Jess lanai

I consider what I’m writing right now to be an outline

I’m still guessing on most things. Only trying to find the cohesive thoughts that lead to facts.

Most people don’t know the facts. They only know what they think about the facts and they take that as fact.

Part of the fun of writing and reading is things can be given some context. Reading accesses a very private part of a person’s mind.

There’s no images or sounds or smells, all sensation is generated from the individual mind. Which means every reader is processing everything internally with no external influences.

Writing is the same. When you write you have to translate your thoughts to yourself first and it adds a dimension to thinking.

A dimension that can help a person escape a perception.

I’m still translating what I can remember and how I felt about what I can remember to myself.

Part of the reason I’m doing that is because it’s fun. It gives me some peace, some gratitude. Some insight.

The other part of the reason I’m doing it is because I know it’s helpful.

It’s always helpful when a human being can translate their real thoughts, because most people don’t even get real thoughts from their loved ones.

Worse, most people don’t even get their real thoughts from themselves. We don’t take the time to examine things we just sort of inherit emotions from the reactions of other people.

Which there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s very natural. But life isn’t always fair.

Sometimes you have the solution to a problem that other people don’t. You have an advantage or maybe even a disadvantage.

Sometimes you need to turn auto pilot off, stop letting the crowd dictate what is a threat and what is a reward and start looking for yourself.

And that is the problem with porn psychology.

Porn does odd things to people.

People started to treat me in a way I had never been treated.

I was treated a similar way when my Mektoub came out. It’s in a way that I’m very uncomfortable with and much too delicate for.

About my third month in porn I got invited to a party.

I went with another porn star from my agency (not Spiegler. Before Spiegler)

I hadn’t planned on telling anyone we did porn but the other girl blabbed about it to everyone.

Apparently it was something to brag about because people didn’t have the reaction I expected them to have.

They got very curious.

There’s a skill women have that might intimidate a lot of men.

We can tell when there’s attention on us.

There’s two types of attention.

One is the type of attention someone gives you when they are bonding with you. It’s lighter, it’s less noticeable and it’s comforting.

The other type is the type when somebody wants something from you.

It’s a very unpleasant type of attention. One that as a shy and awkward girl I had very little experience with.

Suddenly all eyes were on me.

One of the girls at the party tried to make out with me.

I did not like that. Not at all.

Because for one I’m not remotely attracted to women. For two, I could tell she wasn’t either.

She was power tripping. She wanted one of the dudes there and she was trying to get his attention by making out with a porn ‘Star’.

The other odd thing that happened was there was this dude there that did reality television or something.

He was hot.

His demeanor towards me changed when he found out I was in porn. Before he’d been like men usually were with me.

I’m cute so they do take notice of me but my awkwardness made men move on very quickly.

But when he found out I did porn he came back. He withstood my awkwardness, even got a little aggressive.

No man had been aggressive with me before.

I did very much like it.

There’s a difference between pushy and aggressive. A pushy man is tentative and slow. And he kind of pleads a bit. He plays on guilt to make a girl feel pressured. Not necessarily consciously. Which many women don’t understand.

We don’t understand that we are in tune with a person’s emotions and their emotions aren’t usually intentional.

But anyway. Aggression. Aggression is confident and control. It says either I already know you want me or I don’t care if you don’t want me.

Obviously the width is about one fifth of a centimeter on that tight rope where if you trip up you’re falling into rape. But in that instance that man made it across.

The third very strange thing that happened at that party was my agent called me.

He told me the other porn girl told him a guy was hitting on me and that I ‘wasn’t allowed’ to have sex outside the industry.

I can’t remember exactly what it was that said to him. Something like, I can do whatever the fuck I want or what the hell do you think you can do about it if I do? Or maybe I actually just dumped him as an agent right then and there.

Sex was the reason I’d gotten into porn and some dumbass thought he was control who I had with?

Absolutely not.

Now we can get into the dastardly business of porn agents.

Porn agents, for the most part, are evil.

The famous Mark Spiegler was not evil. He just did his job, end of story. He’s a good guy and a funny guy.

But it’s possible he was one of, or even, the only porn agent that wasn’t evil.

But it doesn’t actually much matter if porn agents are evil.

Because they have no power.

That’s the truth.

But porn girls always act like they did have all the power.

The true coercion in porn was between porn agents and porn stars. Porn agents actively threatened girls.

No grey area or implied threats. Real threats. Do this or I’ll ruin your career type threats.

But this is the truly odd thing about coercion. It usually an invisible fence. There’s nothing actually there.

The agents can cancel one shoot maybe or spread one rumor. But all you have to do is keep walking because there’s nothing else they can do.

Still they got away with it. Girls believed in the invisible fence.

Why?

I don’t know. Were the girls so desperate for money that they couldn’t bear the idea of losing one shoot? Did they truly believe they’d lose their entire career? And that even if they did there was nothing else out there for them?

Was it just not worth the effort and easier to comply with psycho agents?

I don’t really know.

I’ve actually asked a lot of them these questions.

I didn’t get any answers that I could make sense of.

After I had sex with that guy at that party and told my agent to eat a dick. (I think that’s probably what I said) I did stop having sex with men outside the industry.

Why?

Because it was too vulnerable.

Sleeping with that guy at that party broke up the patterns.

Being around porn people very quickly put me into a sort of false reality.

I was around people doing porn and I was doing porn and they were accepting me doing porn like it was regular and like I was accomplishing something.

Encountering regular people makes you realize porn isn’t regular. Because they have a reaction to it. Sometimes a bad reaction sometimes a good one, but there’s always a reaction.

I think this sort of thing can happen in any career though. It can happen in college. It can happen when too much time is spent in friend groups.

You get trapped in a bubble of sorts and stop being exposed to the rest of the world.

Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. It can just put you out of touch with yourself.

Like, did I actually want to do porn? Not really.

What I really wanted more than anything else was just a boyfriend.

When I had sex with that guy at the party it broke that open. I remembered I wanted a boyfriend and then I cried my eyes out thinking getting a boyfriend just doesn’t work for me.

I can’t get a boyfriend.

But porn is working for me. It’s something versus nothing.

And that’s how you get trapped in porn psychology.