Everyone goes through a period in life where they think they are special.
Especially suited to misfortune or hardships. That they possess some kind of disadvantage that will forever doom them.
I’ve gone through that with my desire for a boyfriend many times.
How to get a boyfriend is definitely a question I don’t know the answer to.
Should I try dating apps?
Do I need to start trying to hit on people in person?
Should I try different activities to meet more people?
And where do I fall on the scale? Supposing I try all this and I do meet men I would like, how likely is it that they will like me back?
What do I have to offer? Really. What’s going to give me points and what’s going to take them away?
There are obvious things like smoking cigarettes will lose me points. Being really messy like I used to be.
I’m trying to give myself the best chance that is possible for me to have. So why not clean up those little things that don’t do anything for me anyway?
I think every man I’ve ever dated or tried to date will agree to one main strength I have.
I think if they were asked this question they’d all have the same answer. That I’m fun and easy to be around. I’m sure that my less desirable qualities were tolerated simply for the fact that I am a lot fun, I am very chill and I am very sweet to people I like.
I’m a pit bull.
There’s a lot of negotiating that goes on when it comes to what type of man I’d want.
I think it’s true of most women and maybe men do this too? I don’t know. A man would have to tell me.
But there is a scale.
If I’m really attracted to a man he can get away with more.
In the sense that even if he falls short on my other ideals if I have high sexual desire for him he’ll stay in the running.
He’ll get more chances whereas the guy I have less sexual desire for will get less chances.
I personally put a high value on high sexual desire purely for this reason. Because it makes my devotion and appreciation stronger.
Some women want the guy’s appreciation and devotion to be stronger. Maybe that’s the better way to do it. I don’t know.
I don’t have the answers.
These are just the negotiations that go on in my mind.
Could I try to be with a man I’m less attracted to initially if everything else was on par?
First of all what are those other things and how essential are they for me to have?
A man that is rich? I personally have a hard time being motivated by money. Even at my actual job that I only have to make money. I have to remind myself I need to care about money.
I’m not into shopping. I do like fancy dinners but not enough to work extra and not enough to marry a rich man and sacrifice attraction.
I don’t need a lot of money to live either I’m pretty efficient at budgeting.
So next. Attraction is not worth sacrificing for money.
A man that’s like my best friend? Could I sacrifice attraction for that?
I have a lot of friends. Friends are wonderful but they are a lot of work too. Because I’m not here to have fun all the time. I have goals and worries and priorities. I don’t really need more friends.
So next. I honestly don’t care how much ‘friendship’ I have with a guy and will not sacrifice attraction for it.
A man that helps me? A man that can help me solve my problems and help give my direction and make decisions?
Now we’re getting somewhere. My body felt relief at that idea. Like it might be willing to sacrifice some attraction for that.
And that’s on both ends.
A man I’m less attracted to might get more chances and a man I’m very attracted to might get less chances if that is present or not present.
What does that look like? Well, to heed a man’s advice would mean I have to like his taste in things, agree with his judgement on things, like his life style. I’d have to trust that he knows what he’s talking about.
I’d have to consider him smart, capable and efficient. I’d have to admire him in a way I might admire a coach or a teacher.
What this kind of negotiating with myself does for me is it helps me not second guess myself.
Like when a man likes me but I don’t feel that into him I can consider these things and it can help me decide if I should give him more of a chance or not.
Or on the opposite side of things, if I’m really into a man it helps me see if I’m not just being taken over by attraction.
It’s what I’m using as a little guide map to help me find my boyfriend.
Jess lanai 