Imagine you’re given a puppy.
But the puppy comes with a catch.
You can either take that puppy into your arms admire how cute it is then put it on the ground.
And kick it.
Kick it all the way down the street listening to it yelp until it runs off into someone else’s arms.
Or you can take the puppy into your arms, give it a cuddle. Take it home. Get a little attached to it. But in six months you have to kill that puppy.
This is my friend zone analogy.
As a man you might ask why you’re being compared to a puppy and the only choices are to kick you or kill you.
Because the game starts pretty much within half a second of meeting you. I know you want to sleep with me and I know I don’t want to sleep with you.
So you’re going to feel the pain and death of being friend zoned. And I’m going to feel like I kicked a cute little puppy down the street.
I’ve never friend zoned a man and then changed my mind later. I know some women that have. I have on some rare occasions been tempted to change my mind. But never have. Because.
I’ve never developed enough attraction. I adored the man perhaps. Perhaps even did have some attraction but it wasn’t enough.
Or even, had no attraction at all but over time some attraction developed it just still wasn’t ever enough.
I’ve killed a lot of puppies.
Men might wonder what exactly it is women get out of friend zoning them. I think I’ve heard men say we want the emotional support or we want attention.
I think we as woman friend zone men for the same reason men sex zone women. We have a need that men provide and we get it fulfilled thinking it’s just friendship, it’s not that big of a deal. Isn’t it nice having a friend? Why do you need to sleep with me anyhow?
And what is it men provide women you might ask? It’s difficult to describe. For me it’s sanity, safety, stability. I can honestly say it’s hard to function without good male energy around me.
I become a nightmare version of myself. A vile and nasty being. But if I have some good male friends or a boyfriend, or as I used to have, my dad. (He died) I stabilize.
You might ask what is it that makes me or any woman so sure she doesn’t want to sleep with a man? Why can’t I or she just try it?
I think about that a lot and I imagine it’s very similar to the things that make a man know he only wants to sleep with a woman but could never date her.
I used to think attraction was complex. That it was a magical and mysterious entity. That what I was attracted to was ineffable.
But I’ve paid attention over the years. Especially when I’m forced to friend zone a man I really like that I know really likes me. It’s not easy to do you know.
Be aware that a man genuinely adores you and have to turn him down and run back out into the dangerous wild lands of being single.
But I’ve never questioned it. Attraction is king. Some woman do disregard attraction.
I cannot.
Lack of attraction is a thing. It’s not an illusion invented by shallow minds. It’s not the conditioning of the world around us.
It’s an ancient system that allows itself to be updated. Which is the first fundamental rule of attraction.
Number one: the story
Every desire functions on a story. And what is a story? A story is the way your body translates emotions to your cognitive mind.
You have an experience you get a feeling and then your mind starts to create a little pattern of association and projection of the future.
I’ve noticed it’s the number one ingredient in attraction every time for me.
The development of the story.
A man looks me right in the eyes then looks away. He was a little cute I’m a little intrigued. But no big deal.
I see him laughing with his friends, he must be a fun guy. I’m a bit more interested now.
He’s into death metal. I don’t even like death metal but it’s not what I expected, I thought he’d like country. He’s more interesting now because he’s not in a predictable box.
He took the blame so one of his friends didn’t get in trouble, he’s actually a good friend for real. He’s not just fun.
All these little things add up into a story. And yes, it is a story we are telling ourselves not necessarily facts.
We have to develop our own discernment for the stories we are telling ourselves to get as close to the truth as we can.
But the story is needed for attraction.
I want to swap for a moment. Switch roles. Go into the sex zone men put women in.
All women have been put in the sex zone and if there are any women reading this I might lose my head for what I’m about to say.
But men need a story too.
You need to feel certain things and then have them translated back to your cognitive mind into a story about why you want to date a woman.
You can’t make yourself want to date a woman anymore than I can make myself want to sleep with a man.
This is the battle we are in with each other. It’s a part of life and it’s a part of the story. It’s a part of the development of discernment.
I have what you need you have what I need and we often try to steal it from each other or get it free of charge.
When people get rejected, whether it’s a man being friend zoned or a woman being sex zoned, they aren’t usually worried they were rejected on a false story. They are worried they were rejected on a true story.
So what I’ve noticed my body, that ancient part of the attraction system is reading and not being interested in, is people trying to cover up the true story.
