As a teenager I was obsessed with the Korean martial art Tae Kwon Do.
Partially because my first coach was so cute that Demi Moore dated him. (Actually. Before Aston kutcher Demi Moore dated my coach. I met her several times. She was nice to me but I was like 13 so of course she was.)
But I also developed my own unique obsession with Tae Kwon Do that was independent of my pursuit of boys.
It’s hard to remember exactly what it was that was driving my obsession for Martial arts.
When we moved out of my home town into a bigger city what I was most panicked about was finding a good Tae Kwon do studio.
I was in actual agony over it. Running from studio to studio scrutinizing all the coaches.
I had good taste. The place I chose ended up producing Olympic level athletes.
But the funny thing was I didn’t much care for competing. I didn’t even super care about being good.
What I liked so much about Tae Kwon do I think is the same things that makes most kids take an interest in anything.
I had figured something out. And I’d done it all on my own.
Not from someone nagging me or telling me how I should do things.
I’d figured it out myself.
I used to watch people’s feet.
Any time one of the older kids or one of the assistant coaches was demonstrating for us, I’d watch their feet.
And then any time I was struggling I just pictured their feet and tried to make my feet move exactly like their feet had.
I didn’t look at the rest of the body. Just the feet.
For a really good round house kick I noticed my supporting foot should go from straight forward all the way to sideways and that I should be on the ball of my foot.
So that’s all I worried about.
It worked.
My round house went from my leg making a sad little impression in the bag to knocking that bag off its axis.
I didn’t realize it then but what I had developed was a very good psychology.
Did it make me a genius athlete?
No.
I was average.
Even with the level of my obsession and how much effort I put in I was still very average, so talent might actually be a thing.
But that wasn’t the point for me. I never cared to be a competitive athlete. I cared that I was doing what I wanted to do and getting results from my own methods.
Even if I didn’t realize it then I’m sure that was a large portion of the reason for my TKD obsession.
It gave me confidence in myself. In my own mind, my own reasoning and my own body.
It gave me a way to develop my own way out of a looping problem.
It was a good psychology.
What’s a bad psychology?
A dark and dangerous psychology is one that keeps you running in the same loop. One that has no exit.
A bad psychology is also one that you never developed yourself. It was given to you.
I was almost 19 when I moved to La and my first year there was mostly miserable.
I guess not miserable. I was far too dazed to be miserable. But North Hollywood did suck.
My dad came to visit me and while he was walking my dogs he was hit by a car.
My dad was the type of person that would’ve gotten right up after he rolled over the top of the car, brushed himself off and said no worries, I’m fine and just walked off.
But the driver didn’t give him that chance he’d already sped off.
One night, really late while I was half asleep someone tried to break into my apartment. Luckily my pitbull took care of them.
Nearly every day the old dude in the apartment next to me tried to sell me drugs.
I worked at Subway where like, actually every day my Armenian coworkers rambled at me about how terrible America is and how great Armenia is. (I will admit from the way they described Armenia, I do want to visit.)
But that first year in La was also fun because I was in that state of mind where I believed that at any moment and anywhere I went or anything I did, something exciting could happen.
This way of thinking was another component of porn psychology.
To make extra money in La I also tried modeling.
I never got anything big. I did a hair thing where they took before and after pictures for their portfolio.
I did some stock stuff.
Probably made maybe, a thousand bucks total.
Then I found this ad from a college student for her film project.
I’m pretty sure the pay was like, free lunches or something lame like that. No idea why I went.
But I did. And the fact that I did changed my entire sad little La life.
I became friends with the girl.
She got me a job at the Hollywood bowl.
Now that was a fantastic job. Summer at the Hollywood bowl.
I saw the Philharmonic. I saw Stevie Nicks. (Lady Gaga but I can’t stand her so who cares) I saw the Oates part of Hall and Oates.
I met Charlie Day. (He was newly famous and really not used to it.)
I made a ton of friends. I actually did stuff with them. I had just turned twenty and was still too young to drink and so were all my friends so we did wholesome shit. We went hiking and played board games. It was so fun.
The Hollywood bowl promoted me and moved me over to the Walt Disney Concert Hall that was so fancy I served Adam Sandler. (He was actually ridiculously nice.)
I got a place with two of my coworkers. A three bedroom house with a yard and garage out in fancy Northridge.
No more North Hollywood.
Suddenly my La life was a real functioning life.
But I still had one big hole.
I’m guessing that the drive for sex must be very different for women than it is for men.
I imagine that for men the drive for the sex itself is about ten times more intense than it is for women.
But I still don’t think most men have a full grasp of how strong the drive is for women. It’s just not quite directed at the same thing.
The first time I had sex was painful. I felt no connection to the guy other than thinking he was good looking and just wanting to get my first time over with.
The next time I had sex I hadn’t even chosen to have sex. I just went along with it. Why did I go along with it? I’d need to go into the hypnotic trance to remember that.
But I think it was a mixture of feeling pressured, guilty and therefore obligated. And it just felt easier to let it happen than to cause a scene.
You have to be very careful with young girls. That is the reason a lot of them have sex. Because it feels easier than not having sex.
When you’re young and under confident avoiding the danger of upsetting men is just a smart survival strategy.
And it’s a large part of what shapes porn psychology.
And the psychology of many of the girls that joined the me too movement.
(But more on that later. It’s a delicate subject matter I’m still not sure how to properly approach.)
The third time I had sex, it was with a man that I really liked.
That opened the flood gates.
After that the need for sex became almost overwhelming.
Sex is not what women pursue. Sex with man they have high attraction for is the drug for women.
It’s the man not the sex.
And women cannot be attracted to a man they don’t respect, admire and want to bond with.
They might want to have a casual situation, but the attraction will still always come from a place of respect and admiration.
We cannot be attracted to men without liking them.
But for me, I had developed the belief that I would not get to have a boyfriend. So the need I had for bonding with a man got fractured.
All my energy got directed towards sex. If I can’t have love I can still have sex.
When you tell yourself you can’t have something that your body feels it needs, the psychology will get very twisted.
Jess lanai 