I can’t stand. What I get bored with. What keeps me engaged.

Those are your boundaries. You don’t just have another person to please you have yourself to please.

When you’re trying to flirt, you’re also looking for your own boundaries. What makes you excited to try flirting? What makes you actually want to engage?

It’s not always about the result you’re getting from the other person, you’ve got to get the result with yourself first.

You’ve got to get yourself feeling motivated. Feeling inspired and so excited you don’t care if you fail for a bit.

The way I got over my shyness was not with theater. Theater didn’t work. Neither did forcing myself to talk to people even when I was terrified.

I was fighting with myself. You cannot fight yourself. You will lose. Every time.

Your body and your self have needs. If you try to deny those needs they just disguise themselves and come out another way.

I got over my intense shyness by figuring out my own personal boundaries.

I think men have a much harder time with this than woman. Because we woman have some tricks up our sleeves to accommodate people without actually accommodating them.

Like if someone really wants to cross my boundaries I can make them think they did just to appease them and really I don’t actually care.

I can play really dumb or I can act like I just feel really sick. I have a million different tricks to keep my boundaries while also avoiding offending anyone.

But men seem to almost repress their boundaries.

Here are some actual concrete little tricks to be better with woman.

But you can’t take this advice too seriously.

Human beings are different. I could give you advice that’s the exact wrong advice with the exact type of woman you want and I could ruin it all for you.

That’s why you really should get a gage on yourself. Find out the type of things you can do and can maintain and actually enjoy so you’re flirting with the right people.

But here goes

Number one: get rejected.

To be honest it’s not very often that I find a man so attractive that I feel overwhelmed. It’s only happened a couple times.

But I still get shy at the idea of having to show interest to a man. Because then I will also be responsible for rejecting him if things don’t go well.

So one of the ways to relieve that pressure for women is to just be good at taking rejection.

A woman is much much much more likely to give you a chance if she knows it will be easy to reject you.

So give her opportunities to reject you. Give her your number instead of asking for hers. Invite her to group events instead of one on one dates.

(Disclaimer: This is not always true. Women are different. Some like very intentional interest and won’t consider you at all without it. That’s why you really need to know what you enjoy doing. So you’re having fun with it and it’s not a chore. These are just ideas)

Number two: have a sense of humor.

Not the kind where you are making jokes and trying to be funny.

But the kind where you can laugh instead of getting offended.

If a girl says something you don’t like or behaves in a way you don’t like don’t fall into the collective thought pattern of angry men on the internet.

You don’t have to like the girl. But have the flexibility to still joke with her. Tease her about her behavior or still express that you don’t agree.

If she has a melt down and starts being a bitch to you laugh at her. Don’t accept her as something you need to be offended by.

Be a bit lighter with life, let people be who they are and think how they want while staying confident in what you want.

Being offended is what people do when they are feeling desperate and like their options are limited. Stop thinking that way.

(The disclaimer to this is that some women actually like being offended and they like men who are offended. So if you really enjoy being offended don’t worry you’ll find people that want to be offended with you, so just keep striving)