You are not responsible for the stories people tell themselves about you.
But you do have to do your best to help people see the real story and most people don’t know their real story.
Insecurities, failures, your own unique toxic tendencies. People like complexity but lots of men that get friend zoned try so hard for that one note.
I’m a good guy that works hard. Great.
What else? Are you fun? What do you hate? What would you destroy if you could? What do you envy? What petty thing would make you capable of murder?
You’ve got to connect with that dark part of yourself because it has as much valuable information to the story as the good parts do.
Number two: trust
People really never understand what trust actually is. It’s not this moral oh you’re a good person, you do the right thing, thing.
Trust is brutal and primitive and so incredibly transactional.
You trust a person who is very very useful and can benefit you. Period.
There are three elements to trust that I’ve noticed. Especially when it comes to attraction.
Element number one: how big is your gap?
How far apart is the way you see yourself from the way other people see you?
Do you think you’re great at singing? But do you suck?
Do you think you’re being helpful? When you’re actually getting in the way?
These are tough questions to ask because you actually have to acknowledge how you are being received in real time. But it is a main ingredient in attraction. Because it’s a main ingredient in trust.
You can’t trust a person that can’t see reality because they are useless.
Element number two: can you recover?
If you are rejected. If you are ridiculed. If you fail. Can you recover?
If something doesn’t work, can you adapt?
This is an extremely useful quality that everyone wants in a partner because it is such a fundamental part of trust.
Element number three: what will you take?
This is the element of trust that I struggled with the most.
Because it’s the part where you have to be vulnerable and take a lot of risk. What you need from a person has a lot to do with how much they trust you.
People want you to need things from them. They want to be useful and have status because of it. They want to have the power and the safety of being essential to their environment.
Somehow, these days, both men and women seem to struggle with needing. Both just want to provide. But if you only provide you won’t get the full trust.
You actually have to give people power over you to an extent to get their full trust. Even in the attraction stage.
You have to be sad when you don’t see them. Realize where they are benefiting you and what you lose if it doesn’t work out.
Number three: pattern interruption
This one is my favorite and it’s something I’ve noticed very recently in what makes me very attracted to people. Or anything really.
People don’t want to get what they want. They want to be safe and to survive and not be in pain so it makes them think they want to get what the want.
But what they actually want is to get the thing they never thought they wanted.
Pattern interruption. The unexpected and surprising things that open up your mind to what you hadn’t ever considered before is an extreme kind of joy and pleasure that humans actively pursue.
In films, in books, in learning. In art. In gossip. In friendships.
We don’t want all of our assumptions and predictions and projections to be correct. We want them to be correct enough that we don’t fall into a fiery pit of suffering or doom, but other than that we like to be wrong and we like to be surprised and to discover new dimensions to ourselves and other people.
You don’t need to be someone’s type and you don’t need to find your type. People think they do because we’re looking for the story.
A way to make associates and choose something because otherwise we got nothing to go on. We don’t know what to do or where to go or where to start or what to think.
So we pursue comfort and familiarity just to get ourselves out the door. But it’s not actually what we want.
We don’t actually know what we really want. We just know we don’t want to utterly fail and die alone.
Guys that get friend zoned a lot often play it too safe by trying to follow the ‘right’ pattern. They try to do the ‘right’ thing.
They try to be what a woman wants.
We don’t want what we want any more than a man wants what he wants.
Men and women are exactly alike in this sense. We are both lost in the wild trying to make sense of our instincts and our drives so we go the right way.
But our instincts are just memories they don’t know the whole story that’s why they give a story to the cognitive mind so it can develop the rest of it.
6 responses to “Friend zoned.”
It’s an intriguing write up but I don’t buy it. Some of the longest lasting relationships I’ve seen have been friends first. Surely the “story” of someone can evolve & change..
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I don’t remember anything I said honestly. But to answer you on this, I think it depends on each person, but for me personally I already have a lot of friends. It’s very easy for me to find friends, I’m not looking for a friend in a man. Plus I know if I’m attracted or not to a man. I don’t really need to investigate it further if I’m not.
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This was honestly the best read I’ve personally had from you so far. Im going to read it another three times probably. I’m very aware you may never read this but I’m ok with that, because I’m writing this for me as much as anything. A few things clicked when I read this article, ahaa moments I guess.
