This is one of my fun posts.
A fun post is a post I just post because I feel like it.
A post where I allow myself to be messy and ramble on a bit because it can help clarify thought so that next time I write about a subject I know more what I’m talking about.
Every time I write something, whether it’s fiction or nonfiction, I have a choice between two ways I can present information.
One way leans into writing as a skill. Writing as a skill gets a bit more complex. There’s all sorts of ways to practice getting fancy writing skills that when executed correctly are cool and a great way to show off.
The other way leans into writing as a form of thinking and communication.
The first way is a lot more aware of perception the other way is less aware.
The reason the first way is so aware is because it wants to be a good writer, therefore it wants to be perceived as a good writer.
The reason the second way is less aware of perception is because it’s more focused on function. Perception only matters to the degree that something can be understood.
It doesn’t need to be agreed with or praised or often even right or wrong. It just needs to accomplish clear communication.
There’s a lot less pressure on the second type of writing.
Hence this blog.
I would say that this blog is the least vulnerable way I can share my writing. Even though I’m sharing vulnerable facts about myself, they are facts. I don’t have to manipulate anyone’s perceptions. I just have to communicate the facts in a thoughtful way.
And it’s all facts of my choosing. Even the not so pretty facts I share on here are things I’ve already worked through and embraced.
It’s not that hard to share them.
Which is good. Practicing basic function and communication is a fundamental of getting better at writing.
Because people are smart. They can tell when there is an attempt to manipulate and they do not like it.
So when people spend all their time trying to be good at something instead of first learning how to function at something, they will come off as assholes that nobody likes.
That’s the hardest thing about writing. Is letting go of trying to be a good writer.
To focus on simply telling the truth as clearly and as efficiently as possible.
For all I complain about not having a boyfriend, I have been very lucky with men.
They all came into my life at the exact time I needed them and gave me exactly what I needed to grow.
By grow I mean I was severely under developed in certain areas and they helped me develop those areas.
Like, my poor first boyfriend had to deal with my messiness (I was bad) and my inability to communicate basic needs.
After him there was this guy I got a huge crush on and he had to deal with my paralysis when it came to flirting.
Then there was the guy that had to deal with me coming to terms with the fact that I could no longer do casual relationships. (I cried a lot)
Then there was my second boyfriend. He got lucky, I was pretty cool with him. He helped me quit smoking.
Then there was my most recent man who I’m still a little hung up on so I don’t want to talk about him.
The point is, I’ve been lucky to have had relationships with men that have helped me.
And when it came time to let these men go, they were all very kind about it. They made me feel cared for and appreciated.
My relationships with women on the other hand have gotten messy.
With women friendships there’s never been a calm farewell. Thank you for your contribution to my life but alas, farewell.
No.
It goes nuclear.
And at the end I feel discarded. Entirely devalued and like they’ll tell everyone everything is my fault and everyone will believe them.
Which can be extraordinarily painful. Because I do put a lot of effort into my friendships. When they end like that, it makes me feel as though I wasted all that precious effort and lost all that precious time. I feel rather gross about it even into the levels of feeling degraded.
I really like that Dr. k dude. But I don’t like calling him Dr. k.
I’m calling him Kanojia. Kanojia is a cool name.
I’ve been listening a lot to Kanojia and I just watched the episode titled ‘why had introverts struggle with charisma’.
I don’t want to go too into just because the revelation was so crazy, I think it should be watched and experienced without my trying to summarize it or explain it.
But it did make me realize why my fights with women can be so bad.
That I am perhaps the bitch.
I’ve realized that when it goes nuclear with a woman, I’m not the one being discarded.
The way I made them think of themselves is what is being discarded.
Do I feel any responsibility in how I make someone think of themselves?
In the past I would have said no.
Now I say yes. I do feel responsibility. If I care about a person and I take them on as important to keep in my life, I do have some responsibility in helping them feel good about themselves.
In making them feel comfortable and confident around me. And in making them feel safe to share the things they aren’t comfortable or confident with.
I do have my vulnerable points.
The things I’m deathly afraid are true.
But even the things I’m most afraid of, I’m not afraid of them all the time.
A lot of the time I’m living my life and having a blast.
When someone I like stops my heart by reflecting back to me the things I’m most afraid of, I’m not going to react to it calmly at first.
I’m going to freak out.
If the other person also freaks out then it just turns into a giant freak out fest. (The bad kind)
But if someone can instead offer a bit of patience and reassurance, not false reassurance, just the calm of even if it’s truly bad and doomed we’ll still work through it and survive.
If a friend can do that, it helps so much.
As I struggled to translate what I’m thinking to myself and other people while writing this, I’ve realized what this post is really about is.
It’s about how to not be a bitch.
And how I’ve slowly figured out how to not be a bitch.
So that is a blog I will write next time I post for fun.
Jess lanai 