Jess lanai

I have some evidence. I just found out I was nominated for the French Lumiere awards for best new comer.

I started writing this before I found out I was nominated because the response to my role in Mektoub is always ‘you have so much talent!’ ‘You should be an actor.’

It’s been eight years since I did that film and because of that I’ve been gifted a special kind of insight from having had that many years space.

I know what my ‘talent’ is. I can define most of it and even tell another person how to have talent too.

When I was a kid I had this stray dog we adopted that liked to chase my horses.

It chased them every single day and it got kicked in the face every single day. One day it came running inside with its eyeball hanging out its socket.

The vets managed to get the eye back in its skull but the dog went blind in that eye.

Even half blind it still chased the horses.

That’s the kind of personality I had when I started filming Mektoub. If I got obsessed with something you could kick me in the face a hundred times and I’d never learn my lesson.

What was I chasing when I did Mektoub? At first I was chasing ‘these people want to pay me to be in Europe!’

I was sure I’d get fired. My goal was to not get fired for as long as possible.

So anything Abdellatif asked me to do I did ten fold.

He asked me to read a book, I read the shit out of that book and the other books about the book.

He asked me to lose weight, I’d be noticeably skinnier the next day.

I was one hundred percent sure I would get fired. So I was trying to give Abdellatif as little reason as possible to fire me.

I only wanted to extend my time in Europe.

And this is a point to be aware if you want to be good at anything.

I notice a lot of actors have their heads in the clouds. I get it. I do the same thing with writing because I want to be a writer.

I fit things into my own story of what might work to get me where I want to go.

But this creates a huge blind spot that I did not have in Mektoub.

I didn’t care about acting, I cared about Europe. So I was not trying to be good at acting, I was trying to not get fired.

Which meant I was reading someone else’s story with Mektoub. I was reading Abdellatif’s story and I was playing my part in it. Instead of trying to make Abdellatif play his part in my story.

Europe was nothing though to what came.

I got bored of Europe.

I got insanely lonely and depressed.

The only person I’d felt comfortable around had been the original Tony.

A young fellow named Sylvain. He left the film and names started to go around on who would play Tony.

I decided to quit. Because I’d been comfortable with Sylvain. I refused to accept a new Tony. Some new stranger I’d have to kiss on film when I hadn’t even had sex for myself in years.

It was too much. I couldn’t handle it and resolved to tell Abdellatif I quit.

Enter Salim Kechiouche.

I’ve had a lot of obsessions. Tae Kwon do was one of them. I once destroyed my car because I refused to miss even one day of Tae Kwon do and took my damaged car behind my parents back.

It died on the freeway.

Animals were another. When I was a kid there was not a rule I wouldn’t break to pet an animal.

But no obsession can compare to my obsession for boys and what I would do for boys.

When Salim Kechiouche showed up it was game over for everyone. No one stood a chance. I wanted to stay in Europe with Salim and nothing was going to stop me.

I went from try not get fired to I will walk through hell before I get fired.

I feel like I’ve gotten off topic a bit. This is meant to be about am I actually a good actor? And if so what other people can use from me if they want to be good at acting.

There are some reasons I was good at acting.

Reason number one: idiots win.

You can ridicule me. Reject me. Embarrass me. Totally ruin me but if I’ve fixated on something I won’t even notice. I will keep getting back up like a dumb half blind dog chasing the thing that’s killing it.

In most situations this is not good.

But in sports and in acting apparently it is an advantage.

Number two: I was more aware of how other people felt than how I felt.

All my focus was on Salim, or Andre, or Shain or Abdellatif or Dany so everything was a reaction.

I wasn’t ever acting, I was always reacting.

Nothing was ever about how I came off, it was always entirely about the other person.

How to please them or how to make them angry or how to make them move faster or how to help them. I had no awareness of myself with the camera but hyper awareness of myself in relation to the other person.

Number three: my emotions have consequences.

Human beings are extraordinarily aware of manipulation.

We feel it in our bodies as repulsion and often irritation with a manipulative person.

Large displays of emotion for attention will very quickly trigger disgust in a person.

But the attempt to control emotion will trigger empathy.

Part of the reason so many people were so moved by my role in Mektoub is that I was working very hard to control my emotions I was not trying to display them.

Because remember, my goal was to not get fired. So I just wanted to do good enough. But Abdellatif is smart.

He pushes people. He put me on edge and then would shove me off that edge. So in that film 90% of the time I was struggling to control myself.

Trying to control emotion activates empathy in other people because the emotions are real and there is an attempt to modify them for others. It’s altruistic.

And altruism can be like a virus. People will magically transform into a colony of ants trying to help each other and work together from even small altruistic triggers.

The attempt to control emotions is very powerful on people because it is what we do when are bonding.

And by that age I had learned a bit of humility. My emotions had gotten me in a lot of trouble. I’d lost friendships over them.

So I was ashamed of how emotional I could get. Which just happened to be the perfect ingredient for the Abdellatif film.

It was a perfect storm.

Number four: I am both manic and depressive

This is perhaps an unfair advantage in the acting world but it was quite a disadvantage in real life.

I am prone to alarming mood swings.

By the filming of Mektoub I’d become aware of my mood swings so if I got really down I’d learned to not take it too seriously. I let my bad moods run their course without it meaning anything.

(My good moods were more dangerous because I didn’t yet know I shouldn’t take those seriously either)

The hospital scene is an example where a depressive mood hit me. I was trying to find the depressive mood for the scene but once I found it I did get lost in it. I wasn’t acting. I’d lost control of myself and somehow I at least managed to stay in the script and get the right lines out.

Number four: complete dependency

I am hopelessly dependent on the people around me. I got lucky with Mektoub.

Abdellatif Kechiche is an amazing director. Everyone already knows that. But I got lucky and happened to get along with him. I agreed with him. I have the same sense of humor as him.

There was a real friendship there.

Not to mention Salim Kechiouche. Not only was I totally in love with Salim, I got along with him as a friend. Even after the movie he stayed one of my best friends in life. Not only that, he was an experienced actor that helped me. He coached me when I needed it.

Andre too, I could copy them and trust them. I could listen to them.

Not to mention the film crew as well.

We had unity. We had camaraderie. We were a colony of ants that wanted to help the entire project succeed.

That is a very powerful drug. Working that hard on something with that much unity and selflessness and total dedication. Not just to each other, but the higher purpose of the film.

It was a remarkably good time. Incredibly satisfying and fulfilling to be apart of a team like that.

It is a rare thing. That kind of team work on a shared goal is one of the things in life to live and to die for.

Will I ever act again? That question is as elusive as who will I fall in love with. I don’t know.

Maybe lightning will strike twice. Or I’ll witness two blue moons and I’ll find something as great as Mektoub.

Maybe I’ll take a chance, try another role and totally fail.

Or maybe I’ll leave well enough alone and enjoy the perks I get out of having done Mektoub until it fades out.

We’ll see.