I’ve been asking why the hell is this girl single??
It’s obvious you have some great qualities, you’re very honest about your faults. You’ve made some questionable decisions and been honest about that, no judgement we all have (know thyself), believe me, I have no right to judge. I think you really embrace the no regrets ideology. Where you consider every experience and decision right or wrong is an opportunity for growth. You are trying to honour that, your transversing the quagmire of emotions you so freely admit to having in constant rebellion. You consider things, digest it and you make some truely insightful observations and articulate that well.
I’m not interested in blowing hot air up your arse. I’m just being honest, if I believe something needs to be said, I’ll say it. I try to come from a place of kindness and honesty. Sometimes thay are at war with each other and the distinction between kindness and honesty blures.
I feel, you have this matrix going on in your head, where you are constantly making judgements about the men you meet. You question their sincerity , confidence and all the other qualities that makes them, them. Then you make a conscious decision about whether you’ll be able to feel secure in any type of connection with them. That makes sense to me.
Now heres my rant. I believe the reality is this, we are all either living the lie or we are living life eyes wide open, or at least mostly open.
what does that mean? To me living life eyes wide open implies authenticity, that term gets used to death these days but I’ll try to explain. To me being authentic is not easy, first of all it requires honest self reflection. The ability to look at the hard truths and confront the lies you let yourself believe. That doesn’t mean we live a life of total honesty all the time, I’m not sure that’s even possible. It means when we are made aware that we are lying to ourselves, we own that and except the changes we need to make and if we don’t, we’re honest about that.
Even though facing the confrontation within can cause us to turn inside out. Making the choice to do that allows us to grow, learn and evolve. I believe from my own journey that having this type of mindset will always lead to growth.
You will always make the tough choices in life and travel paths less travelled if you sincerely believe it’s right for you, especially if you have integrity in that choice.
living the lie, it’s pretty self explanatory. Really it means you are not being honest with yourself. Even when it is made known to you you’re not living authentically. Your so entrenched, you believe your own bullshit. Living the lie means you will never really discover all of you. Embrace the extent your capable of growing in to. You’ll never truely make your best version of self, reality. You will never sail those seas. Make that change, embrace your own imperfections, laugh at your own stupidity until you are authentic. You will never know the benefits of failure and rebuilding yourself from the ashes until you embrace the truth about who you really are. You will only ever take the safe route and be a lesser version of yourself.
I’m not implying I’m all of that and being self righteous. I’ve still got much to learn and a lot of personal growth to do. I’m still unpacking my bullshit, and no doubt will be till I no longer take breath.
I take take rest in the knowledge that I’m bringing about growth based on truths I’ve learnt about life and myself, that I have passion for. I embrace the essence of me and despite all my faults, I can live with myself.
what I am saying is that is what I believe. I have always fought for or tried to fight for what was right and excepted the hard truths about me.
Often doing that meant pushing myself to overcome fear, loneliness and self doubt. It’s been hard to stomach at times but I believe it’s the quickest and best way to personal growth.
ok now I’ve had my little excursion into the ahaa moment. I’m not trying to tell people how they should live , it’s how I believe I should live.
Again thank you for sharing. I apologise for my ramble, but not the sentiment that is real. Besides it’s your fault, you inspired me to write this😬
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Don’t apologize for your ramble, your ramble is much appreciated. I appreciate any of this just getting read through and commented on at all.
To your point on authenticity, I think we are currently living in a time where people suffer more for being inauthentic more quickly than they did in the past.
By that I mean it was easier to just be successful. Just follow a path and just get a result.
There wasn’t as much need for a larger percentage of people to use their problem solving minds.
That’s what I believe authenticity is. It’s when you don’t have anything to cover up because those deeper darker problems have been confronted and are being solved or there’s an attempt to solve them.
Like, as an example, let’s say I’m deeply insecure about my weight. But I avoid the insecurity and pretend I’m confident. Then when someone I really like says they won’t date me because I’m fat because I wasn’t being authentic with my insecurity I’ll have an over reaction and I’ll demonize the person who thinks I’m fat from a terror of facing that I myself think I’m fat.
Whereas if I was honest with myself that I was insecure the fact that I’m already trying to solve my problem would allow me to absorb the feedback as further motivation to lose weight.
But things have gotten so insane these days that being inauthentic is dangerous to your life.
