I did two interviews for my part in the Mektoub film which was released in France on December 3rd.
Most all the people that know of me aren’t going to have any idea what Mektoub is. It is worth looking up all the controversy. The making of Mektoub is even wilder and weirder than the film.
But this particular post isn’t about Mektoub. It is about the reason most people reading this do know of me.
I was, I guess, a decently successful porn star.
What do I qualify as decently successful? My first year in porn I was nominated as best new starlet and my second year in I was nominated as female performer of the year.
So at the very least I was ‘successful’ enough to be put on a few lists with other very successful names.
I might’ve ridden the porn waves for a good decade before I hit the wall and died there. But I quit in my third year.
Both the lovely ladies that interviewed me for the Mektoub film asked the porn questions. But I wasn’t allowed to talk much about it.
The press handling Mektoub preferred I keep the porn off center, not let it be the focus. Which is perfectly fair. The focus is the film Mektoub, not the fact that I did porn before it.
But most people do want to know about the porn. So here are the three most common questions I get asked about porn.
Number one: why did I start porn?
Boys. I was boy crazy. Am boy crazy. Will likely always be boy crazy. It’s possible I’ll be a creepy old lady someday.
I love men.
And porn men are a breed apart.
Casual sex is actually not possible for most men. (I said what I said) because most men can’t stay casual without devaluing the woman.
Men generally need to feel the woman is beneath to be able to keep sex casual.
But porn men have a different relationship with sex. It is a service as much as it is a need. They are doing a job and part of that job is to make the women around them feel comfortable.
Porn men treat the woman they sleep with as nicely as a regular man treats his girlfriend. With that much care and consideration.
I’m not going to lie, that was very nice and for a bit very fun.
Second most common question: Were you ever coerced?
A couple people did try to coerce me a couple times. That did not go over so well for them. At that age my emotions were extreme and if I thought I sensed actual intentional manipulation I ripped off heads.
Is there coercion in porn? That’s a very complex subject matter that requires a very thoughtfully crafted blog of its own that I will eventually write.
But was I personally ever coerced? No. Not at all. I did many things in porn I deeply regret. But I chose to do them all on my own.
Third most asked question: why did I quit porn?
I quit porn for the very same reason I started porn.
Boys.
A side of boys I’d never know. The side of men where there is flirting, uncertainty, vulnerability and feelings.
Where there is something really at stake. The environment is not controlled and people can really get hurt.
I was 21 when I started porn and almost 24 when I quit. My sex life at the time was like a lot of young girls. Entirely mechanical.
Whether or not they do porn or only fans, young girls these days receive an incredible amount of pressure to have casual sex. I call it mechanical sex.
My porn life actually doesn’t much compare to the private sexual lives of most young girls today.
I would advise most young women to limit their casual sex. Id say the same thing to most young men too.
I don’t believe casual sex is very good for maturing. I think it’s actually damaging and can stunt development. But that’s another complex subject matter that requires its own post.
This post is just about why I quit. Not porn in general. Not people in general. It’s about me. My reason.
I quit porn because I was at a party once and a boy there gave me butterflies.
And I realized I’d never had butterflies and I was missing out on an entire universe by just having casual sex on camera where there were no feelings and no challenges to me as a person.
I had the exact thought that if I didn’t get out, if I didn’t quit, I was knowingly damaging myself and it became impossible for me to continue in porn. Or in even have sex at all for years.
Jess lanai 
54 responses to “Why did I quit porn?”
What a perceptive and honest account. Thank you.
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applause is needed. Always wondered what happened to her. She’s beautiful and has a glow about her. I read she had a child. Hooray for her!! Live your life. Maybe one day we will run into each other have coffee or milkshake m, yes I said milkshake 😎🤗😁
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Who had a baby? I’m a rather introverted person if you run into me and I’m in an introverted mood I’ll likely be rather unfriendly. I’m not even nice to friends if I run into them 🤣
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It’s great that you’re posting your photos here and responding to the comments. After years of admiring you in adult videos, it’s so nice to receive a response in a message. You did a great job in the movie,
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I did go through a period of perhaps a couple years or so where I was unable to talk about the porn because o was so worried I’d be ostracized by my current life if people found out. But I got over that with the help of Mektoub and my last boyfriend and also the last guy I had a big crush on helped me a lot. So now I love to talk about it and interact with people.
