I’ve noticed one of the ways men try to hit on women is with good natured banter.
It’s a lot of teasing, jokes, playful digs and it stays away from complimenting or flattery.
Other men go the opposite route and they give the woman a lot of praise or try to be really helpful to the woman.
Every woman is different on which type of flirting she prefers.
For me unless I like the guy back it really doesn’t matter what he does. He can be nice to me or crack a joke, neither will change my mind.
When I do like the guy back it also wouldn’t super matter because I like him. I will adjust to either one.
But if I got to choose, I’d like the man to drop the jokes and be nice to me. Because not very many people are nice to me. Lots of people banter with me. Lots of people laugh at me.
Lots of people I have to struggle trying to guess if they were just being playful or passive aggressive.
Lots of people try to take the serious edge out of everything and make a joke of it.
Banter is a good way to ease tension, create camaraderie, makes things playful and light.
But if it’s overdone it starts to become deflection. A way to avoid being too vulnerable which can make a man seem insecure.
What the hell is wrong with being insecure anyhow?
I have many insecurities. What I’m doing right now is one of them.
Putting my writing out where people can see it is something I’ve avoided most my life. And with good reason, I was very bad.
As bad as bad can be, anyone that sees my earliest writing might think there’s no hope for my sanity not just my writing.
Where I’ve built some security with writing is the knowledge that I’ve gotten better.
And I know I haven’t hit my peak yet. That I can be much better than I currently am. It gives me a lot of motivation to continue.
Writing has also helped me. As I’ve gotten better at writing I’ve gotten better at organizing myself. I’ve gotten better at communicating. I’ve gotten better at functioning in the world.
That lessens the insecurity. Because even if I’m never a successful writer I’m still getting a lot of benefit from writing, so I don’t really need to be successful.
But writing still does make me insecure because I have no idea who might find this blog and what they will think of it. I don’t really know how I can come off to any one person.
And there’s always that one person whose opinion matters. Old friends I haven’t seen a while. Coworkers. Old crushes I used to have.
At any point I’m giving them all ways to lower their opinion of me. Maybe give them a better opinion of me too, that’s not the point.
The point is I’m creating little ripples that might come back to me and sometimes it can make me feel very insecure.
My greatest insecurity is men.
Because I’d really like to have a man. Not just any man.
A man I genuinely like and want.
That’s a frightening thing. Because it is very possible that I will not be to the standards of a man I would really like and want.
That’s something anyone brave enough to try to date has to face.
I give myself security with it by knowing I’m willing to face it. That I’d rather try and fail than not try.
I give myself some security by being as happy as I can without a man while still desiring a man.
There is a lot to life.
We think we need everything to go our way to tolerate life but we really don’t.
There are so many options.
Insecurity is also a tool.
I was very insecure about how shy I was. So I did theater. I tried something to expand past it.
I was very insecure about doing porn, so I quit. Quitting did open up more ways of living to me.
I was very insecure about being a smoker, so I quit. That gave me so much more productivity which I’ve been insecure about my entire life, because my productivity was so sporadic. I could never make it consistent until I quit smoking.
I was insecure about not having a house, so I bought a house.
Which I actually kind of regret buying the house now. But I feel more secure in my ability to do what I set my mind to. Which does give me more peace when I find a new insecurity.
I still have a lot of insecurities but I no longer feel the need to cover them up or avoid them. Or honestly even change them.
Sometimes having an insecurity is healthy and helpful. It protects me from doing anything too extreme.
It is however very true that a man should be careful how he handles his own insecurity when it comes to women.
If a man needs to banter a lot before he’s willing to be vulnerable, so be it.
The right woman will like it.
Women can be very vicious.
We don’t even do it on purpose. If I don’t like a man I am not nice.
I try to be, but I’m not. A lot of the time I do not have the energy.
If I could give men any advice it would be to work on insecurities in a controlled environment.
With real friends. Real relationships. Therapy or family. Whatever it is.
Because women will be mean even if they don’t mean to be mean.
We have a limited amount of energy and it’s going to go to the people we have bonded with or really like. Everyone else is going to get the psycho bitch we have stored inside.
I am personally very careful now to save my energy for the people I really care about. To be patient, kind and understanding with them. To put effort and consideration into them. Because they are the people I’m willing to invest into.
Those are the people whom I care to help with their insecurities. But when I’m not invested in a person, I’m just as vicious as any other bitch.
Jess lanai 