Jess lanai

I’m currently posting for fun.

By fun I mean have no goals or pressures until I start my next challenge next week.

I can therefore go at my own pace and just do whatever I feel like doing.

But this particular post I do feel a bit obligated to do.

I don’t yet think very much about the people reading my blog.

Because I’m still in a phase of writing where I need to practice and experiment. Gain basic confidence and learn basic communication. Which means I’m not super keen to have a lot of people reading.

But I do have an obligation.

Not as a writer.

I have an obligation as a former porn star. Because it has come to my attention that women who are ashamed of having done porn might read this.

I’ve been in that darkness before and I do feel entirely obligated to share my ways out of that darkness.

So this is going to be directed towards women.

Lots of girls who do porn will regret it.

And they will regret it because porn is shameful.

But why is porn shameful? Is it just a conditioning of society?

Unfortunately I don’t think it’s that simple. It hits something deeper than just all the noise that’s happening on the surface.

Because even if no one ever knew I did porn it’ll still create a bit of a black hole.

A place where my confidence fell through and got trapped.

But porn isn’t the only thing that causes this kind of black hole. Lots of things cause it.

Marrying the wrong man would cause it. Working eighty hours a week in a boring job would cause it.

Kissing the ass of person we hate would cause it.

That’s one thing that’s helped me process porn. It’s not the only circumstance I couldn’t have gotten myself into that made me feel bad about myself.

A very large percentage of the population of human beings have the same black hole of shame.

Theirs just might be more accepted.

We do judge ourselves. We have to judge ourselves. Because we have to gage how much we trust ourselves or how much we need to get around ourselves.

I can tell myself I’m going to get up at 5 and go to the gym all I want. Every time I don’t do that I lose confidence in myself.

Or. I start learning how to manipulate myself to the world.

Or. I start learning how to manipulate the world to myself.

The real question is what is it that is at war within us? Why don’t we just do what we plan to do?

There’s a lot of spiritual answers to that and a lot of religious answers. A lot of scientific answers. A lot of philosophical answers.

But this is how I answer it for myself from a standpoint of just achieving some peace.

The part of me that wants to sleep in, the part of me that chose the easy way out and did porn. The part of me that is reckless and impulsive and lives every moment like it’s the last, that part is protecting something important.

So I have to appease it to a degree.

What porn girls don’t know is that they would have never escaped insecurity even if they never did porn.

Dating and love and men, it’s all hard no matter what.

Whether you do porn. Whether you don’t do porn. Whether you’re married. Whether you’re not married.

It’s all hard. There’s no escaping hard. Most porn girls who regret having done porn think they’ve made some kind of irreparable mistake that will forever doom them.

It won’t.

And that idea seems to be a temperament among women. A kind of personality trait I’ve noticed. They all go through a stage of feeling doomed no matter what they do.

No circumstance ends up saving them from themselves.

Because insecurity, doubt and terror, those are all necessary growing pains.

Another very natural growing pain for women that the me too movement sort of touched on, but in such an extreme way that nobody listened, is the suggestibility women go through when we’re young.

It is difficult for a young girl to fully consent because we are so wired to be pleasing to protect ourselves.

It’s so natural for a young girl to default to pleasing when she’s anxious or feeling pressured. The instinct is so quick and overwhelming. It’s very difficult to fight.

So women will rack up a lot of shame. By doing a lot of things they didn’t want to do. By trying too hard to make everyone like them. Especially men. Not because we need attention. It’s just a survival instinct.

A very intense one to avoid violence. If you please a man he’s not going to kill you. That’s not you thinking that, that’s your instincts thinking it.

It can be as involuntary as jumping when we see a snake slithering by.

But we don’t need to blame men for this. Or make everything sexual assault.

It’s just instincts conflicting with a new environment. Most of the time we are completely safe in saying no.

Men probably even go through this to a degree too. When we’re young there is a stronger desire to please people that cannot be helped or controlled.

It’s a natural part of life and evolving in life. It’s not meant to be easy.

That’s the black hole. The things we do because we felt pressured, obligated or even forced into by circumstance.

And the black hole is very well tied to sexual market value.

To the idea that we could have done better but didn’t because we plummeted our sexual market value.

It is a huge source of fear for not all women, but for a percentage of women for sure.

Not because we get all our value from men. Not at all.

Because of the real world cost.

A good masculine man that we deeply desire and deeply loves us is a huge component of what a lot of women want in their lives.

Missing out on having that huge component to our lives is a massive loss.

So sexual market value is a cause for concern.

So much so that we will naturally have large amounts of insecurity and anxiety attached to it pretty much no matter what we do.

Especially if we are like me. Who is incredibly dependent on other people. On having strong friendships and good coworkers and having male energy around to even fully function

Without good coworkers, without good friends, without male energy around I’m a wreck of a human being.

Does having done porn actually lower sexual market value?

Yes and no.

Yes because it will disqualify you from the eyes of a very large percentage of the male population and a percentage of that population you would have liked.

So you will be rejected by people that you really like because of what you did in the past.

But no, because men don’t actually care that much. They think they do, but what they really care about they don’t understand.

They care about what we as women care about. What we will abandon all of our rigid ‘rules’ for.

They care about not being bored. About being overwhelmed with desire and feeling on fire and fully present with a person. Because that person is so much fun and so engaging and makes them feel like they can be themselves.

Whores are good at that. Desire. Engagement. Making people feel comfortable and confident around them. At leading with their humility instead of their pride. At being free of the opinions around them and living as they feel. At being fully present with the people around them. At giving love and affection and attention. At abandoning judgement and rules and experimenting with what is right and what is wrong. At letting things go all the way the dangerous edges.

Men love whores even though they don’t often want to admit it.

To increase their sexual market value most people do boring things.

Like obsess over the gym. Become successful. Make a lot of money.

All those things are good things to do.

They are good things to have for a stable life and therefore a stable relationship.

But they can become black hole things. Things we do to manipulate ourselves to the world just so we can get by.

We can achieve a standard instead of our standard.

I was not overcome with desire to do porn.

I settled for it.

I needed sex. I needed money. I needed something to do. I was young and suggestible and porn showed up. So I did porn.

I’m overcome with desire to do writing. Not to make money from writing or have a career from writing.

To do writing.

Of course it can be unrealistic. I still need to make money. I still need to have a career. Those are necessities.

So writing is a hobby. But it’s fine as a hobby because it generates some genuine engagement and fulfillment in my life.

Porn did not. It met some necessities. Money. Sex. Something to do.

So if you as a human being only work on the standard of the sexual market value. Like for a woman let’s say it’s, you look good. You have a low body count. You’re young. You’re nice.

Those are just the standards. They aren’t what make a person fall in love.

You can be a porn actress and have all the qualities that make a person fall in love.

You can be a virgin and have none of the qualities that makes a person fall in love.

The qualities that make people fall in love and feel on fire come from making mistakes. From doing the wrong things and surviving the things you shouldn’t have. From learning the kinds of empathy you can only learn by having been entirely rejected by society.

Doing everything right and living up to every sexual market value standard does not create much desire anyhow so stop worrying about it so much.