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Thanks SO much for responding to posts. I’ve admired your videos because I felt you brought a certain amount of authenticity. Ann the fact that you’re definitely my type didn’t hurt either. I figured you were just a good actress, now I realize you’re both a good actress AND authentic. Glad to hear you’re still around and seemingly doing great. Take care of yourself. And by “take care” I mean both mentally and physically. You seem like an amazing person!
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Thank you for this nice post it, I appreciate it. Yes I’m doing pretty well. I’m a good actress in the sense that I can’t be fake because I emote a lot I suppose. I am trying to take care of myself
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Cool
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butterflies indeed. When it happens nothing like it because most times it doesn’t last but when find it and it literally doesn’t go away then wow! It takes courage to have it and risk losing it but that’s why it’s so special
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I haven’t read this post in a while so I think you mean the butterflies I felt with the actor? I think my point was that porn kills butterflies because it’s so safe and unromantic, purely sex, and it was ruining me which is why I had to quit. But I didn’t get to feel butterflies again until two or three years after I quite and met my first boyfriend
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butterflies indeed especially when it last
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Remember to vote Republican this year babes
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I’m about to make you very mad but I’m not registered to vote and I never have been once in my life. 🫣
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Nice to see you’re doing well and that all you did, entering and leaving, was by your choice and not by something that pushed you into that direction. Best of luck to you.
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Thank you for wanting me to do well and yes it was all my own choice on both decisions.
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I accidently came across this and I’m glad I did. It brings me joy to see you are doing well and flourishing outside of porn. You were on of the ones that always showed authenticity on camera & brought joy. Like it wasn’t fabricated. There’s only a few with those type of skills.
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Thank you for the compliment and for being happy I’m doing well. I think that’s likely because most women just work really hard to survive so they become very self conscious. Especially in something as revealing as porn. I was much less self conscious
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A beautiful read. Very intellectually put. I do hope one day you can get into the “regret” of things you did inside of porn. Until than, May your life be filled with abundance, joy, and every success.
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I actually use to regret having done porn. But I’ve sort of realized there’s no such thing as regret. There’s just consequences and wishing we didn’t have the consequences. And some consequences aren’t even real. They are being projected. They’re just assumptions or associations.
But I wonder if you mean you hope I feel guilt.
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No, not at all. I was referring to you saying ” I did many things in porn I deeply regret”. So I was curious on what those “things” are or could be.
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Ah!! I see what you mean now. There were scenes I didn’t want to do but mostly it was people I didn’t really want to work with. But I was too polite to just say no. I have done many things in my life out of politeness. I do wish I hadn’t, politeness is a terrible reason. But it’s common for young girls.
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I became a fan of you because of your girl-next-door look; it was refreshing, with very little makeup in most of your work. It wasn’t the cookie-cutter look that women rock in porn. Always too much makeup. Do you wish you hadn’t done porn? Damn girl, you were good at it. What I love about your journey is that there is life after porn; you’re proof of that. Glad you feel butterflies again; that’s so beautiful.
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I did for a while wish I hadn’t done it. But that’s when I was worried about getting a boyfriend. Now I know I had some personality flaws that porn actually helped me correct so I’m actually grateful I did porn. And it was fun, I had a good time. And it also gave me a lot of my friends and it gave my Mektoub film and every boyfriend I ever had was due to having done porn. So I actually am very grateful now
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You comment was revealing,i can tell you are an intelligent woman with excellent written skills, do you intend to continue acting ? If so your old career will be made to you.How would you answer those questions ?I am pleased you gave up smoking (did you find it difficult) I wish you well,take care 🙂
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I haven’t pursued acting and I’d only act again if it felt special in a similar way Abdellatif’s films did. Basically I might do it as a hobby or project now and then but not a career. Quitting smoking was impossible until I realized what I used smoking for. When I figured that out, it wasn’t hard.
I just needed to do the things I wanted to do without associating it with smoking. So I just switched the associations and it was easy.
And thank you very much for the well wishes
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Thanks for the reply,I read you visited London how did you find it.Americans i have met have been pleasantly surprised how was your experience ? TC.