And these days you really can’t just go to college get a degree and get a job. You have to problem solve a career, you can’t just autopilot it anymore.
The same goes for dating and even health nowadays as well.
So being inauthentic costs a lot more than it used to and is far more dangerous than it used to be because of how extreme things have gotten.
Authenticity is currently the only option to even have a chance at all in anything. We are in an age where we have no choice but to face our shit and at least attempt to problem solve it.
I really appreciate your comments, I also fell into a rant but reading your comment got me to thinking on why I try to be authentic.
That’s why. Because I want to at least have a chance.
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Thank you for your reply, I didn’t expect that.
You got me thinking about your last statement, “having a chance”.
Having a chance to me suggests, dealing with your own shit to gain authenticity, to me that suggests an evolution.
what do I mean by evolution? People compelled to evolve and address their insecurity’s rather than using it as an excuse to behave less. To be less than their potential. I don’t mean the expectations of society because I feel that has always been flawed. I’m talking about personal expectation. Recognising character traits like resilience and tenacity, courage, kindness and empathy possibly.
Potentially these and many more can be traits that are inherent. In others it might have to be learnt, either way it’s a choice if you bring them into existence.
Let’s say I choose not to be optimistic, what’s the trade off? Exactly what you said before, you won’t authentically recognise yourself or except yourself. Find your inner peace and balance in this world where character traights are the difference between self evolution or stagnation. In a world where people are gobbled up and spat out as shadows of who they should be.
I believe If I were to run a foot race coming 1st each time and receiving the ribbon or medal proving my ability. I can easily begin to identify as a winner, I start to think I’ll come fist every time. Until I get into a race with faster more competitive athletes who kick my arse.
At this point my identity as a winner is challenged. I loose my perspective of self, I’m challenged to the point that perhaps I realise I believed an untruth. Maybe I will never be the greatest at running. Perhaps I’m even at the bottom of the elite athletes list and will never be the best.
Am I no longer a winner?
The best? Perhaps not.
But what I am if I choose to be, is a person that finishes the race. Finishing the race is winning depending on perception. I have to adjust my view of identity, of what it means to win. What is the true lesson learnt here? My ability to adapt and still embrace the positive and the lessons I needed to learn.
I don’t need to come first to be a winner here, just finish the race. I learn to be resilient. Evolve and adjust. Maybe I just learn I suck at running and I try something else. Either way I’m winning, if I choose the attitude of winning not matter the outcome.
My older brother Steve was born handicapped. Mum had been given thalidomide by doctors when he was in her womb. Steve functioned as less but in reality he was more. What I mean by this, is that he was able to operate and function, with no gile, he supported and gave freely, loved, embraced, lived life from a place of complete authenticity. He was more, operating at full tilt even though he was less, he lived more.
Broken by his body and handicapped by epilepsy he still gave life his all. He died at 28 and broke my heart, but the gifts he gave me are treasures and I’m grateful for every moment i draw breath.
I feel you are right, just to survive we have to be more, being more is a part of being authentic, it’s an evolution of self.
You have a chance if you choose it and you are. I choose it too and life is more challenging as a result. To me authenticity isn’t the end result it’s all of it. The attitude of evolution, the realisation that you’re not being authentic, the journey to becoming authentic, the final result which ironically is rarely finial. Quite often it’s the beginning of another part of the journey to finding your authentic self. Does it end? I really don’t know and fail to see an end. Continuous evolution possibly?
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Also I’d like to say to your point on overcoming loneliness, fear and self doubt, I know think that to be a natural part of becoming authentic. I still have a ton of self doubt. I can’t say I feel lonely. I do feel very afraid a lot of the time.
Those are all emotions that we want to avoid. And being inauthentic means avoiding them without problem solving them.
Because self doubt and loneliness and fear are actually there to help us readjust ourselves. So the emotions are meant to be used.
Not always. Not everything is worth the bother of the time and energy to face. Some things can be ignored.
But that’s the problem solve we all design for ourselves. What to ignore and what to pursue. What should be just avoided and what’s worth facing. And it’s incredibly hard to problem solve that stuff. Especially when before people could just follow a path and kind not have to bother problem solving to that degree.
But now I think times are so different that we have to do that stuff again. And it makes life hard. Really cool but hard too. You go through the natural rough patches and eventually get a feel for yourself and what works for you and then life gets way easier and way more fun.
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