Jess lanai

I think most people probably know who Jane Austen is. There are a lot of famous films based on her books.

The films don’t have quite the same effect as the books do for me. The films always felt very satirical. Jane Austen writing in her own words never felt satirical to me. It always felt educational.

Like a little window into the minds of men and the qualities they like in women.

My ex best friend and I used to get into shouting arguments over the men in Jane Austen books. Which ones were being assholes and which ones weren’t being assholes.

Men are very difficult.

The way men operate is very mysterious.

They can be very mischievous. Always testing boundaries.

Sometimes the same man will be very nice to me and then when that doesn’t work he’ll switch strategies and just try to poke holes in my confidence.

It can all be very confusing because it can make me think a man likes me but half the time I think men are just experimenting.

Just trying to see what works and what doesn’t work. Which buttons on which women get which results.

It’s like they’re just building a database.

I think experimenting is natural. And all men should do it.

But it’s not going to go over well with women all the time.

If I like a man and it turns out he’s just experimenting I’m going to get my feelings hurt.

If I don’t like a man and he’s experimenting I’m going to lose my patience because it’s just honestly very annoying.

If I really don’t like the man and he keeps trying to experiment on me, I’m going to probably try to find a way to remove his head.

But men should keep experimenting.

Because it’s natural and it’s essential. How else would you ever get anywhere or accomplish anything if you try things that piss a lot of people off?

It’s better to be the asshole.

I’m very good at being the asshole.

I’m impatient. I’m highly driven and therefore pretty aggressive. I’m very easily irritated by people I don’t like. And even though I’ve gotten a much better handle on it, I am emotionally volatile.

I’m an asshole personality.

I’ll act, then think. Then often apologize.

But I’d rather be the asshole that tried and made mistakes and offended people than the polite person that stayed in the corner.

This is day 30. I’m now going to spend a week maybe two only posting when I feel like it.

Then I’ll start my next little blog challenge.

This has been a very good exercise of getting a bit more comfortable and therefore confident. But now I’d like to get a little more precise.

Which is why I picked my next challenge. One week of only working on one subject and making it have a presentation and a point.

For me the hardest thing about writing, and what I like most about writing, is getting out of the abstract.

I love to get all introspective inside my head where ideas are just floating about without any details to them. Where they are more like feelings that are very vaguely relating to something real.

But writing for other people to read forces me out of the feeling and into thinking about the actual facts.

Which I need. So I don’t stay locked up in my own head and become an insane person.

What I’ve learned from writing is that if I can’t communicate something in a way that other people can also understand it, it just means I don’t understand it myself. I’m still in the abstract feelings place. There isn’t any solid logical knowledge to it yet.

A lot of writing is just helping myself understand things, then communicating becomes very easy.