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I adored London. I had so much fun there. I went with a friend that used to live there though so I was very well taken care of. She knew what to do and where to go. But I can’t wait to go back someday. I’d like to see the country as well
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You are good at answering questions but you are intelligent ,i wonder if you are being totally honest ? Porn was a good earner for you,I have just seen a clip of the film and you are doing a sex scene ,i thought there was no nudity in it ? Of course that raises questions of the Director wanting you to lose weight ??? I Know you are intelligent but there is connection there ,i know you have weight issues so have the rest of us ….Mike
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I am being totally honest. It is my strength to a fault actually. And yes in the Abdellatif film I had a sex scene but my sex scene was fake, and I am naked in the film a couple times. Yes the director asked me to lose weight. But it was less about how I looked and more about making me do something very challenging. That was just his method. He had me not eat for long periods of time and had me work out extremely hard. But it was more about achieving a certain emotional state than it was about getting a certain physical look. I’d say I lost about twenty pounds but I lost it in a very short amount of time.
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I’m sorry i used abrupt language, TC Mike
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I don’t recall abrupt language but thank you anyhow
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I made some some comment in my last message to you,your family life is none of my business and you seem to cope very well with life TC Mike 🙂
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Do you get many women who follow you ? I have no agenda with this question ,i just think there comments would be useful Take care Mike
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I only have one woman that has commented on my posts so far that I know of. Some people don’t state their gender but most do.
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I have just watched some of your work you did as a porn actress they are very graphic I am sure you were recompensed for them but the person i am speaking to now is an intellectual how do you think any work you had published would sit with your porn work ? I also stated yesterday that your Dad dying and when you stopped doing porn coincided is that a connection.
If you had written work published you are going to have to cope with answering if there any connections .I did not realise that tbis is adult site i tried to access it yesterday but where i was Adult sites were not allowed.Yes you are an intelligent thoughtful person but be prepared for some difficult questions,best wishes Mike
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I think the porn will sit very well if I ever manage to become a published writer. There is a layer of trust I have access to because of the porn. It’s not the traditional kind of trust most people think of consciously.
But when people have a dark place in them that is harder to show the public, the fact that I did porn put that’s aspect of a person more at ease. And they are more inclined to be more vulnerable with the dark parts in them. Which is very good for writing.
And I’m used to dealing with difficult questions and insults. It’s kindness and acceptance that is more dangerous and can overwhelm me and be more than I can handle.
Thank you Mike
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Thank you for a full and frank answer,i wish you well in all things Take care Mike
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I had no right to make comments about rights and happiness of people who appear in Porn movies i have no knowledge so i am sorry if they caused you upset .
Some such as Carter Cruise really expresses views i like and respect such as her views Palestine and the whole situation in the Middle East .
Everyone in porn has there own reasons for doing what they do .I made a crude analogy about Lana Rhoades and yourself,i did not know what i was talking about.
You are decent person.Take Care Mike.
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You are intelligent enough to cope with whatever comes your way 🙂
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That’s a nice thing to say but even if I am intelligent, intelligence isn’t always the right tool
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I Meant nothing more than you seem intelligent,i think i have misrepresented myself to you i want nothing more than a clear understanding of your life in the hear and now,I have focused too much on your past,
The past is so common to all of us,i can’t change my past just as you can’t change yours so touche .
There is someone on Twitter,who worked in porn in the 90’s Vanessa Chase she writes about her life now a long term marriage children,and writes about her interests now she writes very well,and in a clear way intersperced with musical videos which are very interesting.
Anyway take care,Mike.
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I am going to make statement on my attitude towards Porn,some years ago i went to see a film Salo Directed by Pier Paolo Passolini on one level it was fantastic loads of nubile naked women But on seeing it saw something else A group of Fascists holed up in the Salo republic in Italy They take scores of pretty young woman to their chateau and make merry with them very graphic on one level this works but on another level it does not The Director was a left wing director and he makes his points very clear.
My point the film works because you side with the oppressed ….So my attitude towards porn is i get it it keeps you wanting to see it but on a deeper level i don’t get it because it keeps you in the pit ,I find your writing and outllook refreshing anyway take care Mike .
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Ive read the plot to that film, it’s pretty graphically disturbing film, pretty much considered a horror I think. But I do know what you mean on porn.
