Jess lanai

I’ve been told by just about every single person that I’m very genuine.

Genuine can be a polite way of saying not fake.

Or blunt.

I’m kind of bitchy.

But being bitchy is a good investment.

Why? Keeps me out of debt.

Because what is debt? Really?

Debt is a payment you have to pay later over time. It’s something that gets added onto the monthly amount you need in order to survive.

By being genuine I save myself a lot of compounding interest.

I don’t have to waste my energy keeping up with a cultivated image. I don’t have to pretend I’ve got more going on than I do. I don’t have to pretend I care more than I do.

Nor pretend I care less than I do.

If I get dumped by a man I like I don’t have to pretend it’s all good. In that moment I can be the pathetic desperate one.

I can be the failure that struggles to move on.

Because I will take the time to wrestle with my insecurity. To investigate it and cut back on the things I’ve over indulged and do the arduous work on the things I’ve neglected.

I’ll do it up front. Tackle the deep dark fears and take the time to find a solution so in the future I’m in a better position.

Or I could put it all off and go into debt.

Tell myself that I’m a bad bitch that likes being single and I’m superior anyway and I’ve got nothing to worry about. I’ll just find a better man later.

Then when I meet another guy, all my insecurities have been neglected and left to accumulate interest.

That’s how real debt works too.

You could buy that three thousand dollar couch (I don’t actually know how much a couch costs) outright or put it on debt so you can also go on vacation.

And then you could put that on debt, so you don’t feel strapped and you can still get coffee. Maybe go out to eat with friends.

What has all just happened is far more than just the fact that you’ve added two extra payments to your monthly survival requirements.

You’ve also increased your comfort. You’ve allowed yourself to feel more successful than you actually are.

And comfort compounds too.

Comfort is the ultimate inflation. It keeps getting more expensive. More consuming. More is needed in order to feel it.

Comfort is a dangerous and insatiable drug.

Men use porn for comfort. They get to feel like they have arrived at the top of the hierarchy without any women actually wanting them.

Women do it when they let their friends tell them they are a ten out ten. Instead of listening to the voice inside that needs an actual insecurity addressed.

People use debt for comfort. They don’t have to acknowledge that they don’t actually make enough money to buy a couch and go on vacation. They get to feel the power of having it all.

This is how I got out of debt.

I worked every single day until my debt was paid off. Every single day. About 70 hours a week. For five months.

The thing about working every single day is it’s maddening.

Goddamn maddening. And I’m already insane.

I was forced to concur my dragon of a temper. Not before I lost my temper enough times to get fired from one of my jobs of course.

But just by acknowledging I was screwed. That I needed to suck it up and work every day not only did I get out of debt I slayed a dragon in my life.

My temper was horrifying. The real, raw power I have acquired just by mastering my demon temper is a gained resource.

It’s a resource I can use on everything. I have more patience. Not just more than I used to, I now have more patience than most people have in general.

That kind of patience got me promoted. Because I now stand out and qualify for better jobs and I now make as much money working 48 hours a week as I did working 70 hours a week.

That’s the real problem with debt. That’s what debt actually costs you.

It’s costs you your resources.

Your resources are your actual power. The money you actually have left over.

The time you have because you don’t need to work as much.

The skills you gained because you faced the real problem.

Those are your resources. Debt uses them all up so you don’t have anything left over and you’re back to survival.

Back to the wheel that just keeps spinning faster.

I personally like to have a lot of freedom.

I like to be so good at my job that I don’t have to kiss ass.

I like my cost of living to be low so it’s easy to maintain.

I like to know I really did the best I could with another human being so I can be free to move on.

I like that if I ever want to act in a film again it can be because I just want to. Not because I need the money, the career or the status.

I don’t have to do what I’m not interested in with writing. I can try it my way and be free to fail.

This is a list of all my treasured resources.

Resources are worth having.

I’m not saying be some kind of penny pincher that saves all their money and never goes on vacation to Singapore even though they are totally broke like I did.

I’m saying don’t get the couch and go on vacation. Pick one.

I’m saying stop watching porn and go get rejected by a real woman.

Admit the man that dumped you made you feel insecure.

Beware of comfort inflation and don’t spend all your resources on debt.