“When I was a kid, I wanted to either make goat cheese or be a director. I should’ve made goat cheese.” Abdellatif Kechiche.
If you don’t know who Abdellatif Kechiche is now you know he is a failed goat farmer. But a successful director.
If you’ve never been to France now you know that they love goat cheese. Or really any and all kinds of cheese. They have more kinds of cheese than days in the year. So you are meant to have more than one kind of cheese a day.
I like cheese.
If you don’t know who I am, my fan base is a mixture of two groups. One group is a bunch of French people who saw me in one film very recently directed by Abdellatif Kechiche called Mektoub my love, canto due.
And the other portion is a bunch of people from all over the world that used to watch me a decade ago in porn films.
But this particle blog is not about me. Nor is it about Abdellatif Kechiche. Or even about goat cheese. Or France.
It’s about Paris. And the year 2025
My first day back in Paris after four years I took two very large risks to my ego.
I guess ego is the wrong word. I wasn’t worried about my ego. I was worried about reality not being what I wanted it to be and having to actually find that out.
I sent a very heartfelt apology to one of my closest friends. Used to be closest friends. She no longer speaks to me.
I’d been writing the apology text to her for about four months and in Paris I sent it.
The other big risk I took was playing with some fire that had already burned me.
Now I have two philosophies when it comes to this particular subject. Which philosophy I use depends on the mood or the situation.
Philosophy number one is to be like water.
Be patient. Go with the current. Let things come and let things go.
The other philosophy is to just pour gasoline on the flame then sit back and watch it rage until it burns out.
I chose the second one this time and texted the adorable man that had already rejected me twice.
The reason I was in Paris was to promote Mektoub my love canto due. Now while I love Mektoub, love my part in Mektoub, love the people that loved Mektoub, Mektoub was still not much in focus for me.
My focus was being in Paris. Seeing all the wonderful people I haven’t seen in years. Seeing the city that I have so many memories in and am so accustomed to it’s like a second home.
And I’ve never been to Paris during the winter seasons. Gotten to see it right as they started decorating for Christmas.
One of my good friends after she saw Mektoub she said the way I talked about Mektoub made her think I had a really small part in it. She thought I was being very humble.
I was not being humble, Mektoub was just in the background for me.
At the forefront was my childhood friend of over twenty years that never responded to my text and made me accept that the friendship is really over.
And the really cute guy I liked talking to me while I was leisurely wondering around Paris on thanksgiving.
And the friends I have in Paris that every time I see them I have so much fun that I get swept away and I can’t believe life can be this fantastic.
I went to the premiere of Mektoub on my last night in Paris. Things always unravel on the last night.
It became apparent the man still didn’t like me and things were about to burn.
I went to dinner with people that admired Mektoub and I appreciated that but, they are all business. I am not business. Business makes me feel painfully lonely and vulnerable.
And if I’m being honest, this might be controversial, but being in any kind of spotlight makes me need a man.
Men offer a feeling of protection that is necessary for me when I have to feel that watched and exposed.
Jess lanai 