I do think porn can be very dangerous for men. I think it’s the times that make it so dangerous. If it was just something on the side now and then whatever. But men are now using it for their entire sexual lives, which is very dangerous of course.
People that make porn are not oppressed. Of course some are. But most of it is just a job people are being paid for. But it’s easy money so it does attract unfavorable characters as well
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In the article you said your first boyfriend was after porn, so where u a virgin before you did porn? what was ur sex life like before porn?
Also, I know you dont think of it as regret, but if you could go back, would you do things differently?
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Before I did porn I had sex a total of five times with three different men. Desperation for sex was a large portion of the reason I got into porn. I felt hopeless to ever finding a boyfriend. If I hadn’t felt hopeless I wouldn’t have done porn.
I don’t know. I suppose yes, I’d have preferred to have just fallen in love and gotten married. But I was pretty volatile as a person I think the porn actually helped me overcome some of my darker personality traits. So it’s hard to say.
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I hope you lead a happy life miss Jess
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What was your sex life Like before porn, you said your first boyfriend was after porn, where you a Virgin before porn?
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i think i will take a break from this,just a brief remark,have you sent any of your writing to publishers and if so what has been the response,it would be interesting to know.
Mike.
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Hi Mike, I’m going to go through and respond tonight or tomorrow. It’s been a very hectic couple weeks so I’ve had much less time but I appreciate your comments, they give me more insight and I appreciate the conservation. I’ll have more time now so I’ll respond. I do wonder, are you okay Mike? From past comments I wonder if you have stress in your life right now
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Hi Jess,thank you very much for asking if i am Ok,i have assorted worries .I will go into them another time,nothing major just things that that need sorting out
You have a way of seeing through the superficial and getting into whats real,
You have a gift for asking serious questions.
Thank you very much for asking if i am OK,it says a lot.
Best wishes,Mike.
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Hi Jess,You are a success story you write well, can communicate your feelings and generally get on with your life.
I am pleased you have moved on in your life.It is very true that people with issues,will have issues in their work.
You have given me a clearer insight into the world of porn.You write in a clear concise manner.
Take care Mike.
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Hi Jess.
I’m genuinely pleased that you quit porn successfully. As a consumer of it, I’m conflicted about it: if there weren’t consumers, there wouldn’t be content. I was interested to read that there were things you regretted about porn. Does that include any specific scenes? Or whole films? I’d find it interesting to know from your perspective, but I understand if you’d rather not revisit those scenes or films. As for London, I’m glad you enjoyed it here. I’m a born and bred Londoner and have lived here most of my life. If you ever return here, I’d be happy to suggest a few places you may have missed on your first trip.
Kind regards, Joe
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These days I don’t regret having done porn because I did get a lot out of it. So I’m grateful I did it in ways. But for a while it did hurt my self esteem a bit and I did fear never finding a man. Now I know my low self esteem did not come from porn, I had that before I did porn. And it’s natural. Lots of girls start out with low self esteem, it’s natural growing pain. And as for getting a man, I would have struggled with that whether or not I did porn. Doing porn simply delayed my development. So I matured much slower than I would have if I hadn’t done porn. And yes there are some scenes out there that I do regret specifically. I was too polite to stop the shooting and say I actually wasn’t comfortable and I wish I had. But there’s not very many. I mostly enjoyed my porn career. And even the scenes I didn’t enjoy it wasn’t traumatic or anything.
I was just too polite to stop the scene and say I actually changed my mind on doing it.
I just finished them instead. It wasn’t worth finishing them and letting them be out there when I didn’t even enjoy them, but it’s not the end of the world to me. Thank you! I loved London I’ll definitely go back!!!!
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Jess,Porn was a part of your life 10 years ago.Yet it still plays an important role in your thinking.In a previous post you mentioned guys you worked with all being relaxed and treating it as a job.Have you thought about their partners and loved ones if they felt the same way.
You write clearly from your perspective,But there is a nagging doubt about the general outlook.Porn is mass industry people before you and people after you.
It is good you are writing this,maybe it is this that will get you published.
I don’t want to disparage your writing but it pnly comes from your perspective.
You are 10 years away from it,fair play .
It is great you have a life now,but with your writing skills you could tell a real story but see the other point of view.
Mike.
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