I have spent most of my life feeling like an asshole.
Because I am a bit of an asshole.
My filter can be very bad.
People irritate me very easily.
Lots of men have crushed on me and I’m very brutal when I reject them.
I do not leave hope. I crush it and then I smear its guts everywhere.
When I decided to do another friend zone post I had an actual point and reason why.
I do not remember what my point was exactly.
Only that there are many instances when I marvel at how different the male mind must be.
There is a very interesting split that seems to happen in men when they really like a girl.
It’s like there’s a part of their brain that they are used to using gets switched off. Or maybe the parts they aren’t used to using get switched on.
Not sure which it is but men do think differently when they really like a girl.
One way I can tell a man really likes me is he gets all bossy. It’s usually on little things. A man stops nodding along and tuning out. He starts to listen, disagree and say what he wants.
I rather like it, I think it’s cute. Even in men I’ve friend zoned.
These days I’m a bit old for friend zoning. I generally just make sure to steer very far clear of hanging out with men I know I’m not interested in.
That might seem old fashioned but men that like me that I don’t like in that way back are trouble. I’m causing them trouble and they are causing me trouble.
I’m wasting their energy and in a way, they are wasting mine. Because male energy is very nice.
It’s very comforting. The way a puppy is comforting. But too much comfort and then I’m not in enough pain to do what needs to be done.
I would like to have real relationship. Getting a real relationship is hard. It requires discomfort.
I have to feel a bit agitated so I go out and try. Which is why I stay away from casual sex and from situations where I have to friend zone a guy. I don’t have male friends anymore.
Lust and like are very different in men.
Men in lust will do anything to get past boundaries. Really absolutely anything. They’ll even pretend to be gay. (Yes that’s happened to me) they do not care how they are perceived by me.
The only perception of mine they are worried about is the one that might know what they are up to.
But a man that just wants sex or comfort does not care. He does not care if I pity him. If I hate him. If I think he’s disgusting.
He’s basically behaves like a drug addict. He just wants the end result.
So maybe it’s the man in lust that’s turning off a part of his brain he’s use to using. Or is it the opposite, is he using a part of his brain he’s not used to using?
Men in lust do not boss me around. They just try to please me. They say whatever they think I most want to hear. They tune out ninety percent of what I’m saying and just try to navigate to the part that might lead them to sex.
When I was young and naive this was a very confusing fact to learn about men. Because initially a man in lust feels like he likes you.
Honestly he might even think he does like a girl. He might even be able to develop into actually liking a girl he was just in lust with at first.
But whatever pattern of thinking a man uses to be in love is definitely not the same pattern he’s using when he’s in lust.
It’s a completely different mode of operation.
I did forget what my point was.
Maybe that I can be an asshole. And that I’m tired of being an asshole.
Jess lanai 